The Love Boat of Doom
by The Lurkers

****************************************************
Day 3:
****************************************************

"Good morning, Isaac,"  Vicki called out to the approaching figure.
She'd gotten up extra early this morning in order to do some more
investigating of what had killed Sparky and that other dog.

"Morning, Vicki.  Are you sure you want to do this?  I mean, its kind
of a lot for you to handle so soon after Sparky,"  Isaac asked,
concerned for his young friend.  That was the wonderful thing about the
Love Boat crew, they all cared about each other.

"I'm sure.  It'll make me feel better if we find out what's doing this
before any other dogs die.  Do you have anybody else looking?"

"Yeah, I managed to get those two nasty cleaning women out of bed to
look around.  Couldn't believe they actually agreed to help.  They
don't much like to work,"  Isaac explained as they started to walk
around the ship.  They searched everywhere but especially in small
cul-de-sacs and out of the way stairwells.  It was near the end of
their search when Isaac heard Vicki gasp.  Rushing over to her, he
slipped his arm around her shoulders as they stared at the mass on the
deck.  It was, or had been, a chihuahua.  It's throat was torn out.

"Oh, there you two are,"  Rastro called out.  She and Maddog had been
searching the ship from the opposite side.   The Lurker took a look at
the former mammal on the deck and nodded to Maddog.  The dog's throat
was absolutely torn to bits but there was not one drop of blood on the
deck.

"Well, whatever it is, it's getting neater,"  Maddog decided, glad that
there wouldn't have to be too big of a cleanup.

"Oh, poor Mrs. VandeValk," Vicki moaned, "She loved her little
Sweetpea!"

"There were six dogs on this ship when we left port,"  Rastro whispered
to her fellow Lurker.

"Yeah and three of them are dead,"  Maddog whispered back, "That we
know of, anyway."

"So now we just have to watch the others really closely,"  Rastro
replied.

"Ooh, goodie, we're gonna be doggie detectives!"  Maddog squealed, then
tried to compose her features into a frown when Isaac and Vicki stared
at her.

"Put him in a bag,"  Isaac ordered, "I'll see what Mrs. VandeValk wants
done with him."

"Okay, boss,"  the two women saluted.

*****

Janette strode purposefully down the deck, not even glancing at the men
passing her who were young, cute and dressed in very, very tight
polyester shorts.  She was a woman with a mission and a mysterious
smile.  The woman who ran the Love Boat's beauty salon was just opening
the door as she approached.  "Good morning,"  Janettte called out to
her, her smile growing even larger as the scent of shampoo, perm
solution and color rinse wafted out of the salon.  "I was wondering if
you could fit me in?"

"Of course," Brigette answered eyeing the beautiful, dark hair on her
customer's head.  It was nice to see a woman who had an original
hairstyle instead of all those Farah Fawcett clones that were still
running around.  How in the name of all that was Holy could a style
like that stay fashionable for twenty years?  Something was definitely
wrong with the universe.  "What would you like done?"

"Oh, the works,"  Janette declared as she took a seat in the chair by
the sink.  "I need a manicure, a pedicure, my eyebrows need touching
up, mustache wax, deep conditioning,"  she listed on one hand and then
went on to the other, "Which reminds me, I'll need to buy a new dress,
new hose, shoes, new slip and a new perfume."

"Sounds like you're changing yourself into a whole new person!  That's
going to take the entire day!"  Brigette announced, envisioning a very
large tip.

"Exactly!"

"Man trouble?"

"What else could it be?"

"So, what kind of haircut would you like?"

"I want to go with something new and stylish!"  Janette pronounced,
eyeing her reflection in one of the mirrors.  "Can you do a Farrah
Fawcett cut?"

****

Nick woke up as the door to the cabin was being opened.  He'd been
asleep when Natalie had returned last night and was hoping to talk to
her this morning.  He looked blearily at her, she was fully dressed and
apparently about to leave.  "Where are you going?"

"I've got a ton of things to do today,"  Nat declared.  "I've got to
get my hair done, buy a new dress, aerobicize.  I'll meet you at the
dance tonight."

"Uh,"  Nick mumbled, secretly relieved. He had wondered how he was
going to ditch Nat and meet Lucien to practice dancing.  "Okay, what
time is it?"

"Nearly ten, see you later,"  Nat closed the door behind her and headed
off.

Shutting his eyes, Nick buried his head back into the pillow for about
thirty seconds before the words "ten o'clock" penetrated.  He was
supposed to join Lucien for brunch at ten.  Falling out of bed he
hurried into the shower and quickly changed into a pair of flowered
Bermuda shorts and a blue and white baseball shirt.  Then he made his
way to the brunch.

"Good morning, Lucien,"  Nick sat down next to his new found dance
instructor.  "Sorry I'm late."

"Oh, that's all right, just got here myself,"  Lucien yawned.  He'd
been up all night trying to keep his parents quiet.  They'd been very
talkative, like they always got when the moon was full.  Of course they
wouldn't talk about anything important like the missing dogs.  Oh, no,
they just went on for hours about his hair cut and lack of dates.
"Shall we get some food?"

The two men set about getting several heaping plate fulls of pancakes,
eggs, biscuits, fruit, sausage and bacon and big cups of coffee.  After
devouring for ten minutes non-stop, they refilled their plates and cups
and began to eat at a more leisurely pace.  Nick asked, "So, do you
think I'll be able to dance by tonight?"

"I should think so, we've got all day to practice,"  LaCroix responded,
buttering another biscuit.

"Are you sure you want to do this?  I mean, it's the last day of the
cruise.  Wouldn't you rather go have fun?"

"Actually, I'm using you as an excuse to hide from... some people I
came with.  Besides, I'm sick of shuffleboard.  I have to impress Julie
tonight and this way I'll be warmed up and in prime discoing mode."

"I can't thank you enough,"  Nick said gratefully.  "You know, I'm
still a little confused on The Penguin.  What are the first steps
again?"

Lucien picked up two long strips of  bacon and wrapped them around each
other so that they appeared to be two legs.  Grease slid down his
fingers as he began to move the strips in time to a tune he was
humming.  "Left kick, right back, and...."

*****

A golden ray of sunlight reached its way in through the port hole and
towards the bed.  It very gradually moved forward until it hit the
bed's occupant in the eye.  "Oh, no,"  groaned Tracy.   It had been a
late night.  She and Merril had talked for hours and she had found
herself too wound up to go to sleep.  Her dreams had been peppered with
visions of blonde men in pools.  It had been a long night.  Rolling
over she glanced at the clock, 11 a.m.

With a long, drawn out sigh, she crawled out of bed and in to the
shower.  It took ten minutes of hot water before she was able to think
coherently and then she began soaping herself up.  Then she felt
something on her thigh.  Shutting off the water, she took a look at the
place.  It was lumpy.  Frowning, she stepped out of the shower and into
a more brightly lit area of the bathroom.  Horror filled her as she
took a closer look.  It wasn't just lumpy, it was cellulite!

Fighting back nausea, Tracey quickly got dressed and made her way to
the Leto deck.  An aerobics instructor was just setting up and she
quickly ran over to the woman.  "How many classes are there today?"

"Oh, I teach one three times and there's another instructor who does
one in between.  So there will be six the rest of the day.  What time
do you want to take one?"

"I'm taking all of them!"  Tracey declared near hysterically as she
began to warm up.  Six hours, she thought, six hours of aerobics will
certainly get rid of that cellulite before tonight.

*****

Javier Vachon rolled slowly out of bed.  He was weary from the top of
his platinum blonde hair to the end of the blonde curly hair on his big
toes.  He had so much wanted to be with Tracey.  He loved that woman
more than life itself.  Worshipping her from afar all those months,
learning that she couldn't stand blonde men, he'd done everything he
could think of to make himself the perfect man for her.  One dunk in
the pool and all his plans were dust.  Life must go on, he tried to
convince himself as he bathed and got dressed.  There had to be another
woman out there just as wonderful as his little Traceykins!

Ready at last, Vachon cautiously opened his cabin door and stuck his
naturally blonde head out.  He may have spent the previous evening
hidden from Tracy in his cabin, but he was damned if he'd spend the 
last day of the cruise there too.  After all, he'd paid for the trip!

Even so, he didn't want to encounter her.  Her screaming fit when she'd
discovered his blondness had left him temporarily deaf in one ear and
if Isaac han't been there to restrain her Vachon would probably be
missing some very important body parts.  Parts he was quite attached
to.  Which reminded him how nice it was to no longer have to ensure 
that *all* his hair was dyed brunette.  Hopefully that annoying rash 
in his nether regions would disappear now.  It was a little hard to 
explain away.

The corridor was clear.  Vachon took him towel and sunscreen and headed
for the Aloha deck.  The pool there was small and quiet and generally
frequented only by the older ladies with their lap dogs.  He was
unlikely to run into any younger, single women there.  Which was fine
with him as he was thinking of swearing off woman altogether.

To his surprise, there was one other person in the pool.  She was a few
years older than him, but looked to be in excellent shape.  He decided
to ignore her and started doing laps. It was ironic, he thought, he'd
been a champion swimmer all his life but when he was trying to please
his love he'd given that up.  And all because he couldn't find a
permanent dye that would stay in his hair.

Contemplating his loss of the love of his life, he suddenly realised
he'd bumped in to somebody.  "I'm sorry,"  he apologized, rolling so
that he could stand in the pool.

"Oh, no, I should be more careful,"  the woman, and boy was she ever a
woman, nicely shaped breasts, wide-eyed and bushy tailed.   She looked
vaguely familiar.  He'd probably seen her around the boat sometime.

Vachon decide it would be rude just to swim away. "I was just
daydreaming,"  he said, his heart beating faster and his mind glad of
the cold water in the pool.   "It's been a rough cruise."

"Tell me about it,  my husband just decided to go off with some blonde bimbo
named Suzanne!"  the woman huffed, breasts heaving with every breath.  

Vachon decide it would be rude just to swim away.  At heart he really
was the kind, sensitive, caring man that Tracy had been searching for.
She just hadn't been able to see past his blondeness.

"I got dumped too,"  he empathized, trying to keep his eyes on her
face.  Which was quite attractive, he noted.  Her straight black hair
and short bob was so refreshing after the "Charlie's Angels" look that
most women today favored.

"Well, she can have him.  She'll find out that he has an unfortunate
tendency to overweight and likes to beer fart when company's over!"  the
woman continued,  "You should just forget about her.  She's probably not
worth fretting over."

"You're right, she just didn't want me the way that I am,"  said Vachon.

"Well, screw them both,"  the woman stuck out her hand for him to shake.
"My name's Farrah, you want to start a completely meaningless relationship
based on a chance meeting in a pool on a ship of fools?"

"My name's Javier and I'd love too.  Uh, you're not *the* Farrah are you?"

"Yeah, I am, I've been going incognito for this trip though. It would
ruin my image if people found out I was really a brunette."

"But your hair?" Vachon stared at the straight, dark bob on her head.
"It's so short!"

"Oh, I gave up that other style years ago.  It made me look like some
inbred red-neck.  Besides, I got sick of dyeing it. My head used to
come out in a rash. Let's go get a drink."

Vachon had colored at the word "dye" but he could sympathize with her
position.  He thought he'd try his luck.  "Would you like to go to the
dance contest tonight?"

"Sounds like fun!  But let's just go for a little while and parade around
in front of our exs.  Then we could go back to my room and polish off
a bottle or too. I'm sure we can think of some way to spend the evening."

Javier Vachon decided he wasn't going to give up women just quite yet.
Maybe tomorrow.  "I'm sure we can," he smiled at her.

*****

The final day passed quickly on the Love Boat.  Janette spent the
entire time in the salon, charging the final enormous sum (plus
generous tip) on Nick's Visa card that Natalie had swiped from his
wallet and given to her.  Natalie aerobicized, had her hair done, and
charged her extremely expensive new dress and accessories to Nick's
American Express card that she'd also swiped from his wallet.  Nick
practised with Lacroix, learning the Hustle, the Bus Stop, and which
of his feet was the left one.  When LaCroix finally excused himself
and headed for his cabin, Nick headed for the bar.  Somehow he just
knew it was going to be a bad evening.  He needed something stronger
than his usual pink lemonade.  He ordered a Black Russian, and told
Isaac to keep them coming.

Tracey meanwhile aerobicized for six straight hours then staggered to
the gym and climbed on the StairMaster.  She only needed a few minutes
to get ready, and she was sure the skin tight pantsuit she'd picked out
for the evening would show even the tiniest bit of cellulite.  She
didn't want Merrill to leave her for some firm-thighed younger woman,
not when she'd just found him!  She still had an hour before she was
due to meet him, plenty of time for a workout!

*****

Having finally succeeded in getting a rather confused Nicholas Knight
to the point that he could tell Olivia Newton-John from the Bee Gees
and his left foot from his right foot, LaCroix headed back to his cabin
to relax a little before his big date with Julie.  He opened the door to
find his parents happily playing tug-o-war with a dashschund.  

"Argh!" he screamed.  "What are you doing!"

Pierre dropped his end of the dashschund and jumped onto the bed. 
"Don't you talk to your mother like that!" he scolded his son.  "If
we want to play with our food, that's our business!"

"Yes, Lucien.  Show your father some respect," Pepe added.  "After
all, he paid for this cruise!"

"<I> paid for this cruise!" corrected LaCroix, "and if I'd known you
were going to behave like this I'd have left you at home!"

Pepe's lip started to tremble, "What a terrible thing to say to
your mother.  After all the years I spent raising you!"  

Pierre jumped off the bed and bit LaCroix on the ankle. "Apologize
to your mother right now!"

"Ow!"  exclaimed LaCroix.  He sat down on the bed.  "Oh Mom, I
didn't mean it. You know I love you and Dad.  I just don't want 
anything to get in the way of my date with Julie tonight."

"You haven't told her about us, have you?" asked Pepe.

"No," admitted LaCroix, ashamed that he hadn't told Julie the truth.
"But why don't you come to the dance with me tonight and I'll tell
her then.  If she can't accept that you're my parents then she's
not the girl for me!"

"Oh, thank you son!" cried Pepe.

"That's my boy!" said Pierre. 

"Why don't I go and get ready while you clean this mess up?" suggested
LaCroix.  He headed to the bathroom to change.

Pepe and Peirre were yipping and jumping up and down with excitement.
As LaCroix closed the door he wondered if he'd made the right choice in
deciding to introduce his parents to Julie. He glanced back out. They'd 
started to throw pieces of the dashschund around the room.  Maybe he'd
tell her he was adopted.

*****

"What do you think?"  Farrah twirled around in front of Vachon, who was
lounging on the bed in her cabin.  They'd spent a wonderful afternoon
together doing this, that, and the other.  Javier had definitely decided
not to give up women, at least not till tomorrow.  

"Mmmmm, very nice.  Where did you get that wig?"  

"Oh, they're everywhere.  I can't believe this look is still so popular.
You think it would have died out years ago."  Farrah had purchased the
latest in the Farrah-2000 range from the styling salon.  It made her
look just like the publicity photos.  She looked at her reflection in
the mirror and shuddered.  "I'm only doing this because I like you,
you know.  I'd much rather be in cotton sweatpants."

"Yeah, me too!" Vachon pointed out.  He was wearing a silver and black
outfit with lots of glittery stuff on it - the pants were threatening
to do permanent damage to some vital parts.  But they showed of his
assets nicely and that was what Farrah had wanted. Vachon even had a
gold medallion on and had pouffed his long hair into the latest style.

"Let's go strut our stuff!"  They headed for the disco.


*** KNIGHT FEVER ***

"Oi, do we <have> to be here?"  Rastro whined.  The glitter, the
flares, the gold medallions on hairy chests, and most of all the music
were starting to have a nauseating effect on her.  And she'd only been
there two minutes.

"Ssshhh,"  Maddog shushed her fellow Lurker. "And stop whining.  It's
probably our only chance to get back to our own universe.  So endure
the Bee Gees for tonight, or get used to polyester forever."

"But it brings me out in a rash!"  Rastro complained, scratching her
back where the halter top tied around her waist.  Both Lurkers had been
forced to don disguises that would get them into the Captain's disco
dance.  Rastro had on a very fetching pair of purple culots with a
matching halter top, tastefully decorated in gold braid.  The pants
flared so wide at the bottom you could hide just about anything under
them.  In fact, the tesseract was strapped to her calf.  Maddog knew
she had a couple of knives and a hip flask also hidden on her person,
but she had no desire to find out where.  She just hoped Rastro knew
how to walk in the tacky gold platform shoes.

Maddog herself, being bifurcated (go look it up), simply did not wear
dresses, or anything resembling a dress, so she'd settled on a cute
little polyester top with red and white horizontal stripes and a little
zipper down the front, and a rather staid pair of black hipper-hugger
bell-bottoms.  Not particularly disco dress, but it was the most she
could bring herself to do.  The two Lurkers looked so different from
their normal attire that nobody had spotted yet that they were just the
hired help.

Maddog squirmed in her seat.  The black hip huggers were riding up her
ass and really annoying her.  The pounding in her head was added to by
the awful beat of the disco music.  She'd always thought that disco had
gotten a bad rap.  That it was a fun and danceable type of music.
Obviously, she'd just never been exposed to it enough.  A thought came
to mind,  "Oi, Rastro."

"Oi, wot?"  the Australian woman responded, keeping her eye out for the
vampires they needed to put the Universe back to its rightful state.

"The Bee Gees are from Australia, right?"

"Yeah. I think. Or England."

"And so's Olivia Newton John, right?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Perhaps the world would have been a better place if Australia had
never been colonized if that's the kind of stuff they export,"  Maddog
theorized.

"Oh, bite me!  Besides, then you'd be without the music of Herman's
Hermits.  And if Mel Gibson had grown up in the States instead of
Australia he probably wouldn't have such a fine posterior."

"Good point. Hey, it was just an idea,"  Maddog apologized.  "Oh good,
there's LaCroix with Julie.  And Natalie and Janette - I hate that
woman, she can wear a polyester pantsuit and make it look good -"

"Bitch", they chorused simultaneously.

"- oh how cute, they're with Doc and Gopher. And I see Tracy, who's
just seen Vachon with Farrah Fawcett. Hey, Nick looks like he's going
to have a cow but he's here.  "

"That's very nice, but we still don't know who the vampires are!"
Rastro pointed out. "I think they must be deliberately avoiding us.
They probably can't stand your smell!"

"Hey, who eats all the weird crap round here, lentil breath!"  Maddog
protested.  She was counting off the participants on her fingers.  "So
I guess we're just missing LaCroix."

"I think he's the key to getting the Universe back to normal," Rastro
explained.  "After all, this whole mess was started when we tried to
warp time and space around him.  We've got the glitter ball, we've got
the polyester, all we need is a vampire and we can tesserect this whole
mess back to the way it was."

Maddog didn't respond but pointed to the entrance to the dance.
LaCroix, dressed in a white polyester suit and black shirt, entered the
room carrying two poodles.  "You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That the densification of silicon dioxide can occur in a furnace at
700 C with a nitrogen atmosphere?"

"Uh, well yeah, but no, I think you figured it out."

"Wot?"  Rastro responded, eyes narrowing in thought,  "Yeah, that's
it.  The key has to be around LaCroix.  Here, go throw these."  She
handed her fellow Lurker the secret package since she refused to touch
the contents under general principles.

Maddog sidled up to the two poodles who were now sitting on a chair
together watching the action around them. Opening the package she
plucked one of the contents and held it out.   "Hey, doggies, good
doggies, you want a nice hot dog?"

The two dogs, Pepe and Pierre LaCroix, wagged their tails and sniffed
at the two hot dogs.  Then they cringed back, growling.  Maddog beat a
hasty retreat since their eyes were starting to turn yellow.  "Yup,
that's them.  No dog in its right mind would turn down garlic hot
dogs.  So what do we do now?"

"Um, I guess we need a plan.  Hey, they're running away!" Rastro
pointed out as Pepe and Pierre darted across the dance floor.  "You
know," she theorized, staring at LaCroix showing off his moves with
Julie, "he's gotta be adopted, or this universe is even stranger than
we thought."

"Lacroix is putting John Travolta to shame, Janette is dating Gopher,
Natalie dumped Nick for a fling with Adam Bricker, Tracy is gonna be
Vicky Stuebing's stepmom, Vachon is shacked up with Farah Fawcett and
you're wondering why LaCroix has poodles for parents?"  Maddog stared
at her partner incredulously.

"Well, he seems more the pit bull type," mumbled Rastro.  "Look, there
they are!"  She pointed to the stage where the DJ was spinning the
latest from ABBA.  The two dogs were hiding behind the speakers. "Hey,
doesn't that DJ look like Stonetree?" she said.  " Oh well, time to
disco!"  Both Lurkers headed through the throng in pursuit of the
vampire poodles.

*****

"You dance divinely, Adam,"  Natalie purred into the doctor's ear.  She
was having a wonderful time - not only did Adam Bricker know how to
dance but he really knew how to show a girl a good time.

"So do you, sweetheart,"  Doc purred back, hoping that the gross of
condoms in his cabin weren't all used up.  Women on the rebound, gotta
love 'em.

"Oh, look!"  Natalie gestured with her head aross the dance floor.
Gopher and Janette were doing one of the very new dances that had
premiered last week on DTV (Disco Television).

"Do you want to go try it?"  asked Doc, strutting forward in time to
the music.

"Oh, I couldn't.  I'm nowhere near as graceful as she is.  I'd look
silly."

"Nonsense, you dance wonderfully and even if you didn't the object of
the game of life is to have fun and try new things,"  Doc scolded,
mentally adding, /Lots of new things, especially that thing I heard
about involving the paper hats and ice cubes./

Janette and Gopher were strutting their stuff right underneath the
silver glitter ball.  A group of people were watching them in
fascination.  "We're attracting a crowd,"  Janette said to her partner
when the dance took them to a face to face position.

"I noticed.  You mind?"

"Not at all, it's all kind of fun really.  I haven't done this since,
since I started dating that Nick guy I told you about.  He wouldn't be
seen in public with me!  At first I thought it was because he preferred
intimate evenings at home but now I know he just didn't want his girl
friend finding out about me."

"The man is scum!"  Gopher agreed, a sweet solemn look on his face.  He
spun in place as the last note of the song finished.

"You two were great!"  Janette yelled, still partially deaf from the
music.

"You'll have to teach us that dance,"  Doc added.  "Uh, oh, Gopher you
know what time it is?"

The ship's purser glanced at his watch, "You're right, its nearly
midnight."

"What happens then?  We all turn in to pumpkins?"  Nat asked and then
shared a giggle with Janette.

"No, its a ship's tradition.  At midnight they always play The Hustle."

"Let's stay right here then,"  Doc urged, "We're right underneath the
glitter ball, that's supposed to be good luck."

The delightful strands of the introduction to The Hustle started to
fill the room.

*****

/Bald men,/ thought Tracey Vetter with a happy little smile on her
lips, /bald men were definitely the way to go./  She and Merril had had
a marvelous evening.  Considering he was the Captain, he sure did have
a lot of free time to socialize with the guests.  They'd been ashore
and gotten cute little matching hats, played shuffle board, did some
skeet shooting, gambled and gotten a psychic reading done by the
grieving Mrs. VandeValk.   All in a few short hours.  Best of all, her
thighs no longer felt lumpy.  "Oh, Merril,"  she clapped her hands
together.  "This has been the best day I ever had!"

"I'm so glad,"  Captain Stuebing grasped her hands in his and smiled at
her.

"I never want it to end!"

"Neither do I, say have you ever had a desire to just quit everything
and move to Minneapolis?"

"No, but I think I could make it there.  Why's everybody going towards
the center of the dance floor?"

"It's a Love Boat tradition.  At midnight, they play The Hustle and if
you're underneath the glitter ball it's good luck,"  He crooked his arm
at her.  "Shall we?"

*****

Nick looked bleerily at the dance floor.  The two women in his life
were dancing with some cheap Casanovas from a tacky cruise ship line.
The two women that had really meant something to him had both dumped
him and it was all his own fault.  Feelings of guilt and angst started
to flood his brain. He quickly raised his glass to take another drink,
the umbrella nearly putting his eye out.  /What fool/, he wondered,/ had
come up with the idea of putting little pointy objects in drinks?/

"Stupid idea," he mumbled, downing the rest of the jumbo-size pink
lemonade margarita in one gulp.  "Uh, wanna 'nother one,"  he held up
his hand to the waiter.

The bartender had threatened to cut him off but Nick had threatened to
cut bits of him off so now the margaritas just kept coming.  After ten
of them he felt calm enough to just stare at Janette and Natalie as
they discoed away.  Disco, it was disco dancing that had brought his
downfall.  It had been disco lessons that had convinced him that it was
possible to cheat on his beloved Natalie.

Nick's eyes began to glow with anger as he watched couples gathering
underneath the large glitter ball in the center of the disco floor.
Dressed in their polyester disco clothes that were far too tight,
dancing even though the music hadn't even started yet.  Then the music
began to play, it was *The Hustle*.  That one he knew!  LaCroix had
even told him he was good at it.  Standing up abruptly, not able to
endure watching the women he loved dance any more disco, he rushed the
dance floor, mayhem on his mind.

*****

Javier Vachon and Farrah Fawcett sat in a corner making fun of
everybody in the entire room.  He was so happy that he'd met Farrah.
He'd never realized before how shallow and polyester-filled his life
was before.  He'd found a soul mate that liked cotton and classical
music.  "You're right, the dancing does look like a bunch of chickens
on a hot tar road."

"Told you, hey look they're all gathering under the glitter ball.  I've
got an idea!"

"What?"

"Let's get right underneath that thing and waltz!  Nobody will have
ever done that dance under there."

"Great idea,"  Javier stood up and helped Farrah up.  She was such a
sweet thing and it was so nice to meet a woman with a mind of her own,
not one slaved to fashion.  They hurried over to the center of the
dance floor.

*****

"Look!"  Julie, dancing with LaCroix, had spotted two woman who
appeared to be chasing a couple of dogs around.  "Lucien, aren't those
your poodles?"

LaCroix looked over to where Julie was indicating.  His parents
appeared to be being harassed by a couple of the partygoers.  Probably
it was the other way around and two innocent bystanders were being
annoyed by Pierre because he didn't like the way they smelled, but he
thought he'd better check.

"Yes," he sighed.  "I'd better go and see what's happening.  He started
to lead Julie across the dance floor.  Pepe spotted him coming, dodged
around the two Lurkers and ran over to LaCroix.

"Lucien!  Those strange women are trying to feed us garlic sausages!
They've been chasing us all evening! Your father is very distressed!"

Julie your-cruise-director stared at the small dark grey poodle yapping
at her new boyfriend.  Either there was something Lucien hadn't been
telling her or she'd had a few too many pills that morning. Then she
recognised the two woman.  They weren't party guests, they were the
nasty hired help!

"Hey!" she cried. "You two!  Leave those dogs alone.  You shouldn't be
here - you're just the cleaning women!"

Beside her, LaCroix stiffened suddenly, and his eyes glazed over.
"Cleaning women?  Cleaning woman?!"

"Oh no!"  Pepe let out a doggie howl as LaCroix started to advance on
the unsuspecting Lurkers who were still arguing over what to do next.

"Quick, you have to stop him!"  Pepe yapped at Julie, who was
definitely convinced that the alcohol was interacting with her
prescription drugs.  "His real mother was a cleaning woman, and he
never got over being abandoned as a small child.  He blocked it out and
thinks we're his real parents, but if he hears the words 'cleaning
woman' it brings his subconscious rage to the surface.  It's like
there's this hidden beast inside him!"

/Pyschoanalysis from a poodle?/ though Julie as she ran after LaCroix.
/Well, it is the Love Boat/.  She tried grabbing his arm but to no
avail.  Pepe was jumping round his feet, crying "Lucien!  Honey, it's
okay!"

"Argh!" cried Rastro, suddenly realizing they were in imminent danger
of being throttled by LaCroix.  She grabbed Pierre and started to run.

"Isn't this where we came in?"  asked Maddog.

"Get the other poodle!"  Rastro yelled.

"But it's all doggy," protested Maddog.  She didn't like doggies, they
smelt and made her sneeze and wheeze.

"It's a poodle, stupid!  It has a wool coat, not hair!"

"Oh, okay."  Dodging the outstretched arms of LaCroix, she lunged for
Pepe.  "Now what?"

"To the glitter ball!" cried Rastro, heading through the throng of
people who were gathering for the midnight Hustle.

*****

"Isn't this great?" Natalie enthused to Janette, as they bopped to and
fro in time to the music.

"Perfect," the dark-haired woman responded warmly.  Gopher had turned
out to be a wonderful date.  Much more fun than Nick, who they'd
spotted earlier glaring at them from the bar.  Suddenly Janette was
swept off her feet as Gopher lifted her up and swung her around.

"Sorry, Gopher,"  said Captain Stuebing, he'd been about to collide
with Janette.  Gopher smiled at Merill, whom he observed had spent the
whole evening dancing with the attractive young blonde woman he'd met
the previous day.  It was so nice to see the Captain in love, and
wasn't it about time Vicky got a new mother?

Tracey was whispering in the Captain's ear. She'd just seen Vachon
approaching with some blonde Farrah Fawcett-clone he'd picked up
somewhere.  An <older> woman! Who may have had firm thighs, but who
obviously couldn't do the Hustle!  Were they actually waltzing?  How
tacky!  She looked up at the glitter ball.  It was nearly midnight.

Suddenly she noticed a commotion on the floor.  Two women were pushing
their way through the dancers. They were carrying a couple of poodles,
who were yipping excitedly.  Her friend Julie was close behind, trying
to restrain her new boyfriend, who had a glazed look in his eyes and a
determined look on his face.

"Wha-?" she began, and was almost knocked over as Maddog plowed into
her.  Only Merril's strong grip kept her on her feet.  Maddog tripped
over and fell against Rastro.  Both Lurkers ended up on the floor,
directly under the glitter ball, still holding tight to Pepe and
Pierre.

Janette, Doc, Natalie, Gopher, Vachon, Farrah, Captain Stuebing and
Tracy stopped dancing and stared at the two women.

"Hey, it's the cleaning women!" observed Gopher.

"Cleaning woman!" cried LaCroix, plowing into the Captain, knocking him
and Tracy to the floor.  They landed on the Lurkers.

"Cleaning women?" Vachon said in puzzlement.

"Cleaning woman!" LaCroix roared, turning to throttle Vachon and
knocking him and Farrah onto the Lurkers too.

"Natalie! Janette!" cried a drunken Nick. "I love you both!  Come back
to me!"  They turned to see him lurching towards them.  "Get away from
my women!" he roared at Doc and Gopher.  He flung himself with
outstretched arms at the two men, and managed to knock all four of them
onto the growing pile under the glitter ball.  He landed on the top,
and promptly passed out.

"Lucien, stop!" cried Julie to LaCroix, who was trying to find someone
to throttle in the struggling mass of people. Thinking quickly, she
jumped onto his back.  Unfortunately she weighed a little more than the
110 pounds she'd written on her job application, and they both ended up
on top of Nick.

Squished flat at the bottom of the pile, Maddog squeaked out a
sarcastic, "Was this part of your cunning plan?"

"No," growled Rastro, trying to prevent Pierre from becoming a floor
rug and managing to get a nasty bite in the process.  "Ow!" she
exclaimed.

"Will you get us out of here!"  Maddog could barely breathe.

"I'm trying!"  Rastro nearly had a hold of the tesseract.  "If someone
would just remove his hand!"  There was another up her pants leg and
she thought it probably belonged to Adam Bricker.  "Got it!" she
grabbed the tesseract and hauled it out. "We are out of here!"

Maddog struggled to grab a hold of it too.  "I have no idea what it's
set on but anything is better than Love Boat hell!" She managed to
reach the activation switch.  "Ready?"

"Just push the bloody button!"  Rastro screamed at her. The crowd
cheered as the clock struck midnight.

Maddog pushed the button.  Merril Stuebing found himself on the bottom
of a polyester-clad pile of people as the two cleaning women and their
poodles disappeared in time and space.  Not for the first time he
consider retiring to Arizona and raising chinchillas.

"What happened?"  groaned LaCroix, pushing himself off the comatose
Nick and staring in puzzlement at the mess of arms and legs in front of
him.  Had he passed out playing Twister again?  He looked around.
"Mommy?  Daddy?"  His parents were nowhere in sight.

Julie peered up at him in concern. "Lucien, are you alright?"

He helped her off the pile and smiled at her. "Oh, I'm fine.  Must have
got a little too much sun this afternoon.  Did I happen to mention I'm
an orphan?"

*****

The Lurkers materialized elsewhere and when.  For a moment they both
just lay there.

Rastro opened an eye.  "Oh good, I can breathe again."  Janette's
hairspray had been setting off her asthma. She rolled over and sat up,
belatedly realizing she still had a hold of a vampire poodle.

Maddog groaned but didn't move.  "Are we back?"

Rastro stood up and looked around.  "I think we're in the Raven." She
helped Maddog sit up.

The Lurker slowly climbed to her feet.  "Well, it looks like the
Raven.  Our Raven, that is."

"Oh shit!" They both suddenly realized what that meant, and scrambled
for the door.

"My Raven, I think you mean,"  a familiar voice said.  A dark figure
blocked their escape.

"Argh!" screamed Rastro, and in an instinctive reaction, (honed by
years of growing up in Australia where just about everything was
poisonous and if something was crawling up your leg you assumed it was
a big black hairy spider and got rid of it as quickly as possible),
flung Pierre at the big black-clad (though not hairy) LaCroix faster
than humanly possible.

"Pierre!" shrieked Pepe as her husband went flying through the air.
The enraged poodle growled at Maddog who promptly dropped her.

LaCroix, about to finish off the annoying Lurkers once and for all,
froze in astonishment as a talking dog with yellow eyes and really big
canines came running across the floor at him.  Another came flying
through the air, and without thinking he caught it.

Pierre, sick of being treated as a football, sank his teeth into the
unlucky master vampire.  The taste seemed somewhat familiar.  He let go
and burped.  "Hey Pepe, you gotta try this one."  His wife took his
advice and sank her teeth into LaCroix's leg.

LaCroix came to the conclusion that he really shouldn't have got up
that morning, just before he passed out.  Maybe it was all just a bad
dream.

"Outta here?" said Maddog, nudging Rastro who was staring slack-jawed
at the unconscious LaCroix.

"Bloody hell, yes!"  Both Lurkers took off through the door, vowing to
leave Toronto as fast as possible.

"Oh, Pierre!  It's our Lucien!"  cried Pepe as she realised who she was
nibbling on.  "Baby, are you okay?" She started licking LaCroix's
face.

"No wonder he tasted familiar," said Pierre.  "But he looks different
somehow."

The two poodles regarded their son.  "I know," said Pepe, "he's not
wearing that awful polyester clothing.  All his clothes are natural
fibers."

"And all in a tasteful black," agreed Pierre.  "What do you know, he
actually does listen to us.  We've been telling him for years to stop
wearing that awful polyester.  Every time I went near him I'd get a
static shock!"

"Come on, honey buns," Pepe licked her 'son' again.  "Mommy's here."

*****

Safely aboard a flight bound for Seacouver, the two Lurkers sipped
happily at their drinks.

"Ah," sighed Maddog, drooling over her first Diet Coke in six months.

"Ah, ah," sighed Rastro as she slurped down the Bailey's Irish Cream.
A thought struck her.  "Hey, what about the poodles?"

"Wot?" said Maddog.  "Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.  LaCroix is their
son, after all."

"Not in this universe," pointed out Rastro.

"Hee, hee. I wonder how LaCroix will like it.  Having his parents
telling him what to do, sticking their noses into his business -"

"Literally," interjected Rastro.

"- playing matchmakers, trying to make him follow in their footsteps."
She started to giggle.  "Hey, Nick should be grateful to us!"

"Yeah, he'll proabably be left alone for a while!"

The two Lurkers leaned back in their chairs and relaxed.  Life, they
thought, was finally going to settle down for a while.  "Excuse me,"  a
man's voice interrupted their quiet time.  "Could you please tell me
what time it is?"

"It's nine o'clock,"  Maddog mumbled, eyes growing wider, face becoming
ashen.

"Oh, no, no,"  Rastro moaned, wondering what she had done to offend the
universe this time.

"Are you two alright?  My name's Steve Austin, Astronaut. Can I help?"

************************************************************************

THE END.  (At last!)