FOREVER KNIGHT WAR II - THE LURKER FILES 

by Rastro and Maddog 
 
We're lurkers, we lurk in corners,  
we do our little thing in the background 
   
 
LURKER 1 

Lacroix approached yet another of his minions, the Cousins.  Then a
small noise interrupted his quest.  It was the pop, fizz, fizz of a
diet coke being opened.  He had heard the noise frequently since the
war started.  Determined to find out the cause, he approached the
source of the noise. It was a female dressed in jeans with a black
t-shirt proclaiming "Sandman" on it.

"Are you following me?"  LaCroix asked, his voice soft but filled with
menace.

"Me?"  Came the startled reply.  "No, uh, I'm just lurking about.
That's what I do."

"You lurk in the dark and follow me around?" 

"Yeah, well, not just you, everybody,"  the woman took another deep
draught of diet coke.  "Gives me something to do when I'm supposed to
be working."

"You will cease following me," LaCroix ordered.  The Knighties, the
Ravenettes, Die Hards and lapsed Cousins were giving him enough
problems without strange people staring at him.

"Nah, 'fraid I can't do that.  It's in the lurker's code, I have to
watch,"  finishing the diet coke with a humongous  gulp the woman
added, fading back into the darkness, then her voice echoed out, "I
like to watch." Deciding that he had better things to do, LaCroix flew
off to his next rendezvous.


LURKER 2

Maddog and Rastro popped out of the Lurker's Patented Tesseract and
into LaCroix's apartment.  They were on a mission of vital importance.

"Rastro, you remembered to bring IT, didn't you?"

"Oi, what do I look like?  Of course, I brought IT," the Australian
woman pulled something large and furry out of the bag she was
carrying.  "Do you think we should do this?  After all, we're Lurkers
and not supposed to get involved."

"Well, we're not actually interacting with anybody are we?  No, so
we're still sort of lurking.  Do you think IT would look good in the
refrigerator?"

"No, how about on the couch?"  Rastro placed IT on the couch and they
both stared at it for a while.  Both thinking more about what could be
done on LaCroix's couch than was healthy for either of their blood
pressures.  "Nah, how about the bedroom?"

The two Lurkers tiptoed into the bedroom.  Maddog carefully laid IT on
the black satin spread.  Stepping back, both women admired the scene.

The pink, fluffy, stuffed bunny with floppy ears sat atop one of
LaCroix's pillows.

"I'm fulfilled, what about you?"  Rastro asked.

"Yeah, should freak him out.  He'll probably think somebody involved in
the war did it." Maddog sighed, "Where do you wanna go lurk now?"

"I don't know.  Want to go grab some Godiva and think about it?"


 
LURKER 3 

Rastro and Maddog exited from the Tesserect. It had been a long day of
lurking for both of them but they had one more item on their non-list
of non-things that they could not do.   Dr. Natalie Lambert's apartment
was lit from the sunlight streaming in the windows.  There was no one
about except Sidney, who ignored them because they weren't food.

"I think she'll like the Mocha Raspberry Cheesecake," Maddog said as
she looked around the apartment, noting the cat hair laden
bookshelves.  Wondering if Natalie would notice a book or two missing.

"Probably, I mean, we ate an entire one by ourselves last Saturday and
it normally takes us two days to polish one off.  Do you think she'll
like the hat?"  Rastro held up a ten gallon white Stetson.  She'd
wanted to keep it herself but decided a black one would be more
fitting.

"Sure she will, it is the proper kind of hat to eat cheesecake by,"
Maddog grabbed the hat and put it on her head.  "Cheesecake, I've got
you in my sights.  Surrender now or be eaten!"

"Your calories or your life?"  Rastro suggested.

"These here jeans aren't big enough for the both of us, cheesecake."

"Stop me, Marshall, before I overeat again."

"I got it," Maddog grabbed the cheesecake and held an imaginary gun to
it. "Cheesecake, one more move and you're on my hips forever!"

The two Lurkers began giggling uncontrollably.  Then, one of those
events that often happens when the probability fields are never in your
favor occurred.  The cheesecake jiggled itself out of Maddog's hands
onto Natalie's carpet.

"Uh, oh,"  said Rastro.

"Uh, oh,"  said Maddog.

"Meow," said Sidney as he started helping himself to the mess of tasty
dairy product on the floor.

"What are we going to do?"  Maddog asked, carefully putting the Stetson
down on the table near the fallen cheesecake. "Won't the cat get sick
from eating all that?"

"Yeah, he'll probably barf all over everything,"  Rastro shook her head
judiciously, after all, didn't she have barf cats as well as fart
cats.

"Think we'd better go lurk elsewhere before he does," Maddog suggested
as Rastro activated the Tesserect and the two Lurkers found themselves
elsewhere.

 
LURKER 4 

After deciding you could be at two places at the same time as long it
wasn't the same place at the same time and you didn't eat lentil soup
for dinner, the Lurkers decided to check out the action at The Raven.
They noted the other fkficlisters hanging out at tables, plotting and
going deaf from the loud music and blind from thinking about their
proximity to their favorite obsessions.

"Can I have another Diet Coke and amaretto,"  Maddog instructed the
waitress, having to shout over the pounding music of The Raven.

"And I'll have another wine cooler,"  Rastro added. They'd been sitting
in The Raven watching various Ravenettes report in to their Boss.  It
was interesting and the War certainly seemed to be progressing well.

"Hey, Rastro, look at this!"  Maddog held up the play dough sculpture
she'd been working on for the last hour.  It was an Iron Maiden made
out of yellow playdough with blue playdough spikes.

"Not bad, how'd you get the spikes to stand out?"

"Heated them a little over the candle on the table. What you make?"

Rastro held up a white playdough coffin with a large red spike driven
through it.  "Wot you think?"

"Great, it not only represents the Vampiric fear of death but man's
inhumanity to trees,"  Maddog said as she accepted the drink from the
waitress and gulped it.  "You know the action seems to be moving
again.  Shall we join our fellow Lurkers over there somewhere?"

Rastro nodded and tossed back her wine cooler with an experienced
hand.  The two walked over to the bar and then left The Raven.

"Merde!" muttered Janette as a knock on the door distracted her.  She
looked up from her computer with a threatening scowl as Miklos came
in.

"I told you I was not to be disturbed," she hissed at him. "I'm in the
middle of a war!"  She had a really bad feeling that the rather private
note she'd just sent out had been posted to the whole list instead of
just one person. It was NOT something she wanted Nicholas to find
out...  "Oh well, what is it?"

Miklos smiled slightly.  She only ranted like that when she was
embarrassed or Nick was around.  "This just arrived for you," he said,
putting a package on her desk.  "I thought it might be important so I
brought it right in." Janette looked at it suspiciously.  The package
was done up in gilt paper and gold ribbon, and smelled faintly of
something. She pulled it closer.  It was  fairly heavy and she couldn't
quite identify the odor.  But at least it wasn't garlic.  In wartime it
paid to be careful.

"You open it."  She pushed it back to Miklos.  He shrugged and picked
it up.

"You might want to read this."  He tossed the card to her and proceeded
to tear the paper from the box.

'I thought you might find this useful', it read.  "Signed, Your Secret
Admirer," she finished aloud.  Puzzled, she looked at the box Miklos
was holding out to her.  She took it and stared in bewilderment.
"Dremel Tool?"  She tore the box open and ripped off the plastic.
Pieces flew everywhere.  "Ugh, it's all greasy.  What is it?" Miklos
was laughing. "It's called a 'power tool'. It has many different uses
and lots of attachments.  See?"  he handed her the catalogue.

She perused it slowly, her look of bemusement and annoyance fading as
she considered the possibilities..  "Why Nicholas," she purred softly,
a wicked smile on her face, "I didn't think you had <any>
imagination."   How did Nick know that she wanted to install vanity
molding, loosen sticking doors, face plywood shelves and build a
squirrel guard?  All could be done with this marvelous device.

"Maybe it's from LaCroix,"  Miklos suggested, a look of total innocence
on his face.

"Oh no!"  she dropped the Dremel tool in horror.  Suddenly those little
sandpaper discs took on a sinister aspect.  "Don't you have any idea
who it came from?"

"Well," said Miklos, "I did find this sitting on the bar..."

Janette stared at the empty Diet Coke can, her face once again a study
in total bewilderment.
 

LURKER 5 

"Steve Austin, Astronaut,"  Maddog intoned.

"A man barely alive,"  Rastro responded in a time honored ritual.

"We can rebuild him, make him better."

"Stronger, faster."

"Able to wear blue leisure suits and not throw up!"

"Nah, nah, nah, nahhhhhh," the two Lurkers chorused, running in slow
motion as they exited the handy Fourth Dimensional Tesserect.  They'd
noticed that Nick was busy arresting Janette and taking her in for
questioning.  Deciding that it was time to pay the hero of our story a
visit they folded space over to his place.  They looked around at the
surroundings in awe for a moment.

"It's a lot dustier than I thought it would be,"  Maddog finally
declared.

"Yeah, you'd think with all his Vampiric strength he'd be able to get
those dust bunnies out from underneath his table,"  Rastro agreed, "Of
course with all the Knighties in town one of them's bound to clean the
place up."

"So, where are we going to put it?"

"Right over here,"  Rastro took the electric wok from Maddog's hands,
flipped it over and put it on top of a lamp.  It made it look as if the
lamp was wearing a hat.  She pulled a "Yan Can Cook" book out of her
bag and laid it carefully on a coffee table.

"Good, uh Rastro, I've got an idea."

"Not another one, the multiverse can't take much more."

"I think you're going to like this one.  This is where Nick lives,
right?"

"Duh."

"So this would be where, like, he keeps his underwear, right?"

The Australian woman grinned in understanding; striking her best Bodie
pose, she hopped about and started running up the stairs.   Maddog
quickly followed.  It took a few minutes for them to find the correct
drawer.

"Oi, he folds his socks,"  Rastro commented, holding up a pair of
neatly folded black dress socks.  "Found 'em." She held up a pair of
men's underpants for Maddog to view.

"Very nice, very nice,"  pawing through the drawers for a moment, she
added, "Gee, he sure does have a lot of 'em doesn't he?"

"Well he obviously never throws any out,"  Rastro held up a pair with a
bullet hole running through them.  "Just like a guy."  She stared at a
pair of Batman underwear for a moment before shaking her head and
hiding them in the back of the drawer.

Maddog, easily bored even if it was Nick Knight's underwear drawer,
went over to the bed.  Climbing on to it, she began jumping up and down
on it.  "Toss me some of the black ones!"

Rastro did so and Maddog began tossing them around singing, "I'm
singing in a rain of Nick's underwear.  I'm singing in a rain of Nick's
underwear.  What a glorious feeling - "

Rastro, deciding that this looked like fun, brought some more underwear
up and began jumping too.  "I'm happy again,"  she chorused.

The two Lurkers began giggling uncontrollably and jumping higher.
Then, since the bolts attached to the beams supporting the bed did not
have adequate structural strength they sheared off, causing total
collapse of the bed onto the floor.

"You bloody fat cow,"  Rastro yelled,  "Now look what you've gone and
done."  The bed was totally demolished and Nick's underwear was
scattered everywhere.

"Me?  The bed was supporting me just fine until you got on!"

"Well, there's only one thing do to," the other woman sighed, "Let's go
find something to eat, there's got to be a Denny's open somewhere."

"Shouldn't we clean it up?"

"Nah, he probably won't notice,"  Rastro activated the tesserect and
the two Lurkers went off to find a bit of pie and ice cream.

 
LURKER 6  

"How are we gonna get to his desk?"  Maddog whispered as they peered
round a corner into the office.  The Lurker Tesseract had deposited to
two trouble-makers in an empty interrogation room in the station.

"I thought you had a plan," said Rastro.

"I thought it was your turn," said Maddog.

They regarded the problem.  Cops to the left of them, cops to the
right, and right in front the desk of Don Schanke, their current
target.  The man himself was seated behind it, munching a bagel and
complaining about paperwork.

"Hell," said Rastro, "Just tuck in your shirt and try to look
official.  And put that can down."

"Haven't finished it yet," protested Maddog as she  attempted to tuck
her thick black cotton shirt into her rather tatty jeans. "And that's a
stupid plan. Nobody could mistake us for anyone official."

"Then we need a distraction.  Think of something."

Maddog looked blank for a second, but was saved from having to put her
brain into gear as the fire alarm went off.

"Brilliant!" exclaimed Rastro as the squad room emptied in seconds.
"How'd you do that?"

Maddog shrugged.  "Probably another lurker."  They scurried over to
Schanke's desk and deposited their gifts, arranging them strategically
for maximum effect.

Ten minutes later the faint hum of the Tesseract went unnoticed as the
officers came noisily back into the room.

"Settle down," Cohen had to raise her voice to be heard. "Just a  false
alarm. Somebody trying to be funny."

"No, Captain," one of the younger officers said, "I think *that's*
someone trying to be funny." He pointed to Schanke's desk.

"The Complete ABBA Collection," proclaimed the gold letters on the
Special Edition boxed set. "Greatest Hits of the Seventies," all 17
volumes, were arranged in a delicately-balanced pyramid on upside-down
Dunkin' Donuts boxes.

"Hey, great!" exclaimed Schanke.  "This only just came out!  It's even
got the 'Muriel's Wedding' soundtrack in it.  And all on CD! Nick, we
can play it in the Caddy!"

Nick, pale as he was, went even paler.  "Nooooo," he wailed, wondering
which of LaCroix's minions had planned this.
 

LURKER 7 

The tesserect deposited it's occupants in the middle of Captain Cohen's
office.  They were getting confused by jumping timelines in and around
the War but figured, what the heck, rent a wreck.  The two Lurkers
glanced around and took stock of their surroundings. While sticking her
nose into one of the numerous drawers on the Captain's desk, Maddog
pulled out a mass of sticky papers.  "Gross, she's had this gum so long
its melted all over these receipts."

"What are they receipts for?"

"Hmm, they all seem to be for roastbeef sandwiches with extra horsey
sauce and chocolate shakes.  Could it be the Captain has a drinking
problem we don't know about?"

"Working around Nick and Schanke would drive me to chocolate," Rastro
replied, pulling a hat out of the bag she was carrying. It was a Bubba
Gump Shrimp hat and had several fly lures stuck through it.  "The hat
turned out well, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but still think it was gross jumping into that box full of dead
fish with it to make it smell authentic."

"Realism is very important, at least in fanfic,"  Rastro explained.
"You got the rest of the gifts?"

"Sure do," Maddog took out two heavy duty weed whackers from her
interdimensional mass compressing pocket. She began dancing with them.
"Do whacka do, whacka do do do," she sang.

Rastro put the hat on the Captain's seat, noticing in passing that a
fish head had been trapped in the brim and was now sliming its way
across the seat's fabric.  "Fish heads, fish heads,  ooey gooey fish
heads," she chanted taking one of the weed whackers from her Lurker
companion. "Whacka do, whacka fish head, whacka do!"

"Hey," Maddog cried out as she spotted the Captain's dress jacket.
Pulling it on, she pointed the weed whacker at Rastro and said,
"Badgers, we don't need no stinking badgers!"

Leaping on to the desk, Rastro responded, "Use the whacker, Luke!"

Jumping down from the desk, Rastro held her weedwhacker up at attention
in front of her.  Maddog copied the movement then bellowed, "Samurai
Weed Whackers!  Hai ya!"

"Lurker dog,"  Rastro spat out, "You have no honor and let out really
stinky farts after bean soup!  Hai ya!"

The two Lurkers started fencing with the weed whackers, engaging the
motors so that the fish line (and wasn't that an original use for that
product) was spinning madly about.  Unfortunately, the two lines
connected and wrapped themselves around each other. The weedwhackers
were wrenched out of the Lurkers hands and spun themselves around in
helicopter fashion until they hit the ceiling and then crashed onto
Captain Cohen's desk.

Maddog tiptoed around to take a look at the damage.  The files about
Stonetree's death were now partially shredded and Captain Cohen's
autographed picture of Greg Brady was totally ruined.  "You know,
Rastro, maybe we should stop making such big messes."

"Mess, what mess, I don't see anything do you?"

"Nah, hey, you wanna go over and sniff men's colognes until we find one
that'd smell good on LaCroix?"

"No, we did that last night.  Let's go over to the men's robe
department and see if we can find a nice soft one that'd look good on
Nick."

"Did that two nights ago.  I know, let's go over and look for a tie
that'd match all of Schanke's suits! We can find some other Lurkers to
help."

"We'll never find it,"  Rastro sighed as she activated the tesserect
and carried the Lurkers away from the demolished office.
 

LURKER 8 

The two Lurkers exited their handy, dandy, Roncomatic tesserect and
glanced around. They knew LaCroix was just leaving Nick and Schanke but
still, you can't be too sure. The War was perfect cover for their
activities.   Maddog went off for a minute while Rastro produced a tape
from her bag and popped it into the VCR.

"This'll drive him insane,"  Maddog smirked, flopping down on the
couch.

"Really, I'll fast forward to some good bit.  He'll be here any
minute."  Rastro hit the FF on the remote, let in run the required
number of seconds, then she stopped and sat down on the couch.  "I love
this bit."

"Am I to understand that my children have been roaming around Salzburg
dressed in these.."

"Play clothes, Captain,"  Maria responded, not flinching from Captain
Von Trapp's glare.  "Children can't do all of things they're supposed
to do if they're worried about spoiling their precious clothes."

"He's so manly," Rastro sighed, staring at the screen.

"And he yells so well,"  Maddog drooled, as she produced a bag of M&Ms
from her pocket.  The two Lurkers dug into the bag and stared entranced
at their favorite movie, The Sound of Music.

LaCroix was not in a good mood.  In general he liked wars, lots of
things to do, people to kill.  But things could be going better.  He
was so lost in thought that he was about to open the front door before
he heard the strange noises emanating from his home.

"Edelweiss, edelweiss," the singing came floating out.  Steeling
himself, LaCroix threw open the door and rushed in to confront the
intruders.  He had a hand clamped on each of their shoulders before
they could even react.

Maddog, who had been in the process of handing Rastro the bag of M&Ms
when she was grabbed, slowly turned her head to see who their captor
was.  Staring slack-jawed at LaCroix, she offered the M&Ms to him.

Rastro merely tried to shrug the hand off and rewind to listen to
Captain Von Trapp singing again.

"What," LaCroix asked very slowly, "Are you doing in my home?"

"Uh, watching a movie,"  Maddog explained, trying to elbow Rastro into
helping out with the rapidly deteriorating situation.

The vampire tightened his grip on her shoulder; he recognized her from
the alleyway. It was a Lurker.  "And why did you break into my house to
watch a movie?"

"Ummm, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time and we thought
you'd like the movie, I mean Julie And rews and all, not to mention the
gorgeous scenery and Captain Von Trapp, well, what can be said, also
there's a really great puppet show in it and, you might like it if you
watch it and we were going to be gone but then Ned went into a SOM
trance and then there was some sugar and then -"  "Stop babbling,"
LaCroix ordered, irritated that the other Lurker was still ignoring
him.  "Can you give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill both of you
now?"

"Uh, hmm, well, let's see, uh, we're Lurkers, we just hang out and
watch things.  We could, uh, like tell you what other factions are
doing."

"No we couldn't,"  Rastro interjected, busy FFing the machine.  "It's
against the Lurker's code."  She hit play and increased the volume on
the set.  "Soon the duet will become a trio, yodelhe, yodelheho,"
blared out across the room.  LaCroix loosed his grip on their shoulders
in order to protect his ears.  Rastro thumbed the tesserect and grabbed
Maddog.  The two Lurkers found themselves elsewhen and where.

"Jeez, that was close,"  Maddog whimpered.

"Too close, we should know better than to start watching that movie.
You did manage to plant it?"

"Sure, as soon as he goes into his bedroom he'll be squirted with a
gallon of Hai Karate cologne."

"Good, scare us will he."

***** LaCroix stared in disbelief as the Lurkers disappeared from his
grasp.  He shrugged and picked up the remote, turning the volume down
and rewinding it to his favorite scene.  Strains of "I might have had a
wicked childhood" emanated from the TV as the master vampire settled
back to sing along with the film.  Though how the Lurkers had known he
was a devotee of Julie Andrews and had once played the role of Captain
Von Trapp in a stage production was puzzling.  He didn't think anyone
knew that!

/Hmmm, I guess the next time I see those Lurkers, I'll have to thank
them for their present/ he thought as he headed for his bedroom to get
another pillow.   And stood there in the doorway, dripping Hai Karate
all over the carpet.  /Well, maybe not.../


LURKER 9 

Maddog opened the Twizzler package and started gnawing on one.  "Munch,
munch,"  they were slightly stale so perfect for chewing on for a long
premiere.

Rastro reached over and grabbed one and started munching.  They munched
for several minutes, their chewing getting ever louder for after all,
Twizzlers is plastic.  The viewer in front of them turned around and
glared at them.  It was LaCroix.  The Lurkers hadn't paid any attention
to who they were sitting behind, though they'd noticed people trying to
slink away from whoever it was.

"Cease that annoying noise,"  LaCroix whispered menacingly.  Then he
noticed who was sitting behind him.  "Are you still following me,
Lurkers?"  Threat coated his voice like nonpareils on a hot stick.  He
still smelled slightly of Hai Karate.

"Uh, no, I'm following her,"  Maddog pointed to Rastro.

"And I'm following her,"  Rastro pointed to Maddog.

"Therefore, neither of us are following you, we're just sort of
existing around you.  Wanna Twizzler?"

"Be quiet and go back to lurking silently,"  LaCroix snatched the bag
of Twizzlers before either of the Lurkers could even react.

"Wanna Juju Bee?"  Maddog asked, offering some sickly sweet confection
to Rastro.  Who took the candy and started gnawing on it.  "Munch,
Munch."

"Munch, sluch, crap,"  Rastro slurred.  The black Juju Bee had stuck to
a molar.  After trying to dislodge it with her tongue for a while she
resorted to the old finger in the mouth method. A particularly hard dig
loosened it from the tooth and sent it flying from her mouth into the
hair of the person in front of her.

Maddog saw the event in slow motion.  The wet Juju Bee taking flight
from her fellow Lurker's mouth, a spit trail following it.  Lit in the
glow of the screening it made a perfect arc right into the back of
LaCroix's head.  She grabbed the Tesserect and was just about to get
them out of there when she decided seeing the look on LaCroix's face
might be worth dying for.

LaCroix slowly, ever so slowly, turned around in his seat.  Eyes
glowing golden he glared at the two women who both managed a sickly
sort of smile as they waved.

"Sorry 'bout that,"  Rastro apologized.

Deciding that killing them in the middle of a crowded auditorium was
probably a bad idea, LaCroix came up with another one.  "You Lurkers
can follow anybody around, correct?"

"Yeah, sure, its in our by-laws."

Leaning forward the vampire whispered, "If you want to continue your
pathetic mortal existence, I want you to go find Nicholas and annoy him
as much as you've been annoying me.  Understood?"

Nodding furiously, the two women thumbed the Tesserect and escaped with
their lives.



LURKER 10 
 
Interview with the Vampire 

"Oi, Maddog, where'd you get all this stuff,"  Rastro gestured to the
television cameras and audio equipment strewn around the Lurker's
Fortess of Solitude.

"Uh, I acquired it, don't ask, don't tell.  Thought your idea of
interviewing all the FK people was an idea whose time had come."

"And come again,"  Rastro responded.  "So we're going to pretend to be
Entertainment4Night and interview everybody as they go in to the
premiere?"

"Ooow, we get to be obnoxious press people!"

"Nobody will notice the difference in your case.  Who are we going to
do first?"

"Uh, don't you think we should plan out what we're going to ask first?"

"Nah, that's for poofs, let's go ask LaCroix some questions!"  she
shouted as she activated the Tesserect.  They found themselves outside
the Forever Knight season 3 premiere, where various fans were strolling
around before they went inside to watch themselves in the episode.
Putting on their Entertainment4Night hats they lugged the camera over
to LaCroix. After a quick coin toss, which Rastro lost, Maddog shoved
the camera in his face.

"Mr. LaCroix,  I'm Rastro from Entertainment4Night, I'd like to ask you
a few questions."

LaCroix stared at the two annoying Lurkers.  He considered refusing but
the lure of television fame was too much even for him. He gave a short
nod and prepared himself to answer stupid questions."If you were
trapped on a desert island with the three original Charlie's Angels,
which one would you kill first?"

"That's easy, the one with the hair, Chris."

"If your sister was a kangaroo would you let Nick date her?"

"No, because Nick would be a wombat"

Rastro was impressed - this guy was quick.

"Ginger or MaryAnn?"

LaCroix thought about who he'd rather dine on, then raised an eyebrow
and licked his lips.  "Gilligan."

"Mr LaCroix, do you prefer boxers or briefs?"

"Neither.  I always wear leather. G-strings."

"Blondes or brunettes?"

"Right now I have one of each, but I'm looking for a redhead." He
leered at Rastro who took a hasty step back and shoved the microphone
at Maddog. Who decided it was time to go and interview somebody else.

 
LURKER 11 

"Ooo viewers, look who we just spied..." Maddog's eyes lit up.

"My turn!"  Rastro grabbed the mike from the drooling Madpuppy.  Who
whined in typical form, "No fair!  You got LaCroix!"

"Oh alright,"  said the Australian, relinquishing the mike and taking
the camera.  She never could stand Maddog's whining. She zoomed in on
their next victim.

"Detective Knight, I'm Maddog from Entertainment4Night.  Would you mind
answering a few questions?"

Nick looked askance at the rather odd-looking woman who'd just been
speaking to Natalie and her equally strange sidekick who didn't seem to
know how to work the camera.  She was <not> pointing it at his face.

Maddog hit Rastro who hastily refocussed.  Nick considered refusing but
he'd seen the pair earlier interviewing LaCroix, and he wondered what
the vampire had told them.

"Uh, sure."

"Mr. Knight, are you now or have you ever worn leiderhosen and if so,
did you like it?"

What <had> LaCroix told them?  "Um no, I can't say that I have. They're
really not my style."  He realized this sounded a bit condescending and
hastily added, "Though I'm sure they'd be very comfortable and I
definitely respect men who choose to wear them.."  LaCroix in
particular, who had a strange fondness for the odd garments. Nick
started going red as he realized Natalie was staring at him.

"If you were a tub of Ben and Jerry's, what flavor would you be?"

"Chocolate chip cookie dough."  Nat's favorite.

"One final question, Detective Knight, if you were a woman would you
wear a one piece or a two piece bathing suit?"  Maddog leaned forward
to hear the answer.  It said so much about a man's character.

"A two piece thong, black,"  Nick replied, smiling into the camera.  He
knew that was the safest answer to give.

"Uh, interesting, let's move on Rastro,"  The two Lurkers moved into
the crowd.  "We need to go find some chocolate.  I'm feeling...."

"Unfulfilled?"

"Yeah, that's it, unfulfilled."


LURKER 12 
 
(Ooops, this was meant 2 go b4 the Nick one (Lurker 11) but the
timestream  warped back on itself and confused poor small Lurker minds)

The Lurkers lugged the camera over to Nat, managing to smack it around
quite a bit since neither of them had been eating their wheaties.
Maddog took the microphone and shoved it at the coroner who managed to
look very calm about the intrusion.

"Maddog here for Entertainment4Night.  We're interviewing Dr. Natalie
Lambert, coroner and designated intelligent presence.  Dr. Lambert,
mind if we ask you a few questions?"

"Go ahead," Natalie smiled at the camera.

"If you were going to be stranded on a desert island for a year would
you take a man or a truck filled with chocolate?"

"Godiva?"

"Any kind you want."

"The chocolate."

"Dr. Lambert, Starsky or Hutch?"

"Hutch, of course."

"Did you ever want to kill Tweety bird, have him stuffed and set above
your fire place?"  asked Maddog, Rastro zooming in for a close up.

 "Doesn't everyone?"

"And our last question, before we move on to another victim, Natalie,
when you fart at night, do you lift the covers to let the smell out?"

Dr. Lambert considered the question carefully then noticed that
Detective Knight, possible future mate was staring at her.  "I never
fart under the covers.  Nope, nope, not me."

"Yeah, right,"  Maddog shook her head, "So much for truth in reporting.
Detective Knight, do  - "

 "Oi, I get to interview Nick!"  Rastro objected, smacking her fellow
 Lurker in the head with the camera.


LURKER 13

"We're here at the Forever Knight premiere.  The excitement just
crackles in the air.  Ooops, sorry, that's just Rastro eating some
Cheetos.  Let's interview one of the attendees," Maddog shoved the
microphone in a passing woman's face and Rastro pointed the camera at
her.  "Hi there, we're from Entertainment4Night, and we'd like to get
the opinion of some of the attendees tonight.  Mind answering a few
questions?"

"Only if you hand me some of those Cheetos."

Maddog handed her the bag, "And what's your name?"

"Dianne la Mercenaire, Instigator and War Recruiter Extraordinaire!"

"An instigator, I see, well Ms. Mercenaire, if you could be the shape
of any breakfast cereal, what would you be?"

"A rice chex."

"Red or green M&M's?"

"Oh green, definitely!  You know what they say about green M&Ms...."
the woman responded with a knowing smirk.

"Since you are an instigator would you instigate Bobby and Cindy Brady
leaving the Bunch and forming their own grunge rock band in Seattle
called Generation Brady?"

"Only if it would kill the show for good...and I didn't have to listen
to them."

"If you committed some horrendous crime and were on the lam and had to
pick a new name to disguise your true identity, what would it be?"

"Dianne la Mercenaire."

Maddog gulped.  "Paper or plastic?"

Dianne smiled wickedly, "I'll never tell."

"And finally, Ms. Mercenaire, if you could throw a pie in Mr. LaCroix's
face, what flavor would it be?"

"Uh, that's Ms. la Mercenaire to you.  And the answer is rhubarb. I
just like saying "rhubarb."  I try to do it as often as possible."

"And there you have it folks, how the ordinary person on the street
thinks."  Maddog smiled and turned off the microphone.  The woman she'd
been interviewing waved and disappeared into the crowd.

"Oi, she took my cheetos!"  Rastro yelled.

 
LURKER 14 
 
At the karaoke bar..

"Rastro, you want another drink?"  Maddog asked her companion in
lurking.  They'd both gotten dressed in their best black jeans, black
Red Dwarf t-shirts and hats to go out to the bar.

"Sure,"  Rastro nodded, watching as her friend headed towards the bar.
Nothing better than a few hours off the hardwork of lurking about doing
nothing than a few good drinks.  The crowd in the karaoke bar was
starting to get larger as various people from the fkficlist showed up.
The Siamese cat song had been well received by the crowd.  Probably a
lot of cat owners, she thought, thinking of her own herd, fart cat,
barf cat, ornery cat and bendy kitty.

Maddog returned to the table with the drinks, she'd got them two
instead of just one.  "Thought we might get thirsty before we got the
energy up to get some more."

"You're going to get sloshed?"

"We're going to need to be drunk if we're going to get up and sing."

"Sing?  Oi, are you mad or something?"

"Everybody else is doing it, besides, I brought these,"  Maddog reached
into her fourth dimensional pocket and produced two very large
feathered hats and feathered boas.

Rastro shook her head in disbelief, "You're not suggesting we sing..."

"Sure, why not, finish your drinks and let's do it!!"

The two lurkers finished their drinks in two gulps and took the stage.
They took out their handy dandy total sound nullifying ear plugs and
put them in.

Rastro started "There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the
hall and the bells in the steeple too," Maddog adding the "Cuckoo"
sound effects as the song continued.

People were slamming drinks but it didn't help drown out the dreadful
noise. As the two launched into the main chorus "So long, farewell, auf
weidersehn, good night, adieu, adieu, to you and you and you", totally
butchering the high notes, mixed nuts and pretzels started pelting the
stage.  It was lucky for the lurkers the bar did not provide rotten
tomatoes and mouldy fruit as snack foods. As it was, the Lurkers
thought the nuts were a form of applause, and happily snacked between
verses.

The owner of the karaoke looked on in horror.  His patrons were all
turning bright green.  Visions of horrible stomach and intestinal blows
filled his mind.  He hadn't heard signing that bad since, well, he'd
never heard anything that bad. Taking out a large baseball bat he waved
it threateningly at the Lurkers until Maddog noticed it.

"Rastro, I think he wants you to stop singing!"

"Me, at least I can carry a tune, I've heard dying moose stay on key
better than you can!"

"Hey, that's not fair, this just isn't my song!"

"The call of the wounded wombat is not considered a melody!"

"I'll do my party piece, that'll be better,"  Maddog yelled over the
retching of the crowd.  She inhaled deeply and started to sing,

"Marshall, Will and Holly, on a routine expedition, met the greatest
earthquake every known.  High on the rapids, it shook their tiny craft
and plunged them down a thousand feet below, to the la-and of the lost,
lost, lost, lost, to the la-and of the lost."

Maddog took a bow just before the baseball whooshed over her head.
Rastro sighed deeply and activated the tesserect.  Banned from another
bar, the shame of it.


LURKER 15 

"Hey, Rastro, there she is, boy, does that woman know how to dress or
what,"  Maddog stared at Janette as she stepped out of a black limo.
Janette was in a very daring black lace dress.  The Lurker envied her
dress sense, she herself was lucky if her socks matched.

"Yeah, and its my turn to interview.  You carry the camera,"  the woman
dumped the camera on Maddog and strolled over to the vampire.

"Excuse me, I'm Rastro for Entertainment4Knight, I'd like to ask you a
few questions if you don't mind."

Janette looked the two Lurkers up and down quickly.  "Only if I can ask
you one first?"

"Sure."

"Does your mother know you dress like that?"  Janette wondered who in
their right minds would walk around with baseball caps that had their
bills flipped up.

Rastro considered for the question for a moment, "No."

"I thought not, you may ask your questions now."

"Janette, Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood?"

"It doesn't matter as long as it's silk."

"Matching underwear and bra?"

"Always."

"Shaken or stirred?"

"Shaken, of course.  What a ridiculous question."

"When you swab tonsils with Nick, can you tell that he drinks cow?"

"No comment,"  Janette shook her head.

"And finally,  if you were jumping about on Nick's bed, throwing his
underwear around, what would you sing?"

Janette glared at the Lurkers through narrowed eyes. Throwing Nick's
underwear about was secret fantasy of hers, but not one she would ever
admit too unless very, very drunk. "My Favorite Things.." she
enunciated slowly, "but I'd change the words."  She swished off into
the crowd, wondering who had blabbed.

"Well there you have it, folks.  What female vampires think. This is
Rastro with Entertainment4Knight."
 

LURKER 16 

"This is Maddog and Rastro with Entertainment4night and we're here in
the trash...lovely apartment of LJC.  She's not attending the Forever
Knight premiere but since travel through the tesserect is free we
decided to visit her.  Good to see you, LJC."

"And good to see you Lurkers, though its hard to when you keep standing
in the shadows."

Rastro panned the camera around the apartment wondering what tapes they
should try and steal.  "We'd just like to ask you a few questions."

"Go ahead,"  LJC agreed, taking a long draw on her cigarette.

"When you blow your nose in a kleenex, do you look at it afterwards?"
Maddog asked as Rastro did an extreme close up of LJC's nose hair.

"Yes."

"If you were a man would you wear boxers or briefs?"

"Boxers, I like freedom of movement."

"How much wood could a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck could chuck
wood?"

"I suppose that depends.  Are we talking toothpicks here, or redwoods?
Gourmet wood, or just anything that comes along?"

"Uh, never mind,"  Maddog mumbled,  "When you eat a chocolate bunny,
which part do you bite off first?"

"The ears, then the head, then maybe a foot.  But the head is
definitely the place to start,"  LJC informed the Lurkers.

"If you has a chocolate LaCroix, which part would you bite off first?"

"Oh dear... I'd be tempted to see if I could just swallow him whole I
think, for fear that if I bit off his head three more would grow.  Or
is that seven?"

"Can't say for sure, one last question.  So, LJC, have you ever been in
a men's bathroom and if so, why were you there?"

"Well, Kelly left her camera with Kate and Morn, who had to drive Kip
to the airport, and foolishly left the camera with me, Colleen, and
some chick named Laurie...  Actually, I never went in, I only held my
hat over the sign on the door so no one would disturb Laurie while she
photographed urinals."

"I'm sure it was an educational experience,"  Maddog stated as she
closed the interview.  Rastro panned around the apartment one more
time, gently nudging some tapes into the multidimensional bag she was
carrying, then settled the camera on Maddog who concluded their
interview.

"And there you have it folks, the world according to LJC. This is
Maddog and Rastro for Entertainment4night."



LURKER 17 

"Good Evening, this is Rastro of Entertainment4Night. We're here at the
Forever Knight premiere interviewing people.  You can smell the
excitement in the air!"

"That's not excitement, you twit, that's cabbage farts!"  Maddog
informed her fellow Lurker.  She shifted the camera on her shoulder.
It was getting heavy.  "Can I do the next interview?"

 "Oh, all right,"  Rastro traded her equipment for Maddog's.

"Hey, there's a new victim!" Maddog exclaimed as she bounced over to
the man walking into the theater. "Detective Schanke, Detective
Schanke, we'd like to interview you."

"Of course,"  Don Schanke mugged for the camera, then his nose
wrinkled, "Who's been eating cabbage?"

"Rastro," Maddog informed him.

"Hey, you had some too!"  Rastro protested.

"Never mind that. Detective Schanke, how many licks does it take to get
to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie roll pop?"

"Three,"  Schanke remembered his commercials well.

"How do you eat an oreo cookie?"

"I twist the two cookie parts in opposite directions leaving only one
with the creme filling still on it. I then lick the creme filling off
with my tongue until its totally gone.  Then I put the two cookie parts
back together and dip it in milk, then I eat them."

"Hmmm,"  Maddog contemplated the answer for a moment. "What do you do
if the creme filling doesn't stay just on one cookie?"

"I put the whole thing back together and gulp it down in one bite.  No
use wasting milk on an oreo that's not aesthetically pleasing,"
Schanke explained.

"Would you say that food is important to you?"  Maddog asked as Rastro
zoomed the camera in to Schanke's expanding gut.

"Can you think of anything more important?"  Schanke looked pointedly
at the chocolate icecream stains on Maddog's shirt.

"Uh, not really.  King Dongs or Ho-Hos?"

"Ho-Hos."

"Have you ever clipped your toe nails with your teeth?" 

"Only when nobody's looking." 

"What's your favorite ABBA song?" 

"Mamma Mia." 

"One last question. If your partner, Detective Knight was a pie, what
flavor would he be?"

"Oh, he wouldn't be a dessert pie, he'd be a blood pie. You know, one
of those black pudding things."  He leaned closer to Maddog and
whispered conspiratorially, "You know, he's really a <vampire>.  He
thinks I don't know. But why else would I eat all that garlic?"

Maddog coughed and spluttered as the garlic breath washed over her.  "I
thought you just liked souvlaki."

"I do.  But now I have an excuse - Myra can't complain if I'm
protecting myself from the Evil Undead."  He winked as the Lurkers and
headed for the hot dog stand, humming "Mamma Mia".

Maddog turned to Rastro.  "He's a lot smarter than Nick." Her fellow
Lurker nodded and refocussed the camera.

"Well, there you go folks,"  Maddog finished. "Those who serve and
protect are looking out for you tonight."

"Are we done now?" whined Rastro as she set the camera on the ground.
"I'm hungry."

"Nearly.  There's someone important we haven't spoken to yet.  And we
can raid the fridge at the same time."  Maddog said as she thumbed the
tes



LURKER 18 

"Whrfff-worf,"  the tesserect made a blorping noise as it deposited the
two Lurkers in Dr. Natalie Lambert's apartment.  The smell of freshly
steam cleaned carpet assaulted their nostrils.

"Hey, why's the tesserect making funny noises?" Maddog asked.

"Beats me," Rastro shrugged her shoulders, "Hey Sidney," she said,
zooming in on the cat, "do you have anything to say for our viewers?"

Sidney had padded into the room when he'd heard the tesserect. He
remembered the Lurkers well from their last visit.  The smell and taste
of the cheesecake was burned into his brain.  The fact that he'd done
the technicolor yawn afterward had not registered however. "Meow!
Now!"  he told his visitors.

"Sure Sidney,"  Maddog responded, knowing that the cat wanted food
because that's what cats and fans always wanted. She opened the
refrigerator to look for some cat food.  "Hey Rastro, guess what I
found?"

"Mould?"

"No, wine coolers!"  Maddog pulled three four packs of wine coolers out
of the refrigerator.  "Berry!"

"Meow! Now!" Sidney insisted.

"Uh, sorry Sid, I can't find any cat food,"  the Lurker opened the
freezer and peered inside it.  "Hot damn! We've hit the mother load!"
She pulled out two pints of ice cream, one Bailey's Irish Creme, the
other Amaretto.  Foraging even further back she found a small
cheesecake.  She unwrapped the cheesecake and handed it to the cat.
"Here you go, enjoy!"

"Meow! Wow!" Sidney acknowledged as his pink tongue darted out and
began to nibble the cheesecake.

Rastro had already popped open a wine cooler and was chugging down its
contents.  She burped, "Bwap!"

"Pig!"

"You should talk,"  Rastro pulled a face. Maddog was already scooping
out Bailey's ice cream and shoving it in her mouth.

"Hey, Rastro, I've got an idea!" 

"That would imply you've got a brain, and that can't be right."

"Ha, ha, very funny, toss me a cooler,"  Maddog took the berry wine
cooler and emptied it into a very tall mug, she then began scooping
Bailey's Irish Creme ice cream into it.  "See, it's a float."

"It looks disgusting!"

The Lurker took a tentative sip and then a larger one.  "Ahhhh."

"Oi, let me try,"  Rastro took the float and began to drink it.
"That's really good."

The next hour was spent consuming the wine coolers and ice cream.
Sidney was now laying beside the cheesecake and taking a nap.

"How many vampires does it take to change a light bulb?"  Maddog
asked.

"I dunno, how many?"

"None, vampires can see in the dark!"

The two Lurkers began to giggle madly.  "I got one," Rastro said, "What
do you call two vampires sunbathing?"

"I dunno, what?"

"Toast!"

 "Heh, heh, heh, burp..."  Rastro looked around drunkenly at the
 apartment.  "You know, that cat's gonna be sick again."

"Yeah, but look how happy he is right now!  Isn't it our job to make
cats happy?"

"Sure, guess so, but what can we leave Nat.  Should do something since
we've drank all her wine coolers."

"Hmmm, I've got it,"  Maddog reached inside her extradimensional pocket
and began pulling out posters.  Rastro picked up one and nodded.  They
began stapling them to every surface in the apartment.  Ten minutes
later they finished taping the last one over the toilet.  "There, floor
to ceiling Brad Pitt, what more can a woman want?"

"Heick, heick,"  went Sidney.

"Uh, oh," went the Lurkers.  Sidney had started eating more cheesecake
and found himself more than slightly sick.

"Think we'd better go," Rastro said, giggling.  "We should go visit
Nicky."

"Oh, Nicky, you're so fine, you eat my vines!"  Maddog sang insanely.

"I don't want to work, I just want to bang on the Duncan all day,"
Rastro countered.

"Wrong universe!"

"Let's go,"  Rastro thumbed the tesserect and the two Lurkers were
elsewhere.


LURKER 19 

"I wanna be a Jeffy ranger, I wanna lead a life of danger," Rastro and
Maddog chanted.  They both dreamed of being one of Cmdr. Jeffrey
Sinclair's rangers on Babylon 5.  Where they got to wear cool costumes
and listen to Jeffy yell. Sigh....

"Rastro, are you sure this paint will come off?"  Maddog asked, moving
the spray gun erratically back and forth.  She was still feeling the
effects of the wine coolers and the alcoholic icecream floats.

"Sure, they use it all the time for prototype cars," Rastro explained.
"It's such a lovely shade of pink."

"Putrid is the term I'd use.  Though I must admit Nick's caddy looks
much better this way."  The two Lurkers then launched into a drunken
rendition of "Pink Cadillac, crushed velvet seats, nah nah nah nah."

"Oops,"  Rastro yelped as pink paint splashed on one of the Caddy's
windows. She was finding it hard to stay within the lines. Taking a
pair of black men's underpants from her rear pocket she began to wipe
it off.

"Hey!" a loud male voice came out of the darkness towards them.

"Uh-oh, chongo,"  The Lurkers gulped.  Detective Nick Knight appeared
nearly instantaneously in front of them.

"What," he asked, voice menacing, "are you doing to my car?"

"Mmmm, would you believe that we're giving it a make over?" Maddog
attempted an excuse, which sounded lame even to her ears.  She blinked
fuzzily at him, wondering whose brilliant idea this latest escapade
was.  

"I think not.  Who are you?" Nick demanded, "Some crazed Cousins or
Ravenettes out for a little fun at the "Brick's" expense?  The war is
over, or hadn't you heard?"

"Uh, well,"  Rastro tried to think of an explanation through the
alcoholic fog in her head.  Fortunately they were saved by a low
laugh.

"I see that they finally got you, Nicholas,"  LaCroix said, stepping
forward.

"Are these two your responsibility, LaCroix?"

"Mine?  Oh, no, no, actually I came to... talk to them about their
behavior during this war.  Certain of their actions distressed me."  He
involuntarily rubbed the area of his head where the hair had been cut
to free it from a piece of Juju Bee.

The two Lurkers looked at each other wide eyed, the words "I'm gonna
die, I'm gonna die, Momma make it go away,"  kept echoing in the vast
hollow spaces of their brains.

"So who do they work for?"  Nick asked.

"Nobody, they call themselves Lurkers, isn't that right?" LaCroix
purred.

"Uh, yeah, we're lurkers, we lurk in corners, we do our little thing in
the bathroom,"  Maddog blurted out.  Rastro poked her in the ribs.

"You silly git, that's background, we do our little thing in the
background!"

"Ooops,"  Maddog said, desperately trying to still her heart rate.
Having Nick and LaCroix both glaring at her was doing bad things to her
blood pressure, not to mention underwear. It was also sobering her up,
which was very depressing.

"Your car looks much better in this color," LaCroix purred. Nick's
Cadillac was nearly entirely pink. He fixed the two Lurkers with his
light eyes and considered them carefully.  He had no idea of the extent
of their powers.  They appeared to be total idiots but they did have
the ability to teleport.  Perhaps he shouldn't destroy them until he
knew more about them.  Of course, they did like the Sound of Music so
that was a point in their favor.  Nodding his head slightly while he
smiled at the two women, he pronounced his judgement.  "I'll let you
both live for now, so don't give me any reason to regret this
decision."

The tall vampire flew off into the night while Rastro and Maddog
managed to steady their breathing.  Their joy was short lived when they
realized that Knight was still glaring at them.

"Wot?"  Rastro asked.

 "I do not like my car in pink,"  Nick allowed his eyes to start
 glowing.  He'd decided to frighten them into leaving him alone. His
 voice roughened with power.

"Oooooh," sighed Maddog.

"Aaahhhh," sighed Rastro.

"Blork,"  the two Lurkers said, belching in unison.  Their levity only
angered Nick more.

"This behavior is unacceptable.  The War is over!  I want you to get
that paint off my car, NOW!"

Nick's stern voice was making Rastro sweat so she pulled the underwear
out of her back pocket to wipe her brow.  She noticed that Nick was
staring at her, eyes glowing even brighter.  They were fixed on the
cloth she was using.  She gently unfolded it and realized that it was
the pair of boxer shorts she'd borrowed from his underwear drawer, the
pair with the bananas all over them.  She smiled at the vampire.

"Those... are... my... underwear!"  Nick yelled. "You, you are the
maniacs that destroyed my bed and left my underwear scattered
everywhere!  I blamed that on the NatPackers!"

"Uh, its not my fault,"  Maddog managed to blurt out.  "Nice underwear
though, present from Janette?"

The truth about the origin of the underwear being spoken aloud
displeased Nick even further. In an eyeblink he had both Lurkers by
their collars and was glowering down upon them.

Both Lurkers needed a change of underwear very badly.

"Are you also the ones that gave Janette that Dremel tool that she
keeps trying to build a squirrel guard with and made poor Sidney
sick?"  There was no response from the two women so he shook them
slightly. If they had had any brains they would have been rattling.
"Well?"

"Uh, hello Dr. Lambert, fancy seeing you here,"  Rastro managed to
squeak out.  Nick turned to speak to Natalie but it was a trick. Dr.
Lambert was not there but his concentration was broken long enough for
the Lurkers to slip out of their big Red Dwarf t-shirts (they had
turtlenecks on underneath for warmth).

The Lurkers took off running down an ally while Rastro fumbled around
for the tesserect.  It transported them instantly to another alley. A
loud clanging bounced off the brick walls.

"What the hell??"  Maddog wheezed.  A sword nearly took off her head.
There were two large men, one very cute with a nice tight butt encased
in jeans, fighting with swords.

"Time to go,"  Rastro activated the tesserect again before Maddog could
protest.  This time the Lurkers found themselves in a darkened tunnel.

"We've got you this time,"  a low, lisping voice hissed.  The two were
surrounded by people all glaring at them menacingly.  One of them
snatched the tesserect away from Rastro.

"Who are you?" Maddog asked.

"We're the Lurkers, the real Lurkers!"  the man responded.

"Wot?"

Some of the real Lurkers pointed nasty looking weapons at the pair.
"We're the Lurkers that hold the copyright for the name! This is the
bowels of Babylon 5 and you've been found guilty of copyright
infringement!"

"Out of the frying pan, into the fire,"  Maddog sighed.  They were in
for it now.  All their activities of the last few weeks had attracted
attention.  Attention was never a friend to the Lurker. The situation
didn't look good.  She stuck her hand in her pocket, careful not to
make too much noise.  She located the goods.

"The penalty for copyright infringement is death!"

"Death, death!" the crowd of true Lurkers chanted.

Maddog handed the Taco Bell bean burrito to Rastro very slowly. The
frenzied crowd didn't notice the Australian woman taking a bite.  Then
it happened, the ultimate weapon, Rastro farted. At the same time, the
combined effects of alcohol, dairy products and too much excitement
caught up with Maddog, and she let loose a massive blast.

"Aghghghgh," the screams of the true Lurkers was horrible to hear.

Maddog grabbed the tesserect and she and Rastro folded space to
someplace else.  They were in a large field. For a moment she believed
them safe until she saw a large group of black garbed Ninjas charging
at them.  She thumbed the tesserect which made a loud burping sound and
gurgled at them.

"Oh, boy!"  they stared at it in disbelief, oblivious to the large blue
police box that had just materialized beside them.

A hand reached out and grabbed the tesserect.  "That's mine, I
believe."

"But it doesn't work anymore!"

"You farted in it, didn't you?"  The Lurkers nodded guiltily.  "That
fatigued the structure of the tesserect.  I'm going to have to make a
new one now.  Damn!"  The door of the box slammed shut and it wheezed
out of existence.

"So what are we going to do now?" Maddog whimpered as she stared at the
encroaching horde.

"Uh..."

"Thumpa-thumpa," the air around the Lurkers started to vibrate and the
pounding sound of an approaching helicopter caught their attention.

"Ach, lassies,"  a Scottish voice called out to them. "Come on then!"

"I don't believe it,"  Maddog said in awe.

"It's Cowley come to rescue us, just like we were Bodie and Doyle!"
Rastro responded in a hushed tone. "Why, its Cow Ex Machina!"

The two Lurkers ran towards the helicopter and managed to grab onto the
legs of it just before the black garbed ninjas caught up to them.  The
dangled in space, giggling and burping as the helicopter pulled them up
and away....

THE END