Disclaimer 1:  The below story is not only not my fault but can be directly
attributed to low levels of caffeine in my blood stream.

Disclaimer 2:  The story below contains some semi-strong language lifted
from a Beevis and Butthead cartoon. If you find such things offensive, please
stop here.

Disclaimer 3:  The quotes from Beevis and Butthead are not exact.

But They're Dogs
by Maddog


        Nick walked slowly into the Coroner's office.  It had been a very hectic
few days.  The weather in Toronto had been unseasonably hot and the
increased temperature had shortened tempers considerably.  The murder rate
had taken a jump and he'd been working extra hard.  The short summer nights
made it especially hard since, even with Natalie's constant attempts to
render him mortal, he tended to do an imitation of a burnt marshmallow  in
the sun.  He knew that Natalie Lambert had been working over time for days.
He'd called her and suggested that since both of them had the night off that
they spend the day watching videos and resting up.  She'd agreed happily and
informed him that if things got any crazier around the office that she was
going to start removing body parts and not just from dead bodies.
        Raucous laughter drifted down the hall from the lab where Natalie
usually worked. Nick smiled to himself, a day with a good friend and some
laughter would revitalize him wonderfully.   He entered the lab.  It took
him several seconds to sort out what was going on.  There was a corpse in a
body bag on the table.  Grace, Natalie's assistant was sitting on top of a
desk holding
her sides in laughter.  Natalie was oddly enough standing  in the middle of
the room with her lab coat pulled over her head like a hood.
        The women turned when they realized that Nick had entered the room.
Natalie walked over to him, arms raised upward, a large grin on her face.
"I am the Great Cornholio!  I need tp for my bunghole!"
        "What?"  Nick's eyes crinkled as he tried to figure out what was going on.
        "I am the Great Conrholio.  I need tp for my bunghole.  Will you give me tp
for my bunghole?"
        The sound of Grace falling off the desk and giggling on the floor startled
Nick but he turned his attention back to his friend.  "I am bungholio! I
need oleo for my bunghole.  Will you give me tp for my bunghole?"  Natalie
chanted, her eyes had an unnatural glaze to them.
        "What is going on?"  Nick sputtered.
        "Nick, its Beevis and Butthead!"  Natalie shook her head in disgust.  "Its
my favorite show of theirs."
        "Uh, huh,"  the detective considered the matter for a moment, then decided
he probably didn't want to know.  "You ready to go?"
        "Sure, just let me get my purse,"  Nat told him as she went to find it.
        Grace had managed to pick herself up off the floor and called out to her,
"Don't forget the tp!"
        "I am Cornholio!  I need tp for bunghole!  Where I come from, we have no
bungholes,"  Nat's voice floated back towards them.
        "It's been a long week?"  Nick asked, cocking his head at Grace.
        "You're telling me, I've been here for over twenty-six hours straight.
Nat's been here even longer than that.  She started doing Snickers bars and
Diet Coke every half hour a while ago.  I think its affecting her mind."
        "I'd say so, yes,"  Knight nodded vigorously.
        "So what have you two got planned for the day?"
        "Videos, we're going to watch some videos and relax,"  he explained as
Natalie returned, she put on a pair of shorts and a extra-large T-shirt that
had a big caffeine molecule on it.  "You ready?"
        "Ready Freddy, let's blow this pop stand!" the doctor retorted as she waved
to her coworker-worker and walked out the door.
        "See you, Grace."
        "Good luck, detective."

****
        "What have you got there?"  Nick asked Natalie as she entered his home.
She was carrying several bags.
        "I've got your videos.  I've got your chocolate.  I've got your Diet Coke
and for nutrition I've got your extra-large  burritos with tons of lettuce
on them."
        "Bean burritos?"
        "Yeah, they're my favorite."
        "I know that, it's just..." Nick's voice trailed off.  He'd once tried to
explain to Natalie how difficult having dramatically heightened senses was
sometimes.  It had been after she had consumed a large meal of bean burritos
and cheesecake.  She'd been offended by the implication and told him that
anybody from the thirteenth century should be very used to bad smells.
        "What!"  Natalie questioned as she crossed her arms waiting for an explanation.
        "Nothing," he replied, figuring that discretion was the better part of
valor, live another day and all that, "so what's the videos tonight?"
          "I thought I'd give you an education in something so you'll be better
able to function as a human."
        "What?  This isn't going to be some more cooking videos or something is it?"
        "No, even better!"  Nat vigorously shook her head a wide smile breaking on
her face.
        "Its not that sickening movie with the singing children and the goat puppet
show, is it?"  Nick tried to keep the disgust out of his voice.
        The doctor considered smacking him for defaming her favorite movie of all
time, the light of her existence, the stuff of her dreams and one fine show.
But she remembered that he'd slept through most of it and had probably
missed the deeply hidden universal truths in the film.  She was just too
tired to get into an argument so she pulled out one of the videos, "Disney
flicks, Nick!"
        "Disney?  You mean Mickey Mouse?"
        "Not just Mickey Mouse, "Snow White", "101 Dalmatians", "The Love Bug",
"Parent Trap",  all movies that you should have seen as a child if you were
really as old as you looked,"  She saw doubt on his face, "Look, these films
are the cultural basis that my generation is founded on."
        "I thought yours was the generation that wore plaid bell bottoms and
listened to the Bee Gees,"  Nick commented, trying to keep an innocent look
on his face.  He and Natalie had once been in a music store when he'd found
her deeply hidden secret lust for Barry Gibb, lead singer of the Bee Gees.
        "The plaid bell bottoms weren't our fault and I'm not even going to discuss
music with somebody that actually followed the Grateful Dead.  I'm talking
about the experiences one went through as a small child.  The kind of
memories that stick with you forever,"  She reached into one of the plastic
bags, "I'm talking Lady and the Tramp!"
        Looking at the cover on the laser disk, the detective responded, "Its a
movie about dogs?"
        Natalie shoved the laser disk in his stomach, "Just load the thing up and
pour your self a glass of something.  I'm going to nuke my burritos."
        Nick stood there helplessly for a moment and then put the disk in the
player and went over to the refrigerator.  He hoped she remembered not to
microwave the burritos for too long.  They tended to explode if cooked for
too long.

****

        "We are Si-a-mese if you ple-ease.  We are Si-a-mese if you don't please,"
the two animated cats on the screen sang.   Nick was enjoying the movie so
far.  The animation was well done and the story was moving along quickly.
The premise seemed a little far fetched but then again, it was a cartoon.
Natalie had calmed down after consuming her burritos and was laying on the
couch, her foot taping in time for the music.  Evidently her blood sugar
has reached a more stable level.
        "Hey Nat,"  Nick asked, "is this your favorite Disney cartoon?"
        "Uhm, it's hard to pick a favorite,"  the doctor responded, lips pursed in
thought, after all this was a very important question.  Nearly as important
as important as the nuts or no nuts on sundae question.   "I mean, you've
got Prince Philip in "Cinderella", that's a high point and the singing mice
are great.  But then there's that cute Fox in "Fox and the Hound".  Of
course one can't deny the deeply humorous Pumbah in "The Lion King".  Not to
mention the fabulous animation in "Fantasia".  I suppose I have a different
favorite for different moods."
        "And what do you like best about this movie?"
        "I'll let you know when the scene comes up.  Do you like it so far?"
        "Yeah, I do.  Those cats are great."
        They watched the movie in silence for a while then Nat sat up on the couch
and focused all her attention on the screen.  The two dogs, Lady and Tramp,
were dining at an Italian restaurant.
        "The dogs are eating out?"  Nick asked, confused, he had gotten used to
talking animals in cartoons but dining out seemed a bit much.
        "Yes, pay attention, this is my favorite scene!"
        "I noticed,"  Nick muttered as he watched Lady and Tramp share a spaghetti
and meatballs dinner.  The Tramp rolled a meatball over to Lady in the most
gentlemanly of fashions.  They both picked up the same piece of spaghetti
and ate it to the middle where they met.  They stared meaningfully  in to
each others eyes.  He looked over at Natalie, a cold, sickening feeling
building in his gut.  Her foot was thumping madly and she had a glazed grin
plastered on her face.  Nick might have been a vampire for eight hundred
years but he was still a guy and if there was anything a guy knew it was a
"commitment" movie when he was shown one.  About fluffy little dogs was it?
No, it was about meaningful life attachments and commitments.  The knot in
his stomach grew tighter.  The romantic look on Natalie's face grew bigger.
"I've got to make a phone call to Schanke, something I forgot to tell him,"
Nick said hastily and nearly flew off the couch.  He quickly dialed his
partner's number.
        "Hey, Schanke, forgot to tell you I turned in the file on the Overmeyer case."
        "You called me for that?  Have a heart, Nick, it's been a long week I don't
even want to hear anything about work,"  came Schanke's whining reply.
        "I know, sorry, I just needed a break from video watching,"  Nick explained
as he strolled over to the refrigerator, ostensibly checking his inventory
for the week.
        "What's Nat showing you this week?"
        "Lady and The Tramp."
        "Oh, boy partner, have you got big trouble.  That's a commitment film!"
        "I was beginning to get that idea.  What do I do?"
        "Find out what you're watching next, quick,"  Schanke insisted.
        "Uh, Nat, what are we going to watch next?"  Nick called out.
        "I've got "Beauty and the Beast " and "101 Dalmatians","  she answered him
distractedly as she opened a chocolate bar.
        Nick relayed the information to his friend, who instantly replied, "Go for
the "101 Dalmatians"!  You're much safer with a flick about some woman
trying to make a dog coat then another syrupy love story.  Definitely go
with the dog film."
        "Thanks, Schanke, I owe you."
        "We men have to stick together, partner, or we'd all be stuck watching "An
Affair To Remember" a million and one times."
        Nick replaced the phone and went back over to the couch.  Natalie was still
engrossed in the film but she managed to tear her attention away long enough
to ask, "What film do you want to watch next?"
        "101 Dalmations, definitely.  I can't seem to get enough of talking dogs
today,"  He looked at the growing pile of chocolate wrappers in front of her.
Fear entered his slowly beating vampiric heart.  "Uh, Nat, would you like
another Diet Coke to wash that chocolate down?"

THE END


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               maddog - lxd3@po.cwru.edu