The Great Buck's Blue Butted Baboon Caper

Chapter 0 in the McDonough's Monkeys Chronicles

Presented by Over-Caffeinated Productions

Up in the Air Over Europe 1943

"This hat doesn't fit right," complained Maddog, attempting to straighten her leather flyer's cap.

"That's because those jumbo sized things you call ears are interfering with the flaps," retorted Feral.

Maddog stuck out her tongue in response and continued trying to adjust her hat. It was hard with handcuffs on. They kept getting caught on her nose. Less than four weeks ago she'd been a con, doing a three year stretch for an arson job gone wrong in Brooklyn. Now, she was on an Army plane flying over Norway and hating every minute of it.

"Lieutenant," an airmen stuck his head out of the cockpit. "Five minutes and we'll be over the jump sight."

Lieutenant Kelly "Blood and Guts" McDonough nodded at the man and stood up. She was career army and had been doing a hitch in Borneo before the army, in it's infinite wisdom, had corralled her for this job. Although, she had to admit, riding herd on a unsavory group of convicts and parachuting behind enemy lines had to be better than the leper colony on Borneo she'd been stationed at.

"Jump? Hey, Rastro, what's this about jumping?" Feral asked. She was a tall redhead with long legs and an even longer rap sheet. Car thefts, especially expensive cars, were her specialty.

"We're going to be jumping out of the plane," Rastro replied. Her Australian accent contrasting to the nasal American ones of her fellow convicts. She'd been serving time at a Federal Penitentiary for forgery.

"Jump?" Feral got to her feet. "There's no way I'm jumping out of no plane. Forget it."

McDonough moved over to the panicking woman and shoved her back down in her seat. "Cool it. What did you think we were going to do. Land the plane all nice and cozy behind enemy lines?"

"Well, yeah," Feral responded, shrugging her shoulders.

"No, we're going to parachute in and perform our mission. Just like we've been going over the past week."

"What mission?" Rastro asked.

"The one we've been going over for the past week. Haven't you been listening to anything I've been telling you?"

"No, didn't think it was important,"

McDonough reconsidered her position on leaving the lepers. Then she thought of them at her farewell on the airfield. Fingers falling off as they waved good-bye. She shook her blonde head to clear the sight from it. Glaring at each convict in turn she forcefully said, "Look you wise guys, you'd better start listening and doing as you're told. From now on this isn't a game."

"Ooh," said Maddog.

"Aaaah," said Feral.

"Blork," said Rastro.

"All right, that does it," McDonough was about to give her outfit a piece of her mind, a small piece though, there wasn't much left of it, when another officer came out of the cockpit.

"Having problems Lieutenant?"

McDonough turned around and saluted. The officer was a short brunette female dressed in army green, captains bars were on her shoulder. "No m'am. Just trying to inspire them before the jump,"

"Oh, god, I don't want to jump. Mamma, make it go away," wailed Feral.

"You don't seem to be having much success," responded the captain. "I'm Captain Buck, I'll be the official observer on this mission."

"Why wasn't I informed of this change before Captain?" asked the Lieutenant.

"Sorry about that Lieutenant. The orders came through at the last minute. I barely had time to go buy a new leather outfit for the jump."

"I see m'am. Have you been fully briefed?"

"Of course, typed the orders myself."

"Typed, m'am?"

"Figure of speech, Lieutenant. Shouldn't we be jumping out of this plane now?"

"Yes, m'am. All right you cons, on your feet." McDonough took the key out of her pocket and went to unlock the convict's handcuffs. Rastro held her unlocked cuffs up and smiled as did Feral.

Maddog looked at the other's in annoyance. "Hey, why didn't you guys unlock my cuffs?"

"Didn't want your hands free," Rastro answered as she stood up. "Didn't want you playing with yourself on the drive over,"

"All right people, get ready," called the Lieutenant.

Maddog and Rastro got up and went toward the plane's door. Lieutenant McDonough did a last minute check on their parachutes.

"I'm not going," Feral stated emphatically. Her hands gripped seat she was on.

"Yes, you are," ordered Captain Buck. She grabbed the car thief by the lapels and dragged her to her feet. No easy task as Feral was a good six inches taller. "Nobody, but nobody is messing up this mission and my chance to be a hero." Pushing the taller woman in front of her Buck jumped out of the plane. Feral's whimpers could be heard even after she had plummeted several hundred feet from the plane.

"Any other problems?" McDonough asked of the two remaining convicts.

"Can't think of any, can you Rastro?"

"No, sure can't Maddog,"

The two convicts jumped out of the plane followed by Lieutenant McDonough. The Lieutenant was still wondering if fingerless lepers might not be easier to deal with.

***

Occupied Norway 1943

"Hey, my leather jacket got a scratch on it from that damn tree," Captain Buck complained. They squad had landed on the ground, having no choice as one falls down, at least on this planet anyway. Rastro and Maddog were trying to encourage Feral to uncurl from the fetal ball she was in. Lieutenant McDonough was scouting the area for German troops. She came back through the underbrush towards them, blonde hair a tangled mess.

"All clear, Captain," McDonough reported. "I found the road the tank column is supposed to take. It's about a quarter of a mile north of here."

"Perfect. It's o-six hundred now, the column's supposed to pass at fifteen hundred this afternoon," Buck replied nodding her head sagaciously. "We're to stay in a cabin with a member of the Norwegian underground."

"We're staying underground? Like a gopher or something?" asked Maddog.

"No, you nit, there are no gophers in Norway. The ground freezes too hard," Rastro replied, searching through the pockets on her uniform for a packet of lentil soup.

"Oh, that makes sense. So how are we going to stay underground?"

"Beats me, probably have to use a bomb or something,"

"Look you two," McDonough interrupted the inane conversation. "Start moving,"

"Which way?" asked the forger.

"North west,"

"And which way would that be?"

The Lieutenant rubbed her hand across her forehead and mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "Why Me?" "That way," she said as she pointed in the correct direction. "And would you mind getting Feral on her feet."

Maddog knelt by the still prone form of the car thief and started shaking an arm. "Feral, hey Feral. We gotta get moving now."

"I'm not going anywhere. I wanna stay in contact with the ground." Feral mumbled, trying to hug the ground. She was very fond of the ground.

"Look Feral, if you don't get up and start moving that short woman is going to come over here and throw you around again," threatened Maddog.

"Oh, what did I ever do to deserve this?" groaned Feral, as she started to get up off the forest floor.

"You farted on the Lieutenant's bed?" suggested Rastro.

Lieutenant "Blood and Guts" McDonough ignored that last comment and led the band through the dense Norwegian pine forest to the cabin.

***

"Lieutenant, I don't think this cabin is going to be suitable for a base of operations, do you?" asked Captain Buck.

The intrepid band of soldiers and sorta-soldiers were huddled on a ridge over looking a small valley. A few hundred feet in front of them was a burned out cabin, smoke still coming from parts of the it.

McDonough considered many replies, then went with the one that wouldn't get her court martialled. "No, m'am, I don't think that it is going to be a suitable base of operations."

"Without the explosives how are we going to divert the tank column?" Feral asked.

"I'll think of something," replied Captain Buck. "After all, I've viewed more war mov.. training exercises then anyone I know."

The other four members of the party looked at Captain Buck strangely. She didn't notice though. Pine tar had fallen on the lambs wool collar of her jacket and was taking all of her attention.

"Right," McDonough finally said, "Rastro, Feral, you scout the area and try to find our contact. Maddog you stay here with the Captain. I'm going to investigate the ruins more closely."

The two convicts and former friend to lepers melted into the

forest on their respective missions. Maddog sat down on a nearby rock and pulled a pack of gum out of a pocket. "Want a piece Captain?"

"Yes, thank you, my teeth really need to be brushed again,"

"Not likely around here m'am" Maddog said as she began chewing her gum. The pair chewed chiclets in silence for a while. Then Maddog, having a really good idea, decided to venture forth a question. "So, how are we going to divert the tanks anyway?"

"I've got the problem under consideration," responded Captain Buck.

"Mhmmm, we'll we've got no explosives and very little fire power."

"That's true," admitted Buck.

"Yeah, and like we've got only three hours and no way to contact the resistance."

"True, true,"

"So if we want to make this mission a success, like I'm sure you want to Captain. We're going to have to make some suicidal move against the front of the convoy as it passes over the Olson-Olson bridge, right?"

"Suicidal?" Buck asked, her full attention now on the convict and off the spreading pine stains on her nice new leather jacket.

"Yeah, have to be, unless of course, the Lieutenant comes up with something." Maddog smiled and gave her best dumb look. She was very good at dumb looks.

"That won't do at all," Buck retorted. "I'm the senior officer. I should come up with the good idea."

"You got one?"

"Not off hand, no," Buck sighed and sat down on the rock beside the con.

"You know when I was a kid, there was a Kraut who lived down the street from us. Before his shop was blown away by a water spout that is. Anyway, he told me all these things about Germans."

"What kind of things?" asked the Captain.

"Like what is guaranteed to frighten the lead tank of the column into driving off that bridge and causing the rest of them to follow."

Captain Buck looked at the former handball champ of the women's section of Leavenworth for a moment. Thoughts of failure, lost hopes and dreams, telling Daddy what happened and a lost clothing allowance flashed through her mind. "Tell me more."

***

"Feral, I need you to go and steal a tank," ordered Captain Buck. The convicts had returned to the ridge. Lieutenant McDonough was still on reconnaissance.

"Sure thing Captain. Where do I find one?" asked the pleased car thief.

"From the back of the tank column of course. Rastro and Maddog will help you." continued the Captain. "And while you're at it, get a can of blue paint."

"Blue paint?" Rastro asked, her eye brows shooting up. "What do we need blue paint for?"

"Maddog will explain the plan on your way to steal the tank," Buck unlatched her binoculars from their case and took them out. She started scanning the forest with them.

"Maddog's going to explain a plan?" said Feral incredulously.

"Yeah," Maddog said, giving a wide grin. "While you were gone I had an idea."

"Oh, fine, now we're all going to get killed," mumbled Rastro to no one in particular.

"No, no," countered Maddog. "It's a good idea and the Captain here made up a plan so we can finish the mission and get the hell outta here."

"Okay, let's go," Feral urged. The thought of stealing a tank had set her all a quiver.

The three convicts set off into the forest. Toward what was hopefully the tank column. A voice floated back towards Captain Buck. "So how do we get close enough to steal a tank?"

***

It was fourteen-thirty in the afternoon. The tank had been stolen. The cons had managed to steal a tank. They refused to divulge how, however. All they would say was that it involved a tin of vegemite and Rastro's shorts. Rastro did not look pleased, nor did she smell very appealling. That is unless you're into puppy chow. The group was positioned near the end of the long bridge that the German tank column had to cross to continue on it's way to the Russian Front. There was only one detail of the plan that had yet to be implemented.

"Here's the paint Captain," Rastro said, handing Captain Buck a gallon of bright blue paint and a large brush. It was a very large brush.

"Thank you Rastro," replied the Captain. She drew herself up to full height, which with her added pouffy hair was a good half inch taller than Lieutenant McDonough. Of course, the Lieutenant was wider. She then walked over to McDonough and ordered, "Drop your pants."

"What! You want me to what?" bellowed McDonough, her face during an interesting shade of puce.

"Drop your pants. That's an order Lieutenant," commanded Captain Buck.

Blood and Guts narrowed her eyes and glared at the Captain. Thoughts of striking a superior officer crossed her mind. She thought she might be able to take the Captain. The group of monkeys that made up her squad wouldn't interfere. Yeah, a good right to the jaw and.. And what, her career would be over. Even the lepers wouldn't have her back. She clenched her teeth and spoke. "May I respectfully ask why, m'am?"

"Yes, Lieutenant, you may ask why." There was a pause in the conversation. It lengthened. It went on. McDonough finally got with the program.

"Why?"

"Because this is the only way I could think of stopping the tanks. Now drop your pants."

"I thought we were going to make a suicidal commando raid against them." McDonough responded, puzzled.

"I think not. I have much to much to live for. This is plan involves no loss of my life. Now drop 'em." ordered Captain Buck.

McDonough thought of FDR and dropped them. Her face turning redder and redder by the moment. "Hey," she yelped. Something cold and wet had slapped across her butt.

"Stand still, I have to cover all of it with blue," instructed the Captain.

"Blue, you're painting my butt blue?" McDonough's voice reached new octaves as her commanding officer kept painting her butt. The paint was cold. Rastro had stored it in a snow bank until the proper time.

"Yes, Lieutenant. It is a well known fact that all German's are deathly afraid of blue butted baboons. I reckon that if we show them a blue baboon butt they'll lose control of their tanks and drive over the bridge."

"Are you saying," hissed McDonough, "that you think my butt looks like a baboons?"

"Well, not really, baboons have much thinner butts but your's was the closet we could come to one." responded the short brunette. She slapped one last coat of paint on. "There all done."

"Very nice job, Captain," Maddog pipped up.

"I dunno, maybe she shoulda used a primer coat," Feral said sagely. "The blue didn't cover all that white expanse."

"Shut up," McDonough's bellow could be heard for miles around. It scared the wildlife and caused six reindeer to go spontaneously into heat. "I may have to do this but I am not listening to any wise cracks about it. Do I make myself clear."

"Uh, yes, ma'm, uh huh, oh yeah," the cons nodded their heads and tried looking anywhere but at McDonough's glare.

"All right, everybody into the tank. Lieutenant, you go in last and hang your butt out of the tank top. Feral, you drive the tank to the front of the bridge. As the tanks come down, drive close enough to them so that the blue butt will show clearly. Try to make sure that you force them close to the edge with the tank. Everybody understand their parts? Good." ordered Captain Buck.

The mission couldn't have gone better. As the German tank drivers saw a German tank approaching them with a bright blue butt hanging out of it's top they could think but one thing. Blue butted baboons were on the loose and eating tank drivers. So they did the sensible thing and drove their tanks off the bridge into the cold fjord below. After the last tank fell into the water McDonough was allowed to bring her butt, also blue from cold by now, into the tank. The intrepid band drove the tank to the coast where the submarine would be picking them up.

The group was silent was they rendezvoused with the sub. The cons because they were afraid that the Lieutenant would kill them no matter what they said and Captain Buck because she was imagining the medals she would soon be able to wear on her tailored uniforms. They were sitting around a small table in a cramped room when the commander of the submarine came to pay his respects to the army officers.

"Well, Captain, I must congratulate you on a job well done," said Commander Thomas.

"Thank you Commander," replied Captain Buck proudly.

"I must say that when I heard that you were going in with a band of convicts I had my doubts."

"So did I, but the Lieutenant and the convicts performed quite adequately."

"Adequately?" Rastro shook her head in disbelief, thinking of the vegemite now squishing in her unmentionables.

"Adequately?" Maddog said, thinking of the great blue butt idea she had had.

"Adequately?" Feral said, thinking of being shoved out of a plane that was much, much too high off the ground.

"Adequately," McDonough said through clenched teeth. She had not only planned out the original mission but it had been her butt that had seen them through.

Not realizing that she had managed to tick everyone in her group off in one short sentence, Captain Buck babbled on. "I think we have the makings of a great group here."

"You should really name them, Captain," suggested the commander.

"I think I'll call them Buck's Baboons," the army captain said. The next nanosecond she was slammed into a bulkhead with five foot two of short blonde at her throat.

"I am not going to be called a baboon," McDonough spat out. Thoroughly wetting Buck's face. "Do... You... Under... Stand."

"Yyyes, of course Lieutenant," spluttered Buck. "Maybe we'll call ourselves McDonough's Monkeys."

"Better," growled McDonough, dropping the Captain to the ground.

Feeling that it was a momentous occasion. The convicts exchanged glances and started bouncing on their chairs. They made monkey noises. It was a good day.