(1.15) Aug15-? 
        UPDATED IRREGULARLY! (usually)
McSpiracy Theory
Chicken McNuggets. These fried bread covered "nuggets" of chicken (at least half of the time) are sweeping the nation with their new campaign. Sweeping? More like being shoved down the throats of the masses. But, for what purpose? Why charge so little for so many of these seemingly harmless food items? This fact and more has led some of our top investigators to do an intensive research into the world of this two faced chunk. The results may startle you.

One of the first things are researchers have discovered is that not all nuggets are chicken at all! In fact, usually half of the nuggets that come in a 6 pack of are pork! That's right, you read correctly: PORK! After buying a 6 piece (in no way do we suggest YOU go out and buy some nuggets; you'll see why later), and looking closely at the "meat" inside each one, they quickly discover that in about half of the nuggets the meat is white and has a stronger consistency (chicken), while the other half are made up of a slightly darker more tender meat (pork). More disturbing still is the discovery that the meats are somehow genetically linked. Dubbed "chork" by our team, this meat did, in fact, come from one animal. A product of some gene splicing experiment no doubt.

Don't see the problem? Then prepare yourself for this next part. You may be appalled.


Our top scientist, Dr. Luther Terminus, has been given the job of studying the nuggets for all they are worth, which, you'll find out, is more than you think. Dr. Terminus found, inside the nuggets, strange microscopic implants that could only be used for one thing. Mind Control! The good doctor has examined the chip closely and determined that the small bug enters your circulatory system and stays there, transmitting signals to your brain. Our technical engineers have determined that the transmission from the chip effects the part of the brain that causes you to be hungry, while at the same time sending the message to eat at McDonalds. There is also a third message describing how good McDonald's fries are again and again into the brain of the victim.

You may ask, how can they afford to put an obviously expensive transmitter into every chicken McNugget? Our top mathematical engineers and electricians went to work on this problem and they came up with this simple equation that explains it all.




You are probably now concerned about what you can do to prevent yourself from being brainwashed and what to do if you've already eaten many nuggets. Well, first off we recommend that you stay as far away from nuggets as possible. In fact, it would probably be best if you stayed away from any and all meat. For the time, it is very clear that meat cannot be trusted. Secondly, we have discovered that the small implanted bugs run off of caffeine. A lack of caffiene in your system for three or more days and any bugs you have will die off.

Thanks for reading TIGHT and come back around next week or so to see what's new- check out our other issues and see what you've missed in the past weeks. Remember that we're here to help!

tight00@aol.com


Thanks goes out to David Letterman because he just rocks. 

				KB- wha...?

GO TO MAIN