The Adventures of Tracey, Warrior Tart
by The Lurkers

Part 2
******************

The monster of the week, or Lucy as he called himself, sat besides the
bucolic peasant village that he had just come upon.  He was a rather cute
monster in a so-terrifying-you-want-to-piss-yourself way.  Kind of looked
like a dragon that had gone for black Armani scales and a nifty necklace
of swords hung around his neck.  The other monsters coveted his necklace
but he never let any of them borrow it because he was a monster and he
was pissy.  Presently Lucy was sitting beside the peasant village wishing
he had a clogged nose as peasant smell really badly.  But he had
to be there because he was having a slight problem with constipation
and desperately needed some roughage.  The thatching on the villagers
shacks was just the thing he needed.  He was plesantly noshing when
a horrific sound came from the direction of the road leading away
from the villagers.


"Imagoodcop, Imagoodcop,"  echoed through the now deserted village.

Lucy thought the sound was familiar some how.  He cocked his
head and turned the noise over in his mind a few times,
"Imagoodcop, Imagoodcop".  Where had he heard something about
that noise?  His intense reverie was broken when a sharp pain shot
up his right leg.  He yelped and jumped straight up into
the sky then came crashing back down on the house he'd been
pleasantly eating a moment before.  Looking around for the
source of his pain.  There was a blonde human female
standing next to a horse pointing a long sword at him.

"I am Tracey, Warrior Princess,"  the woman declared, swinging
her sword about for effect and to give her boobs a chance to dance
around in the tight little leather outfit she wore. "Prepare
to die, monster!"

Lucy stared at the annoyance before standing up straight to his
full dragonish height.  He chose his next words carefully for,
as his mother had always told him, the first words you utter
to an enemy set the tone for the whole confrontation.  "Tracey,
Warrior Princess?  Tracey,  Warrior Tart is more like it!
Here, does your mother know you go around poking strange
dragons dressed up in a leather teddy?"

"You have destroyed your last village, demon spawn!"

"Oh, demon spawn is it?  Look, you tarty young woman, I'm in
the middle of breakfast here.  Go run along and spin
your tassles elsewhere,"  Lucy declared, rubbing the
sore spot on his leg.

"Imagoodcop, Imagoodcop,"  Tracey yelled as she charged
the dragon at full speed, her mighty sword snicking through
the air.

Lucy sighed and sidestepped the charging woman.  Unfortunately,
Tracey managed to pivot and bring the sword back around and
make a rather nasty nick in his tail.  "Ooooohhh,"  Lucy
bellowed as he reared back on his hind legs, fire shot out
of his nose and he began trying to get away from this crazy
leather-clad tart.

"Imagoodcop, Imagoodcop"  the freelance warrior princess cried again
sensing that victory could soon be hers.  Raising the sword she
did a series of useless, momentum losing backspins and ran towards
the dragon.

"Stop right there,"  a deep human voice rang out.  Tracey pivoted slightly
to see what the interruption.  This allowed Lucy to leap over several
small shacks, the ground shaking mightily as he landed.  The voice
belonged to Reese, the village elder and holder of the mighty blue
duck feather hat.  "What's going on here?"  He demanded.

"Oh, thankful peasant, I'm about to rid your village of this fearsome
dragon that has come to destroy your village and eat your virgins
and children."

"Oh, like you'd know what a virgin looked like,"  Lucy mumbled under
his breath as he tried to get a look at the nick on his tail.

"And who authorized you to do that?"  Reese asked, crossing his
arms across his chest.

Baffled, Tracey replied, "Uh, nobody, I just took it on my own
initiative."

"Did you bother to tell anybody your plans?  Let them know that
you decided to go out and kill a dragon on your own? Hmmm?"

"Uh, no, not really,"  Tracey mumbled.  "There wasn't time.  I
saw this dragon eating your village and instantly sprang into
action."

"Without engaging your brain, evidently.  I am Reese, captain
of this village and holder of the mighty blue duck feather hat.
That is Lucy,"  the captain pointed towards the dragon.  "We
hired him as a consultant to eat all the old thatching on the
village roofs.  It needs to be changed and it only takes
him a morning to clear the whole mess out while it would take
us several days."

"Oh, uh, a dragon consultant?"  Tracey was defaintely puzzled
by this turn of events and wondered if she should still kill the
dragon, just for a show of force.  "Then why was one of your
villagers running down the road looking to be saved?"

"Because they're out of toilet paper,"  Nicholas Knight, still
clomping along on Rambo, had finally joined the scene.  "After
questioning the villager I determined that he was afraid of
getting over run in a pile of dragon doo."

"Excuse me for having a regularity problem," Lucy huffed, steam
coming out of his nose.

"Maybe if you didn't go charging about without learning all
the facts we wouldn't keep having these problems,"  Nicholas
scolded.

"I am Tracey, Warrior Princess, I know what I'm doing,"  the
tart huffed wondering if it was time for a new assistant.

"Right,"  Reese interjected.  "Look, thanks for your help, we've
got things more than under control here why don't you.."

"Why do you wear that burlap sack over your head?"  Lucy interrupted,
lowering his head down to look at Nicholas.

"I've a skin condition that causes me to break out in boils when
I'm exposed to the sun.  It is an evil curse upon my life."

"Have you ever considered getting a job that doesn't require
you to be out in the sun all day?"  Lucy asked felling pity
for the human.

"This assistant to warrior princess gig was all I could land,"  Nicholas
sighed.  "I trained as knight but with the skin condition and all
I couldn't get anything.  They all want you to look like Prince
Charming."

"How unfair,"  Lucy sympathized.  "I too know what is like to be misjudged
because of my appearance."

"Prejudice is a terrible thing,"  Reese agreed.  "You know, we've
got an opening as night constable available here."

"Really?  I woudn't think you'd have much of a crime problem,"  asked
Nicholas, his heart filling with hope.

"Actually our biggest problem is with leather clad bimbos and
jocks smacking the local population around on various quests,"
Reese explained.

"Hey, now wait a minute,"  Tracey interrupted sensing that she
was about to lose her long time servant.  Nicholas had been
the only one who had been able to properly launder her
delicates.

"Lucy,"  Nicholas asked,  "may I speak to you privately?"

The mighty dragon bent down towards the burro mounted knight.
They had a whispered discussion for a moment which ended with
Lucy saying, "Well, normally I'm a vegetarian but for you,
okay."

So Lucy ate Tracey, Warrior Tart (and got horrible indigestion
from her for which Nicholas felt very badly).  Nicholas stayed
with Reese in the village and eventually started dating Natalie
the local wise woman and they all lived happily ever after.

On a side note, Tracey's father named a whole line of coffee
after his daughter named "The Perkulator Blend".  Buttercup
got knocked up by a local stallion and Lucy decided to start
a field defoliation business.

THE END

*****************************

"So what do you think?"  Kennedy asked Noah Merriweather as he
finished reading the story.

"I think you two,"  he fixed Chandler and Kennedy with his
gaze.  "Are truly sick and demented."

"Why, thank you Noah, you're such a sweet boy,"  Chandler
gushed as she rubbed the top of his head.

"We'd better get out to that warehouse,"  Kennedy said as
she finished her Diet Coke.  "It's going to take us all
night to sift through that place."

"Yeah,"  Chandler and Noah got up from their desks to go
out on their latest case.  Noah hastily tossed the Tracey,
Warrior Tart issue of the newsletter at his desk but it
slipped to the floor.

********************************

"So ends another shift,"  Nick commented to Natalie who had
met him at the precinct.  They were going to spend the morning
together putting together a best bits compilation of all
their favorite movies.

"Yeah, been a quite night,"  Natalie replied as she stretched.
It had been a relatively peaceful night and she was glad of
it.

Nick was pulling on his coat when he noticed a piece of paper
on the floor.  Bending down to pick it up he noticed the title,
"Tracey, Warrior Tart".

"What's that, Nick?"  Natalie asked.

"I'm not sure.  He leaned against the desk and started to scan
the pages.  Natalie started reading over his shoulder.  They
were both starting to giggle when a familiar voice interrupted
them.

"Hey guys, what's up?"  Tracey Vetter asked.

"Nothing,"  Natalie said, grabbing the papers out of Nick's hands
and stuffing them in her coat pocket.  "We're off for the night."

"Oh, good night,"  Tracey responded.

"Good night, Tracey,"  Nick called out as Natalie dragged him
towards the door.

Tracey could have sworn she heard the words "warrior tart"  as the
pair left the precinct but it made no sense so she forgot about it.







********************************************************************************