The Love Boat of Doom
by The Lurkers

****************************************************
Day 2:
****************************************************
Vicki Stuebing adjusted the skirt of the mock-uniform she wore around
the ship.  While she wasn't a paid member of the crew, she was the
captain's daughter and tried to help out around the ship.  She had a
major problem with getting her own identity but tried not to think
about it much.  This morning she was supposed to help referee the
seniors shuffle board tournament.  Julie was always dumping that job on
her since, for some reason Vicki couldn't fathom, she hated mornings
and always had a nose bleed to contend with.  "Here Sparky,"  the girl
called out.  She'd let her Pomeranian out this morning for his run and
he hadn't come back.  Last time that had happened she'd found him stuck
in a ventilation shaft.  She suspected those two nasty cleaning women
had done it, they were always going on about personal responsibility
and pooper scoopers.   Wandering around she spied a flash of a Sparky's
leg sticking out from behind a bank of folded deck chairs.  "Sparky,
naughty doggie, where have you been?"  Vicki walked over and started to
scold the dog.  Then she realized that the leg was not attached to the
rest of her beloved Sparky and screamed.

"What the ....."  Issac heard the scream as he was preparing the
morning ton of mimosas.  Rushing over to the source of the scream, he
nearly ran into those two nasty cleaning women, Rastro and Maddog.  Who
had arrived on the scene a split second before he had.  Gathering Vicki
into his arms, he turned her away from the grisly scene.  Not only was
Sparky's body several feet away from one of his legs, his head had been
ripped off and dragged around the deck leaving a faint bloody trail.

"I suppose we're going to have to clean this up?"  Rastro groused.

"It does seem to be our lot in life,"  Maddog  sighed.

"Come on, Vicki, let's get you back to your cabin,"  Issac comforted
the girl.  "You two, clean this up and quick!  The shuffleboard
tournament is going to start soon."

The Lurkers exchanged glances as they examined the dog's body.  While
the dog was dismembered there was very, very little blood on the deck.
"Hey Rastro, look at this,"  Maddog pointed to a spot near where
Sparky's head was. "If you look at it in the right light you can sort
of see these sweeping marks."

Rastro looked at the designs for a moment, "Looks to me like somebody
was licking something off the deck."

"Eewwwwww,"  both women declared.  Maddog grabbed a broom and pushed
the entire mess into a plastic bag Rastro was holding.

"Did you two get rid of it yet?"  Issac asked as he came back to the
scene.

"Yeah, its all in this bag."

"Good, put the bag inside a freezer someplace.  Vicki wants Sparky to
have a burial at sea tonight at sunset."

"How romantic,"  Maddog quipped.

*****

"Do the hustle!"  the large set of speakers on the deck blared out into
the rapidly warming sea air.  A group of about twenty women clapped
their hands to the beat as they did leg thrusts according to the
direction of a sequined clad blonde.  It was the morning "Sweating to
the Disco Greats" class, a highly attended event.   Two of the women in
the highly coveted backrow (in a vain effort to hide from the twenty
year olds who had not yet formed cellulite on their thighs or succumbed
to that suckiest of all natural forces, gravity) were Natalie Lambert
and Janette DuCharm.  Two of the men watching the class from the highly
coverted railing position on the upper deck were Gopher and Doc.  They
had an excellent view of the (posteriors of the) aerobicizing women,
especially those who thought they were safely hidden in the back row.

"Okay, slow march in place!"  the instructor called out as the song
changed to a slow disco version of "Billy, Don't Be a Hero".

"Whoosh, this is sure harder than my class at home,"  Natalie commented
in between gasps of air.

"Yes, I go to a class four times a week and its nothing like this,"
Janette responded, glad that her gambit of exercising next to Natalie
had led them in to a conversation.

"Wow, I'm lucky to make it three times a week.  There always seems to
be something more interesting to do."

"Like disco with Nick?" Janette purred, or as close as to purring as
one can get when one is out of breath and sweating.

"What did you say?"  Natalie stopped marching in place to take a better
look at the woman next to her.

"I asked if part of the reason you don't aerobicize as much as you'd
like is because you go discoing with Nick.  Perhaps I should introduce
myself. I'm Janette DuCharm and I'm the other woman."

Natalie looked at the other woman open-mouthed, though her legs kept
moving in time to the music.  She though about all those empty nights
at home with her cat while Nick was supposedly taking disco lessons.
"I think we'd better have a long talk."

"I couldn't agree more.  The grand breakfast buffet seems like a good
place."

"Yeah, I think a couple of hundred calories will make this news go down
a little more smoothly."

*****

"Hey, those two in the back row are leaving early,"  Gopher was most
upset.  He quite fancied the dark-haired one.  She somehow managed to
look cool and elegant even when dripping sweat.

"They're probably heading for food," said Doc.  After all, he was a
doctor and knew that after exercising off 100 calories women were
biologically driven to find something of equal or greater calorific
value and rapidly consume it.  "What say we help Isaac out at the
buffet this morning?"

Gopher nodded his assent and followed Doc down the stairs at a rapid
jog.

*****

An hour and half and several *thousand* calories later, the two women
sat around an umbrella topped table.  Their discussion had gone from
Nick, to men in general, to slimy things that crawl on the ground on
their bellies, to bacon (the much maligned breakfast meat), back to men
in general and then to Nick again.

"I can't believe he'd do this to me,"  Natalie finally concluded,
shoving another muffin in to her mouth.  "I mean, we're supposed to be
getting married!"

"I was hoping that Nick was going to be proposing to me soon,"  Janette
sympathized, buttering another scone before devouring it.   The two
women chewed in silence then looked at each other, a fierce gleam
appearing in their eyes.

"Men are scum!"  they declared.

"The question is, what are we going to do about it?"  queried Natalie
as she waved to Issac to bring her another Bloody Mary.

"I was thinking about that and I think I have an idea,"  Janette said,
a smile lighting up her face.  She too waved at Issac for another
drink.  "Listen to this and let me know what you think......"

*****

Behind the buffet table, Doc, Gopher and Isaac had watched is disbelief
as the two women went through the breakfast line, took one of
everything, cleaned their plates and returned for seconds.  By the time
they'd returned for fifths Doc had concluded that they were both really
annoyed at something and that now would probably not be a good time to
ask either one of them to the dance tomorrow evening.  He had Isaac
check the seating list for the Captain's dinner.  The dark-haired
woman, Janette, was not on the seating list at all. The other woman,
Natalie, was seated at the Captain's table, but unfortunately she was
not travelling alone.  Adam Bricker had never considered this an
obstacle in the past, and he didn't now.  He quickly altered the
seating plan so that Janette and Natalie were strategically placed
next to himself and Gopher.  Nicholas Knight would just have to fend 
for himself.

*****

"Ahhhh,"  sighed LaCroix, lying back on a deck chair and shutting his
eyes.  Peace and quiet at last. Not that he didn't like spending time
with his parents, but he'd been getting a little tired of them arguing
all morning.  Did it really matter whether Dachschunds were tastier
than Cocker Spaniels?  Especially as he'd become a vegetarian many
years earlier in a fit of rebellion against his parent's lifestyle.
Also he didn't feel up to asking his Dad where the bone he'd been
gnawing on all morning had come from - he had a feeling the answer
might ruin his holiday, and any chance he had of getting to know Julie,
the lovely cruise director.

"Bugger!"  A loud crash nearby rudely interrupted his fanatasizing and
he looked around to see a sunburned redhead holding a bottle of
something flying through the air towards him.  She landed face down on
the deck in front of his recliner.  Another woman dressed very
unfashionably in denim shorts and a plain white 100 percent cotton
t-shirt strolled over and helped the first one up.

"Excuse me,"  the redhead apologized, "but somebody left a mop lying on
the deck."  She glared at her companion and turned back to LaCroix.  "I
was just going to offer you some sunscreen..."  Her voice trailed off
and her eyes glazed over as she flipped up the lid on the bottle.

"You two!"  LaCroix sighed in relief as Julie your-cruise-director came
to his rescue.  "How many times do I have to tell you, no fraternizing
with the guests!"  She turned to LaCroix, shaking her head.  "Good help
is so hard to find."  She bent closer to him and whispered, "They're
really not Love Boat material, but nobody else will swab the decks."

LaCroix smiled at her.  "I quite understand."  Unfashionable and rude
as they were, the deck-swabbers had given him the opportunity he'd been
waiting for.  "Umm, I'm here on my own, and I was looking for a partner
for shuffleboard later.  Do you know of anyone who'd be interested?"

Julie considered the loaded question.  She'd been wondering if she dared
ask him to the Captain's disco dance ever since she'd noticed him in
the corridor last night. He was quite handsome and he had those two
adorable pet poodles, so he was obviously a sensitive and caring man.
"Well, I haven't found a partner yet, so perhaps we could be a team,"
she smiled back at him, and picked up the bottle the hired help had
dropped.  "In the meantime, why don't you roll over and I'll put some
of this sunscreen on you.  It really is very hot out here.  By the way,
do you dance?"

*****

"Told you it wouldn't work," Maddog said smugly as the two Lurkers
trugged down the deck with their mops and buckets.

"Bite me," Rastro was most upset.  "Now the silly blonde bimbo is
smearing my 45+ all over LaCroix's back.  Has he no taste?!"

"Obviously not in this universe.  In ours she'd be his light snack
before bedtime."  She stopped as a thought occurred to her.  "Hey!  I
just had a thought!"

"Oh god, not another one.  We must be in an alternate reality, that's
the third thought you've had this week!"

"Shutup, this is a good one!"  Maddog glared at her fellow Lurker and
continued.  "Maybe all we need to do is get all the elements in this
universe that parallel our own universe together at the same time in
the most opposite state they can get from our reality and then try
warping space around them and see what happens!"

"Wot?"  Rastro had been thinking more along the lines of integrating
non-linear partial differential equations with respect to time and the
density of polyster but maybe Maddog's idea made more sense.  If she
could figure it out.

"But first we need to find a vampire.  Let's start by searching the
engine room."

"Okay."  Rastro shrugged. She quite liked the engine room.  The men
there were nice and sweaty and wore cotton overalls.  They'd never
appeared on television because working all day in the heat and the
grease made it hard to be perky all the time. Also television tends to
forget the realities of everyday life.  She'd been most surprised to
discover that the Love Boat actually had toilets. Quite a lot of them,
which was just as well with Maddog aboard. Shuddering at the hideous
image, she turned her thoughts to more pleasant things.  "Hey, you owe
me a drink.  LaCroix DID have Speedos in his luggage!"

*****

"Cooo,"  Tracey Vetter's soft voice fluttered across the ocean breeze
to the love of her life, that raven-haired beauty Javier Vachon.

"Coo-a-coo,"  Vachon's deeper voice echoed back, love filling every
molecular vibration as the sound skittered across the space between
them like a squirrel across a crowded street.

"Ooo, cooo, cooo,"  his lady love responded, her devotion-filled heart
beating a little faster.

"Oh, what a major hurl,"  Julie thought as she approached the pair.  It
was the Love Boat after all and she'd seen thousands of people in love
but this was getting a too little disgusting even for her.  Especially
before lunch. "Oh, hi Tracey, Javier, sorry to interrupt."

"No problem,"  Vachon responded, picking up Tracey's hand and letting a
long kiss play over the knuckles.  "I was just about to get us some
drinks.  We were just saying good-bye to each other."

"You're just going across the deck to get a drink?"  Julie said, a
perplexed look filling her face.

"I know but it will seem like an eternity before he once again returns
to my side,"  Tracey murmured, eyes sending a long, lingering look of
love toward Javier.

"Okay,"  the cruise director shook her head in disbelief and wondered
if all the banana daquiris Tracey had drank for breakfast in college
had finally caught up to her.  She watched Vachon walk across the deck,
his head turning around periodically to blow kisses at her friend.
"So, enjoying your vacation?"

"I love it!  The boat is everything you said it was.  I feel such love
flowing over me."

"That's wonderful and just think, you haven't even participated in
bingo yet!  So Javier and you are getting along well, I take it?"

"Couldn't be better,"  Tracey smiled and waved to the man in question
who was patiently waiting in line.  "I knew the whole key to finding a
better man was finding one that wasn't blonde."

"Trace, that's not fair.  Just because you've run into a few blonde men
that were less than stellar isn't any reason to think that they're all
that way."

"They are all that way,"  came the furious reply.  "Scum of the earth,
pig droppings, butt heads, snot-filled whoremongers and not worth a
used tampon, that's what all blonde men are."  During her tirade,
Tracey's eyes had started to take on a psychotic over-glaze and her
hand had crushed a plate of nachos that it had been reaching in to.

"Uh, okay,"  Julie said hastily and then tried to distract her friend
before she blew a blood vessel.  "There's going to be a dance contest
after dinner tomorrow night. Would you and Javier like to get
involved?"

"Sure, he's a wonderful dancer.  Oh, he's coming back.  Cooo, cooo."

"I'll sign you up. See you both later,"  Julie said even though nobody
was listening to her any longer.

*****

"Oh, that's wonderful son,"  Pepe LaCroix gushed at her offspring.  He
could be so shy at times, quite unlike his outgoing father.   She was
so glad that he'd gotten up the courage to ask that Julie girl for a
date.

"I'll say.  About time my genes started kicking in.  You were beginning
to act like you'd been fixed,"  Pierre yelped in merriment.  "So, where
are you taking her?"

"There's a disco contest tomorrow night.  We've entered as a pair,"
Lucien explained, his fair face coloring with embarassment.

"Yip, yip, yip,"  both of his parents started wagging their tails and
barking with excitment.  They were very amused.  Lucien knew that they
would laugh at him.  Vampire dogs thought that any type of dancing was
funny but the most amusing dancing of all was disco.  In the opinion of
the carouche, you might as well just give up sniffing butts as to hop
about like John Travolta.

"I don't know what is so funny.  I've been told I'm a rather good
dancer."

"But you look so silly doing it,"  Pierre howled.

"I'm going out,"  Lucien declared as he hurried from the room.  He
resisted the urge to slam the door, it only led to more barking, and
closed it with a deliberate click behind him.

*****

"Coo,"  Tracey mumbled as she sat on the lounge chair by the pool. It
was afternoon and the sun was blazing down on her and her neurons were
starting to fuse together from the heat.

"A-cooo-mmm,"  Javier mumbled back, the effects of alcohol and heat
making him feel very much like a bunch of broccoli.

The two lovers lay companionably in the sun together.  Nothing
disturbing their perfect peace and harmony but an occasional sea breeze
gently rolling across their perfect, bronze bodies.  Then Tracey rolled
over onto her back and was shocked by the sudden prick of pain than ran
through her.  She declared, "I've got to cool off.  Come on into the
water with me."

"Wha?? No, can't move, too tired,"  Vachon responded, not even
bothering to open his eyes.  Visions of cheese sauce were filling his
brain.

Vetter looked at him with disgust, then took the two short steps to the
edge of the pool and jumped in.  The water was cool against her skin as
she took a few laps across the pool.  She was floating on the other
side of the water, looking back at her true companion when a notion
came to her.  Never once in the whole time she and Javier had been
going together had she seen him swim or, for that matter, wet.   The
man was laying in the lounge chair like he was a vegetable, it was a
perfect time to finally get him into the water.  Tracey silently
slipped out of the water and carefully made her way around the pool.
She snuck up behind Javier, grabbed his arm and before the man could
protest pushed him into the water.  For a moment he sank and she was
afraid that he couldn't swim.  Then something started to happen in the
water.  Its crystal clearness started to muddy and turn brown.  For a
moment she thought he was bleeding into the water, there seemed to be a
lot of dark water running from his head.  Then she realized what it
was.  It was not the blood of life running from Javier's head but hair
dye.  His beautiful brunette locks were beginning to turn a honey
gold.  Tracey began to tremble in rage.  The man had lied to her all
this time.  He was really a blonde!  Filling her lungs made powerful by
years of cheerleading in junior high and high school she screamed.

The sound of the scream carried across the entire ship.  The seniors at
their shuffleboard tournament stopped at the sound, all wondering if it
was the angel of death come finally for them.  The skeet shooters
ceased shooting, wondering if someone had shot themselves in the foot.
The gamblers, sun bathers and buffet freaks ceased their efforts and
listened, wondering what could cause such a horrible sound.  The
Lurkers searching the bilge wondered if LaCroix had just put on his
shirt and realized that polyester chafed on sunburnt skin.  And Pepe and
Pierre looked up startled from their afternoon nap, wondering if Mrs
VandeValk on deck two had just discovered her precious little Sweetpea
was missing.  Pierre had always hated chihuahuas.

*****

Nick looked over and shot a smile over toward Natalie.  They were
walking arm in arm down the moonlit deck towards the dining room where
they were to dine at the Captain's table.   Nat had been very quiet all
afternoon.  At first he had thought she was tired from the aerobics
class and the hot sun but even a nap and a cool shower hadn't enlivened
her any.  "Sweetheart, is anything wrong?"

"Oh, no, Nick, not at all.  Oh, I forgot.  I signed us up for the disco
contest tomorrow night."

"What?"  Cold fear gripped Nick's heart at the word "disco".

"I thought it would be the perfect chance for you to show off all those
lessons you've been taking.  Besides, it'll be fun,"  Natalie purred,
giving Nick's cheek a kiss.

"Uh, but,"  Knight stuttered, his mind desperately grasping for some
excuse to get him out of this mess.  "I'm sure there'll be really great
dancers there.  I don't want to look silly!"

"Oh, you won't. I'm sure there will be plenty of people there that have
absolutely no talent for dancing whatsoever.  Remember how you were
before you started taking lessons?  You couldn't even do the Bus Stop
right!"

"I remember,"  Nick replied, eyes glazing over at the memory just as
the two of them entered the dining room.  It took a moment for his eyes
to adjust at the lower lighting inside.  He scanned the room looking
for the Captain's table.  He located it and took exactly one step
forward before he realized who was seated next to the Captain.  It was
Janette!  "Urgghhh!"

"Nick, what is it?"

"I, ya, I, ya, um,"  Nick spluttered, his mind unable to manage even a
single coherent thought.    His stomach twisted into a knot and he bent
over.

"What's wrong?   Should I call a doctor?"  Natalie asked, alarmed at
the dead white color of Nick's face.

"No, no, it's my, uh, colon."

"Did you eat some dairy products?"

"I think there might have been some in the dessert I had at lunch, oh,"
Nick grimaced, doubling over.

"You've got to learn to be more careful.  You are lactose intolerant,
Nick!"

"Yeah, I'm really sorry.  I think I'd better go back to the room!"

"That's probably a good idea,"  Natalie agreed.  "I'll give your
regrets to the Captain."

"Thanks, I'll see you later," Nick groaned and left the dining room.
He leaned against the wall for a moment taking deep cleansing breaths.
Then he slowly started walking back towards their cabin.    What was he
going to do, he wondered, not only couldn't he dance (which would surely
tip off Natalie that he had never been even to one dance class) but
Janette was on board!  How could she have found him and why?  Doomed,
he thought, I'm doomed.    A voice drifted on the breeze toward him.

"And up, clap, turn, clap, spin, strut, two, three, four!"

Nick walked towards the voice and found a tall man with very short hair
dancing on the empty deck.  He observed him in silence for two minutes,
noting that the guy, despite the very unfashionable hair cut, was a
really great dancer.   "Uh, excuse me."

LaCroix stopped dancing, startled by the sudden interruption.  "Yes?"

"You don't know me but I could really use some help."

"What?"

"My girlfriend entered us into the dance contest tomorrow night and I
don't know how to dance!  Can you help me?  You're a really good
dancer."

LaCroix looked at the desperate man in front of him.  It was hard to
turn down such a heartfelt plea for help.  Obviously the guy was going
to be in big trouble with his woman if he didn't learn how to dance.
"Of course, I'll help.  My name's LaCroix, Lucien LaCroix,"  He stuck
out his hand and the other man began to shake it.

"I'm Nick, Nick Knight."

"So, exactly how much dancing do you know?"

Nick shrugged, thrust out his chest, one arm pointing into the sky, the
other towards the ground.  It was the classic pose that John Travolta
had burned into the minds of everyone on the planet.

"Not bad,"  LaCroix commented, "What else?"

"That's it,"  Nick confessed.

"I think we'd better start with the basics then.  Do you know which of
your feet is the left one?"

*****

Tracey Vetter sat at the Captain's table feeling very uncomfortable.
It wasn't that the other guests weren't friendly or that the
conversation wasn't interesting but it was awkward being the only
single person at the table.  Oh, two of the women, she thought their
names were Janet and Nat or something like that, didn't have dates but
they appeared to be old friends the way they were chatting.  The single
man, a large, very white and red fellow, was busy talking to Julie.
She hadn't seen Vachon since she'd found out he was really a blonde.
Julie and Gopher had been really helpful and helped her move into an
empty cabin.  She couldn't bear the thought of being anywhere around
that, that, hair-color challenged man!

"More shrimp?"

Tracey looked around, startled by the question.  It was the Captain.
Her face started to redden, she hoped he wouldn't notice.  "Oh, yes,
please," she held out her plate.

"Excuse me for saying so but you seem distracted tonight,"  Captain
Stuebing asked as he ladled more shrimp alfredo onto the woman's
plate.

"Yes, I am a bit.  Sorry."

"Oh, no need to apologize.  Anything I can help you with?"

Tracey looked at the Captain.  He had a gentle smile on his face.  Then
she looked at the top of his head.  It was partially bald with a fringe
of white hair around the edges.  Definitely not a blonde.  She smiled
back and felt herself relax for the first time in hours.  "Well, its
just been one of those really horrible days,"  she began and went on to
relate the day's happenings.

Captain Stuebing listened patiently, wondering for the millionth time
why these things always seemed to happen on his ship.  He waited until
the woman had concluded her story before speaking.  "That's terrible."

"I suppose it could be worse.  I mean, I could have found out after I
had married him,"  Tracey tried to smile bravely as she accepted a
piece of cake from the waiter.  "You want to hear something silly?"

"What?"

"All of this happened and the one thing I can't get out of my mind is
that I'm going to miss the dance tomorrow night!  Can you believe it?
An unimportant little dance and it keeps popping into the back of my
mind."

"Well, I can't help you with the rest of your troubles but I'd be
honored if you'd go to the dance with me,"  Merrill Stuebing offered
gallantly.

"Oh, I'd love to,"  Tracy gushed, then she continued, "You disco?"

"Oh, everyone on the Princess line is required to take disco lessons,"
he informed her.  "Even the captain."

"That will be wonderful."

"Would you like to practice?"  The captain stood up, the band had
struck up a number and couples were getting up.  Tracey just smiled in
response and got up to dance.

*****

"And didn't you hate the way he'd use the edge of a matchbook to pick
his teeth at the dinner table?"  Janette commented to Natalie who was
unfortunately taking a drink of a pink lemonade margarita.  Natalie,
who remembered Nick's annoying habit very well, nearly shot her
margarita through her nose.

Natalie glared at Janette but laughter overcame her.   They'd been
picking apart Nick Knight for hours and it had dominated their
conversation at the Captain's dinner.  She knew they should join in the
conversations around them but she was having entirely too much fun.
Besides the only other single person at the table was some blonde woman
that was monopolizing the Captain.

"You two ladies seem to be enjoying yourselves,"  Dr. Adam Bricker,
ship's doctor, commented.  "What's the joke?"

"Oh, nothing,"  Janette replied chuckling.  "We're just laughing at the
foibles of a mutual... friend."

"You're bashing a guy, aren't you?"  Bricker knew women, not only had
he been married several times but he had an affair nearly every time
the Love Boat left port.  Fortunately he was a doctor and got a
discount on condoms.

"Well, yeah,"  Natalie admitted, signaling the waiter for another
margarita.

"Doc, don't you find it nerve wracking that women seem to find us men
amusing?"  Gopher added to the conversation.

"Us men have nerves of steel,"  the doctor commented wryly, lifting an
eyebrow.  Women on the rebound, gotta love 'em, he thought.

"I thought that was buns of steel?"  Janette purred, her brain already
plotting ahead at the possibility of really nailing Nick to the wall.

"Among other things,"  Gopher said ingenuously.    The others stared at
him.  "Oh, here comes dessert.  You ladies should really try the
tiramisu, it's delicious."

"And creamy,"  Doc added.  "Do you ladies have any plans for after
dinner?" he asked, life being short and no time to waste.

"Well,"  Natalie looked over at Janette questioningly.

"Actually,  we were hoping to practice for the dance contest tomorrow
night.  Unfortunately, the man we were with has deserted us."

"That cad,"  Doc said with mock affront,  "Well, could my friend here
and I offer to take you ladies dancing?"

"That would be marvelous, only,"  Janette let her voice trail off.

"Only there's no use in practicing since we don't have partners for the
contest tomorrow,"  Natalie finished.

"I'm not doing anything tomorrow night,"  Gopher piped up,  "What about
you, Doc?  Have time in your busy schedule to escort two beautiful
women to a night of dancing?"

"I would be delighted,"  Doc declared as he took a dessert from a
passing waiter.

Natalie and Janette looked at each other and declared, simultaneously,
"Perfect."

Doc and Gopher shot each other a nervous look but then they both
shrugged.  It was the Love Boat after all and if people weren't plotting 
against each other the boat would surely sink.

***** 

"Kaboom!"  The sound of a 21 skeet-gun salute broke the late evening
revelry on the Love Boat.  From the bow of the ship, the mortal remains
of Sparky the Pomeranian were consigned to the murky depths.

Captain Stuebing put a comforting arm around Vicky as he walked her
back inside.  Wondering how he could abandon her and get back to the
party.  That young, blond, firm-breasted Tracy Vetter seemed to really
like him.  Maybe she had a thing for bald men.  Also she had turned out
to be an excellent dancer, and she had promised to provide him with an
outfit for the contest from her own original line.  He hoped it was
white.  /I looked good in white/ he thought, observing himself in the
hall mirrors.

"Dad, I need a favor,"  Vicky interrupted his preening.

"Yes, dear.  I'll get you another puppy as soon as we dock."  He had
really hated that yappy Pomeranian but he would never deprive his
daughter. That's what made the Love Boat so special.

"No, I don't want another dog. Nobody could ever replace Sparky," Vicky
sobbed.  She pulled herself together.  "But I want to find out what
happened to him.  Can I borrow Isaac to help me with my investigation?"

The Captain suppressed his sigh of relief.  "Of course, dear.  You can
borrow whomever you like.  Why don't you go ask him now?"  He patted
her on the shoulder as she clapped her hands and ran off to find the
bartender.  Captain Stuebing headed back to his party, contemplating
young blondes in polyester minis, totally oblivious to the piteous
cries from the upper deck.

"Sweetpea, where are you? Come to mommy, darling."  Mrs VandeValk had
discovered her precious Sweetpea was missing....

*****

(continued on Day 3)