Perry The Postal Worker’s Astrological Forecast
It started a few years ago.
Perry the Postal Worker found he was able to predict the future.
Perry receives messages from beyond. Sometimes he can sense the
arrival of strange, sensational, other-worldly periodicals....The Weekly World
News, Trailer Park Monthly, The Washington Post. Now you can harness
Perry powers everyday. Five times a week Perry stops what he's doing at
the mail sorter, and listens to the voices.....
It's
"fun with water day" today! Be daring, dress up as a fire
hydrant and hang out at the dog pound. Throwing water balloons is always
fun, so climb to the top of city hall and pelt unsuspecting bureaucrats.
Remember, water is supposed to be put in squirt guns, not the soft drink
squirt. In the afternoon hours, bring in the garden hose, and hose
grandma's delicate thimble collection.
Today you
will sue David Hasslehoff for hoarding the worlds cheese supply. A
wandering psychic will tell you that your marriage is a "match made in
Detroit." Women stop refering to your husband as "Ned the Human
Bus." Your focus is on love, romance, finances and small hand
grenades. Avoid driving a golf cart on the freeway. Start saving
styrofoam cups, you may need to float ashore.
Be careful
today near high places, sharp or hot objects, and bricklayers with wet mortar.
Personal hygiene is a concern today, remember to clip your toenails with
standard nail clippers, not a turbo charged weed wacker. See a doctor
today if you continue to have nightmares that Pat Sajak moves in next door.
Excitement arrives in the evening as you are credited with discovering the
world's first peanut butter and jellyfish.
You have the
patience for detail work today, fill the cracks in your driveway with week old
coffee grounds. Parties and celebrations could be in store this evening.
Be prepared, don't go to any gathering without bringing your Tom Bosley
jello mold. Virgos, Libra's and ex-con's named Snookie The Human Meat
Grinder figure prominently. Share your experiences with loved ones.
Begin by telling them about the time you were arrested for tearing the
crust off your bread.
Start your
day with a good workout. begin by moving all your kitchen appliances onto the
roof. After you work up a good sweat, you'll want to cool off, so run
through the sprinklers with an ice cube tray on your head. Creativity is
the high point of your day, so find time to write a novel, sculpt some pottery,
or watch endless reruns of Barnaby Jones. You'll feel an urge in the afternoon
to get closer to your roots, this can be accomplished by getting intimate with
the base of all oak trees on your street.
You may be
detained today for beating eggs. Common sense prevails today, so declare any
marriage proposal from anyone claiming to be Tommy Lee. Do your part to further
education by donating a chunk of cash to "Nervous Ernie's Welding Academy.
In the afternoon hours, get involved in community affairs by secretly
auctioning off the mayors immediate family. Your career blossoms today as you
accept a lucrative job in New York as a parking spot.
Romance,
education, and rotating the tire on you unicycle are in your forecast today.
Be safety conscious today, don't invite local arsonists over to admire
your matchbook collection. Your theory that extraterrestrial creatures
have infiltrated the earth in the form of salad croutons will not get much
attention. Don't embarrass yourself any further by claiming that you can
also hear aliens trading brownie recipes on your radio.
Today would
be a great day to get a fresh start. Men start by giving a
"goose" to a random female passerby. Today is your day to get
into politics, perhaps running for chairman of the local pickle packers
steering committee, or run for president of the United States, whichever is
easier. Love could be a splendid thing for you today if you happen
to make 200 thousand bucks a year and you have most of your hair.
Women, stop refering to your husband as "Ken the human inner tube..
Be wary if your son wants to jon the crook of the month club.
Men,
whatever you do today, avoid any person who claims they can wrestle
a cheese danish with one hand tied behind their back. Women, avoid
any guy named Biff who steals hubcaps for a living and enjoys listening to
showtunes until 3am. Finances could be in trouble today, avoid dumping
cash into any company that is trying to produce the world's first talking
blender. Parents, your daughter is going to attempt to rob a bank using a
garden hose....don't worry, she'll be out in about 10 to 20 years.
A possible
career setback will come today, as you are denied employment at Burger king.
Things will get better by the evening hours as you are invited to share
fungus samples with Larry King. Men, avoid refering to your mate as the
"Big Skank from Ohio." Women, don't expect the men in your life
to be exciting today, as your mate makes you watch C-SPAN for 24 hours non-stop.
Time devoted
to hobbies today will be well spent. You'll finally complete your collection of
ancient medieval snow blowers. Avoid asking any prospective mates what their
past life is. A goofy mood today will lead you to go through the phone
book and draw lines through anyone named Stan. Some exciting family news
arrives today as you discover that you are in no way related to Morley Safer.
Women, your new uptown boyfriend is very becoming....becoming heavier and
heavier everyday. men, see if you can avoid making 1998 another dateless year,
start hanging around the local women's prison.
Women, the
men in your life could be viewing you as an object, this will reveal itself
today when your mate calls you "Samantha the wonder wench".
Men, avoid any woman who's phone number begins with 1-900. Resist
the urge to go to a theme park and "goose" the costumed cartoon
characters. You are however invited to find a different outlet for your
curiosity. Start by organizing a coalition of people who belong to a
coalition.
Summer is
almost here, time to hit the beach and scam for romance. Men, if you find
that the beach bunny don't respond to your pick-up lines, maybe it's time to
take drastic action. Physically pick up the nearest babe you can find and
drop her into the water, don't worry guys, ladies love to be swept off their
feet. Women, today could be your day, as your high school sweetheart gets
released on parole. Today would be a great day to release things held
captive, go to the bank and cut all the chains that hold the pens in place.
Unwanted
publicity comes your way today, as the local paper publishes a picture of you
and a pineapple farmer sharing needlework with Rosie O'Donnell in the parking
lot of the International House of Pancakes. Stick to your career goals
today, if that's too much to ask, at least spread some maple syrup on your
backside and stick to the patio furniture. Occupy your evening hours tonight
with crossword puzzles, finger painting, and any person who has purchased a
Cher album. Spend the rest of the day watching Lindsay Wagner Ford
commercials. You may find yourself a tad bit discouraged today, as you
have a hard time figuring out the plot to a show on the QVC Network.
Tonight,
build a mock-up of the C.N.N. studios in you house. Gather all your pets
together into the living room and pretend to broadcast pertinent news to them.
Make sure your spouse doesn't catch you doing this, they may think you've
joined the Napoleon army. Take a few moments to kindly make fun of a few
French people today. You home security worries may be over, as you invent
the world's first pocket sized pit bull.
An exciting
day is in store for you today as opportunity comes knocking, unfortunately it
knocks on your neighbors door and the only thing you find on your front porch
is a flaming bag of something unidentified. Turn negatives into
positives today, make that unbearable and unsightly skin problem work for you
by renting out your face to a local elementary school as a relief map of the
solar system. Don't be intimidated by obnoxious co-workers, feisty in-laws or
leather salesmen named spike.
You may want
to find a cure for your habit of flailing your arms around aimlessly while
visiting antique shops. Make sure you avoid any contact with any guy who
calls himself, "Bert, the human cesspool." Outdoor activities
are the focus of your attention today. Get out the old John Tesh lawndart
set. Hang out at a Japanese restaurant and verbally terrorize anyone who
claims to be a fan of the energizer bunny. Find some time to juggle
whipped cream.
Sometime
today, a large guy in a small bikini will dance a jig on your front porch.
Attempt to affix a small licence plate to his forehead. You
will be in a position to take control of situations today. Use a garden
weasel to get your way in things of unimportance. Men, outright drooling
while on dates is to be avoided. Women, your relationship with your
current mate is about as open and free as an airline bathroom. Today
would be a great day to remove the handcuffs from your cleaning lady.
Be prepared
to argue with city officials today as they argue that your John Madden
all-purpose weather vain is a public nuisance. For entertainment this
evening, paste party streamers to your forehead while you simultaneously gargle
motor oil and sing a wide selection of popular Spice Girls hits. Don't
let dreams of poodles cooking gaines burgers on your backyard grill distract
you today, stay focused on the big picture, your on your way to a secure life
as a circus clown stunt double.
Don't let
feeling of inadequacy effect you today, so what if you're the only person on
the planet who didn't receive an entry form for the Publisher Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes. Anyway, put some beer on ice, Uncle Joe Bob is coming over
for teh weekend, and you know what that means, it's gonna be 2 days of tobacco
chewin', cow tippin' and banjo pickin'. Hey, it could be worse, you could
be out of beer!
Today is the
ideal day to start a garden. If you don't have the time to start a
back-yard garden, use the produce section of your refrigerator to grow other
life forms. Career frustrations in the afternoon may lead you to assume
an alter ego....that of a chain smoking circus clown. Good news arrives
today, possibly in the form of a telegram from your mother-in-law announcing
that she will soon be making an appearance on America's Most Wanted.
Aeries, gemini, and puppeteers with tangled string figure prominently in
you life.
Outdoor activities
are the focus of your attention this afternoon. Possibly camping,
fishing, or just hauling the week's garbage out to the curb. If you are
feeling lonely today, do something to remedy the situation. If you don't
know if you are lonely, ask yourself "do I have any battery-powered
imaginary companions?" If the answer is yes, you are desperately
lonely....in which case you should hang out at Japanese restaurants and
verbally terrorize anyone who admits to watching every show on the UPN network.
Your focus
today in on health, auto repairs, and feeling strangers pockets for loose
change. The stars are aligned perfectly today for career advancement,
romance and skin boils that need salve. Keep your neighbors entertained
this afternoon by relaxing in your underwear on the front lawn....make sure and
hum a few Barbara Striesand tunes. Loved ones, distant relatives, and
convenience store clerks with dripping Slurpee machines figure prominently in
all phases of your life today.
To those of
you out of work, avoid having your butler pick up your food stamps from the
unemployment office. A long time dream comes true today, as the
"Bureau of Cheesy Record Offers" proclaims you the new "master
of the pan flute" Sometime today you will be called to the police
station to bail out your Uncle Ned as he is arrested playing croquet naked.
Sporting
events are the focal point today. You'll earn big dollars as a target at
the local archery club, play handball at your own discretion. Expect to
get some trouble from your church softball team today, the plaid and polka-dot
uniforms you ordered have not been as well received as you had hoped.
Spend time with loved ones today, avoid conversations about the medium
sized serving of egg salad in your pants.
Long
distance communication, love, and backed up septic systems play a major role in
your life today as a near and dear relative a brush with the law today as they
are booked for getting too friendly with a roll of underarm deodorant.
This evening, your focus is on paperwork, gardening, and having dental
work done against your will. Leo, Scorpio and TV talk show hosts with bad
tartar on their teeth figure prominently in your life this week.
Long overdue
recognition by your peers is in the stars today as your boss rewards your hard
work with your own parking space. Unfortunately it's in front on a fire
hydrant, and your car is towed away by mid-afternoon. Focus this evening
on long term goals, short tern goals, and soccer goals. Your budding tap dance
career comes to a tragic end today, as unexpected bunions force you to
cancel your scheduled dance interpretation of Roget's Thesaurus.
A random
remark could backfire today, for example, don't tell your boss that the
unemployment office is begging you to come join their team. Also, try not
to refer to your boss as a lunkhead. Do things to revitalize
yourself emotionally and physically, attempt to ride an exercise bike to
Cleveland. Nix your plans for the first tea social/riot. An arrest
warrant could be in your future as you attempt to perform the backstroke in
a local fish hatchery. Question your 18-year-old daughter if she
tells you she won't be needing any new school clothes come September because
she is becoming a stripper.
Health and
diet programs are highlighted today, unfortunately the highlight is your habit
of eating triple cheeseburgers 4 times a day. Spring is near and darn it
you've lost your job, so what if it's the 8th job in 2 months, any job that
doesn't let you watch daytime talk and drink beer aren't worth having.
Business ventures fail today as you find out you stock in the "Sausage
of the Month Club" took a turn for the worse.
Today is no
time to worry that your son is flunking his dog training class, but
that's better than your daughter who has no class. Speaking of your
daughter, you may want to suggest she start a career in auto upholstery, since
she spends so much time repairing in back seats. Avoid getting your
priest a carton of menthol cigarettes for his birthday. As always avoid a
lady named "Hildegard the Battlemaiden."
Today, focus
on the meaning of life, if you can't find the meaning of life, figure out the
meaning of The Jerry Springer Show. Focus is on finding out whatever
happened to blimps. Backhoe your 3 car garage, and then plant lettuce and
spinach. The slim, trim figure you've been searching for is not going to
be found by you new, chocolate and stale pretzel diet.
Focus today
on finding out why there are only 14 spaces on the average ice cube tray.
Don't let people from Vermont who don't like waffles with horseradish
sidetrack you from your daily duties. The local community college will
hold tryouts for their production of "Buxom Bimbo's from Borneo",
make a point to audition for the role of Earl, The Human Trampoline.
A busy day
today as you meet with the local media to explain why you have a small panda
living in your pants. The spotlight today is on outdoor fun and spreading
chiggers on the visiting Belgian volleyball team. Be sure to scrub up
today, start by bathing in a large tub of chainsaw fuel. Business
executives, advance your career today by getting a hair-do that resembles
Dennis Rodman's recent styling.
You may
suffer a professional disappointment today as your plans for a theme park based
on "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" fall through. Entertain
friends and neighbors in the evening by showing them color slides of your
latest wart removal. Be aware of superficial friends, jealous co-workers,
and any piece of junk mail that has a return address of "gator-infested
swampland.
Today should
be fun, your "Born to Bake" potholders have arrived. An
afternoon fishing trip may be in order, if so, it would be a good chance to use
your new Bryant Gumbel "Stinky Salmon" electric fishing lure.
While fishing today, avoid any caffeine filled ex-cons. Also
today, avoid any elevators, extremely high places and sword swallowers
with upset stomachs.
Discover you
hidden musical talents today, but choose the right type of music and
instrument. The world may not be ready for a heavy metal accordion
player. Romance blooms today as you fall head over heels for a lovely
camel-backed leather sofa. Thrills and excitement arrive in the evening
hours as Hot Rod magazine give you a plaque for "most organized chrome
monkey wrench collection.
Be careful
managing your finances today, it would be wise to avoid turing over the bulk of
your money to any financial planner who doesn't know who's face is on the one
dollar bill. Today, spend time searching for the answer to one of life's
greatest questions: if dinosaurs became extinct millions of years ago, how do
you explain film critic Rodger Ebert? Taking risks is in the stars for
you today, so fill your garbage with old paint cans and oily rags and invite
local welders over to test their blow torches.
Today you
will find yourself romantically involved with a fertilizer analyst. This
new love may smell bad, but it's a heck of a lot better than leading a lonely
sorrowful life. Cheer up, by next week Tom Cruise will leave his wife and
move into your life. Unfortunately it's Tom Cruise, the garbage collector, so
you're back in the same situation as before. In the afternoon hours
convert your house into a UFO receiving station for aliens from other planets.
Unfortunately, the aliens that show up are gardeners that are there to
fertilize your lawn, so once again, back to square one.
You'll have
a brush with the law today, possibly over that mummy unravelling incident at
the local museum. It may be the right time to write that musical comedy
based on the large sewage spills of the 20th century. Make sure the play
has at least 3 numbers featuring the clean-up crews with large rubber hoses.
Close friends, co-workers, and roofers with sticky shingles figure
prominently today.
Today is the
day that your cousin the bodybuilder becomes the first person to actually lift
a department store off its foundation. Hours later the excitement dies
down as he is arrested for shoplifting. Ear extra money today by selling
your David Brinkley high-speed orange juice squeezer and matching miniature pot
holders.
Men, romance
is in the air again! However, don't ruin the moment with a loved on by saying
you'd like to visit "Pedro's Sleepy Siesta Motel" for the weekend.
Ladies, an exotic night of passion is in store as Robert Goulet shows up
at your front door, however he'll drink all of your beer and leave before your
husband comes home. However he does leave his collection of really bad
polyester shirts behind.
Finances are
your focus today, you will lose a big chunk of money when you learn the world
isn't quite ready for burlap disposable diapers. More bad news follows
when you learn your stock broker has invested the remainder of your life
savings in junk bonds and handcuff keys. You will however recoup some of
your lost cash by setting up a pencil sharpening booth at the local swap meet.
Men, be
suspicious if your wife suddenly has an endless supply of towels, soap and
toilet paper from the local motel. Your investment in bathtub sized
bottles of mineral water is going to flop. Problem is, no one can get
them in or out of the store without using a crane. However, you will
recover a large portion of money from another investment of yours....the
hip-hop 90 year grandmother is a smashing success.
Time for
love, romance and mafia related money laundering. Nix your plans for the
world's first abstract towel dispenser. Your suggestion of "reform
school girls" for the church play is not going to go over well.
Health and fitness today are of the utmost concern, cut back on your
daily intake of Lil' donuts and bon bon's. Women, avoid telling your
husband that you think the washing machine is possessed by the spirit of Merle
Haggard.
It's a great
day to find new employment, start by getting fired from you current job.
Besides, you never wanted to be in the gift wrapping business for the
rest of your life. Seek employment at any company that promises 51 weeks
a year of vacation. Most jobs as a road crew worker offer this type of benefit.
Sometime tonight, install a powerful stereo in your car. Then drive
to the local teen hangout and crank up some polka music. Attempt to
locate the organizer of the local chapter of the John Tesh fan club.
Sometime
today you'll experience severe "Gomer Pyle" flashback, causing you to
dress up like Sargent Carter and demand that the neighbors drop and give you
20. A loving call from Jim Nabors brings you to your senses. You
boss is in a generous mood today, as he extends your maximum bathroom time to
two minutes. Taurus, libra and people who constantly say "don't put
that thing in your mouth, you don't know where it's been figure prominently
today.
Good news
arrives today as a local chapter of parent without partners nominates you as
the grand master of love, romance and possum tossing. Women, look for men
who are trustworthy, loving and have an affection for playing with
a slinky in their spare time. Don't worry love is just around the
corner ready to flash in front of you at any time. When it does flash,
make sure you notify the authorities. This week, you have to tell a
relative that you may have been inconsiderate, make sure to stop giving your
mother-in-law the bird everytime you see her.
All signs
point to some sort of financial complications today. The big tip-off will
be when the IRS knocks on your door and wants to know more about your
contributions to a place called "April's Gogo Lounge and Livestock
Warehouse". Apparently April's Gogo Lounge and Livestock Warehouse still
doesn't qualify as a charitable donation.
Women, don't
overreact if someone has borrowed something without asking. Unless
of course it's your husband, in that case thank them. Men, find the time
to thank someone randomly on the street for something they didn't do. If
you are a social climber and are trying to impress new friends, avoid
mentioning that two years ago, Jim Nabors and you went to a sleazy bar in
Arizona and tried to pick up on babes.
Romantic
plan fall through today, it looks as though you may have to actually eat those
2 cases of Jell-o. Today will hold a special place in your heart as Don
Cornelius makes a special guest appearance as your wacky live-in roommate.
he will however be replaced mid-season by Alex Trebeck who will demand
that you phrase all of your sentences in the form of a question. Today
holds promise of new employment as you show up to work wearing only socks.
Expecting parents take note, name your child "Hervey the Midget
Boy"....even if it's a girl.
Today could
be an interesting one. First off, you'll watch a midget flip ham
omelettes at the local coffee shop. You may be in trouble today as you
try and sell forged handwritten letters from Ben Franklin. Apparently somewhere
in the letter, he mentions something about Domino's Pizza. Your car will
be towed away by a group of deranged tap dancers. In retaliation, storm
one of their shows armed with a "Johnny Mop" and a large sausage.
Women, please avoid refering to your husband as "trash can residue."
You will
have your fifteen minutes of fame today as you become the first person to
successfully hitchhike across the pacific ocean. You new found fame will
have it's strange moments as you are asked to appear on the Today Show and take
a shower with weatherman Williard Scott. be especially careful today
around lawn mowers, 9 piece steak knife sets, and plumbers with steel tipped
plungers.
Women, your
perceptive abilities will help you determine men who are not sincere. Any
guy who gives bus tokens as tips at restaurants may be someone to avoid.
When looking for new employment this week, avoid mentioning that you were
once a professional stoplight. Work on maintaining your health, avoid smoking
while at your new pesticide testing job. Provide a good example for young
people today, demonstrating the do's and don'ts of armed robbery would not be
advised.
Today is a
good day to take care of your VCR. Prolonged exposure to heat, dirty heads, and
repeated viewing of 1970's era "Debbie Does...." videos can do great
damage to your machine. Share your wisdom with others today, sit in your
driveway with a bullhorn and read excerpts from the encyclopedia Britannica.
Reach out to
people in need today, invite former cast members of the Tony Danza Show over
for a hot meal. You have a green thumb today, so start a vegetable garden
in the glove compartment of your car. In the evening hours, catch up on
you reading by finishing the final chapter of "The Joy of Zapping Wood
Ticks".
Today is a
good day to put yourself into someone else's shoes, if they're a little tight,
make sure they aren't still wearing them. Use a trout as a shoe horn and
and serve it to the first person you can find wearing roller skates.
Emphasis today on increased income and travel, unfortunately it's your
spouse and they're heading to Jamaica with all of your money. Go to a
trinket shop and buy some trinkets, however avoid refrigerators as they may be
too bulky. Gargle in public.
Today is the
day you find that someone special. This person will appear before dark,
cash may change hands, or perhaps nude pictures of your boss in a Little Bo
Peep outfit could be exchanged for a long lasting love affair between the two
of you. Relax tonight with hobbies, gardening or skeet shooting at the
local plate factory could be fun.
Sometime
today you will be involved in a bizarre sculpting accident as a maniacal clay
former comes at you with a block of wet plaster. Try today to teach your
dog to speak in complete sentences, there's nothing worse than a dog that
doesn't speak english very well. Remember you can't teach an old dog a
new trick, but you can dress him up to look like Sam Donaldson.
Bring an
iron to work and press your friends for information. Take time today
to find someone who has bushes in front of their house cut and pruned to
look like animals....tell the owners you'd like to do the same thing to
your dog, however since he's already a dog there won't be much pruning
involved.
Add some
extra excitement to your life today, run down to the local shopping center and
attempt to buy two left shoes. Tell the salesman you need two left shoes
because it make sit easier to get dressed in the morning. Organize a
basketball game for the youth of your neighborhood. First you'll need a
net, if you can't find Annette, find Frankie.
Men, it
would be wise not to get caught wearing your "Batwoman" costume in
public. Sometime today a man calling himself "Fred Winchell, ruler
of the devine doughnut kingdom" will smother you with frosting. Keep a
safe distance if at all possible. Feelings of insecurity will hit you today, as
your bank defaults on a 2 dollar check. Today at work, lip sync an
instrumental tune.
Today you
will receive something for nothing, return it to place of purchase and keep the
cash. Libra will play an important role today....cinnamon. Clean
cut businessmen, today, place a wig on your head and proudly tell co-workers
you have joined a heavy metal rock band called "The Renegade
Gerbils." Remember, life is all fun and games until someone gets
a skin abrasion. Keep track of all the people who use your restroom this
year.
A Turk
wielding an opossum will run through your laundry room yelling something about
Rex Reed and a plot to overthrow Guam. It may signal a drought is in
heading for the midwest, or a good time to invest in dead bolts. Sometime
today a man will come to your door and try and sell you aluminum siding for
your gerbil cage, don't hesitate for even a second, buy it immediately.
If you feel
the urge, take all your Elvis placemats and sell them at the swap meet for as
much as you can. Take the money and invest in any company that bases all
of their investment decisions on the forecasts of a siamese cat named dimples
the forecasting feline. Today, find yourself, if you can't find yourself
a little to easily it may be time to go on a diet. As a matter of
fact if reconnaissance satellite photos find you, it really may be time to go
on a diet.
Today is an
ideal day for family outings, begin by taking the kids to the police station
for a special slide presentation on "The Cultural Value of Chalk
Outlines." After the kids collect their souvenir body bags, on to
the local art museum to enjoy "Van Gogh on Velvet". If you are
hard-pressed for places to take the kids, remember you can buy their love, so
load them down with quarters, order a cab, and send them to the video arcade.
Today your
son will be arrested for brandishing a bag of peat moss in public.
Stockbrokers, try and take over any company that claims to have a cure
for Jenny Mcarthy. try and accomplish new things today, like waking up
before noon. men, depression sets in as your wife leave you for a
wandering band of circus midgets. Women, you could be in for a romantic
encounter as you shack up with Chuck Woolery. Go out and buy some stretch
pants....if the salesperson asks if you'd like a harness with these you may be
too large to be wearing them.
Couples,
don't let your mate know your intentions in advance, otherwise you may not be
able to put all that land-borne scuba gear to good use....and getting your
deposit back may be next to impossible. Make contact with long lost
relatives, however you may want to avoid cousin Billy-Bob. If you do
happen to meet up with him, make sure and sit through his dissertation on the
complexities of operating a Slurpee machine. Also, make sure to refer to
cousin Billy-Bob as the "Slurpee king, mystical ruler of generic smoke and
stuff....he like that sort of thing. Locate as many people as you can who
claim to have an entire washer/dryer unit up their nose.
As always a
new job is on the horizon because you failed to show up to work for the last 5
days. Telling your boss you thought it was the annual company sponsored
extended weekend won't help the matter. When looking for a new job,
accounting may be in your future, tell an perspective employer that you're real
good at getting your checkbook to within 50 or 60 bucks. Bill collectors
are going to be on your case today, so warn any of your friends named Bill.
Stay away from Danish guys named "Hector".
Love is in
bloom and shotgun season is upon us! Life's pressure is is going to hit
you like a large bucket of wet noodles. men, the woman that you have been
wanting to ask out is going to avoid you, or to put it another way, she
wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Oh well, at least Al Roker is
still on television and looking as sexy as ever.
Don't be
distracted by critics, ornery relatives, or Marv Albert's hair. Emphasis
today is on reaching goals, friendships, and government employees who own bean
bag toilets. If you find some free time today, stop people on the street
and explain the Dewey decimal system.
Today should
be interesting, as you spot a loved one chasing down a garbage truck in search
of a job application. A brush with greatness later today, as you catch Ed
Asner chafing old skin off his left thigh in your garage. In the evening
hours, the entire population of Scranton gathers on your front lawn to give
birth to a bad idea: inviting Larry King over for a nude romp through your
backyard hedges. Gemini, Leo, and vegetarians who get to the meat of the
matter figure prominently in all phases of your life today.
Romance is
in the air, but before you jump on the "love wagon" take time to get
to know your partner. Men, avoid telling your girlfriend about your Rosie
O'Donell fetish. Also avoid telling her about your secret identity as
"Alleeve, the Abdominizer", a super hero who's part pain killer,
part exercise machine. Parents, be suspicious if your child comes home
from school and proudly proclaims, "I had a great day! I just hope
they don't call me back for further questioning.
A rouge mob
of Andian Sherpa's will try and sell you stock in an escalator company that is
trying to build an escalator on Mt. Everest. A health matter could come
to your attention as you find a family of four living in your coat pocket.
Relax and recharge your batteries today, take some old Energizers to the
store and buy them with your credit card a second time. You must start
thinking for loved ones, take all of their money and invest in a fig
plantation.
Today, find
out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a navel orange. Avoid guys
wearing 3-d x-ray glasses, as you may be filled with the sudden urge to mingle
with prison inmates who are serving time for comic book embezzlement. Now
is the time to market your idea to supply toupee's to bald tires. Emphasis
on finances, romance and slipping jerky treats into loved moms halibut
casserole.
Today is the
day to lay it on the line, your relationships, your career, your laundry.
Most of your day should be spent at the city zoo knitting turtleneck
sweaters for the entire giraffe colony. A business deal you once had high
hopes for falls through as you finally come to your senses and realize that the
world is not quite ready for bullet-proof ice-cube trays. The evening
hours should center around in-laws, home maintenance, and puppet shows starring
"Leona, the tobacco spitting palm reader.
Start a new
hobby today, perhaps making candles out of Tom Brokaw's spare ear wax.
This week a new love interest will play a key role in today's
activities, as a family physician whispers in your ear, "turn your head
and cough." This afternoon, re-tile your bathtub with blueberry
pop-tarts.
Today is the
day to finally reward yourself with a soothing flea bath . Prepare
yourself by scrawling "Fido" on your belly with a crayon and putting
a plate of milk bones near the tub. When your bath is done, run naked
through the dog pound whistling the theme from Lassie. Remember to let
yourself out every half hour.
Spotlight on
on finances, relatives, and charity work with "mufflers for
mother-in-laws." Money comes from an unusual source....mainly
royalties from your "Eat Yourself Thin with Cheeze Whiz" diet video.
Challenge a friend to floss their teeth with chicken wire. Love is on the
rebound as you meet and fall in love with the editor of Field and Stream
magazine. You'll spend a passionate evening polishing your fly rods.
You'll find
yourself doing a lot of partying today! When you recover, focus on
focusing. Find out how many times you can say the word redundant.
In the afternoon hours, set fire to your sofa and leave it on an isolated
stretch of rural highway, then drop bags of marshmellos from a helicopter and
invite street people and hitchhikers to enjoy!
Today, take
a bus downtown and exchange baby pictures and hats sizes with as many riders as
possible. During the evening hours, wallpaper your upstairs bathroom with used
coffee filters. You're in a melancholy mood today, so carve your initials
in a melon or a collie. Avoid any insurance salesman named Sigmund.
Today play a
prank on a local fast food outlet. Walk in, order food and when they ask
whether you would like your food for here, or to go, tell them you'd like it
"to go here". Also today, join the Cleveland Leaf Blower Club.
Not really for the excitement of leaf blowing, but for the great people
you meet. Today, ask someone on the street if they know what time it is, if
they don't know, show them your watch, laugh loudly and then walk away.
Ladies,
today is the day to dress up in a meter maid outfit and frisk young attractive
men for slugs. Bad news arrives today as your plastic surgeon calls and
says that your "buddy Hackett, I love Vegas tattoo will not be able to be
removed. If relocation is in you future, make sure you settle down in a
city that has no vowels.
Freak out
your kids today, use the remote control for the T.V. set to change your
personality. Today brings romance into your life as Mr. Goodwrench adjusts your
points, however draw the line at frequent valve jobs and constant rear end
adjustments. Remember, no man is an island, except Rodger Ebert when he
goes swimming.
Today is a
good day to find yourself. If you can't find yourself, find someone who
looks like you and trade recipes and an old pair of loafers. In the later
evening hours build a wall between you and your neighbor made entirely of
pound cake and cream cheese. Contemplate going to Canada, using a postage
stamp machine and returning home.
Today is a
good day to avoid playing tetherball with William Shatner's hairdresser.
Spotlight on romance, creativity and low calorie hamster chew sticks.
Call us a retirement home and convince several residents that Social
Security checks will now be prorated on the basis of how many liver spots they
have.
Today, an
acquaintance will be envious over your recent appearance on the cover of The
Enquirer, in which you claim that aliens are living among us and selling Ginsu
knives at state fairs. Today is a good day to go to the furniture store
and ask if the have an occasional piece. In the evening hours use
binoculars to watch your neighbors wife, better yet use them to watch your
wife. The time is right to call the curator of a local museum and claim
that the sistine chapel is really an elaborate paint-by-numbers project.
Finding the
real you is today's project, if you have trouble finding the real you, check
your T.V. set, the hue should be next to the vertical hold. Your son will
let you know today that he wishes to refered to as "Bill the bunion
man." Good news ladies, your husband is going to attend a swap meet
and pick up some romantic feelings. Men stay away from women who
refer to you as "sweat pig, farm animal from peru."
Get the
nerve up to talk to a major studio executive and pitch that blockbuster movie
idea of yours...."Primetime Live: The Movie". Beware, you'll be
prone to nightmares today, particularly a recurring dream about you and Brooke
Shields getting a TV series together. Do something good for the
environment today, recycle Tom Arnold's career one more time.
Today, a
close friend will be completely swallowed by a liposuction machine. You
will inherit their entire estate, which consists of a small package of unused
Q-tips and a large ball of barbershop hair. Your social life will be
hampered today as your answering machine will develop a speech impediment,
giving no one a chance to leave a message. For the remainder of the week your
balance will be thrown off as your left inner ear is on jury duty.
Focus your
energies today on health care, automobile maintenance, and filling your
neighbors tool shed with peach pits. Your worst fears may be confirmed
today when you learn that a loved one has been carrying on a secret love affair
with a Black and Decker air compressor. Sometime tonight, you'll have a
brush with the occult as the spirit of Moe from the 3 Stooges invades your home
and pokes everyone at your dinner party in the eye.
Be prepared
for major changes in your life today. You'll receive shocking news that
your spouse has run off with a cabbage salesman named Zeke. This
traumatic news is offset by the surprise announcement that your bedroom has
been chosen as the next site for the all-star truck and tractor pull.
Gemini, cancer and painters with dripping brushes figure prominently
today.
Your
adventurous side flourishes today. You'll begin the exciting day by
flying to Mount Everest and attempting to scale it by wearing only a baseball
cap and a broad smile. Your flair for the dangerous leads you to promoter Don
King's house, where you attempt to get past the guards by claiming you have an
emergency hair mousse delivery. Pisces, virgo and shoe salesmen with lost
soles figure prominently in all phases of your life today.
Today is the
day to explore your untapped psychic abilities, perform a seance in an effort
to contact the dead career of 70s superstar Barry Manilow. Your amazing
ability to bend spoons with your mind astounds onlookers but ticks off restaurant
owners. Later today, publicly announce that you have predicted last night Lotto
numbers 10 hours after they were published in the paper.
Your pursuit
of higher education continues today as you enroll in a "wood carving for
fun and profit class. You'll get high honors for you balsa wood replica
of "Jeopardy" host Alex Trebek shaving his neighbors poodle.
Alex will pay you a visit today at your home, but he'll only stay long
enough to install a Bunn coffee maker and spray for roaches. Don't be
intimidated by overzealous professors, secretaries with steno pads, or big game
hunters with poor eyesight. In the evening hours, suppress your urge to
inject twinkie cream into your neighbors new set of radial tires.
Your focus
today is charity work, long-distance communication, and evinrude mechanics with
noticeable scars. Your artistic talents flourish as you complete you
paint-by-numbers portrait of four eskimo mudwrestlers shopping for throwrugs.
Don't be intimidated by wealthy neighbors, jealous co-workers or dentists
with moldy spit tanks.
Your focus
today is on fresh garlic. Gather as much of it as you can and throw it
into the ocean. If anyone asks you why you are doing this, tell them you
want garlic to be a free creature of planet earth, able to roam around like all
other living beings. Be prepared to explain this same logic to some guys
driving a very special van heading towards a very special hotel. But hey,
everything there is free. Parents, your son may try and build up some
sort of a mental wall today, scale the wall and go find some fresh garlic.
Concentrate
on your financial affairs today. If you are invested in the stock market,
sell your shares in any company that manufactures burnt-out light bulbs.
Finding a good financial advisor is always important, however avoid
anyone who uses tarot cards to predict bond yields. In the afternoon,
introduce your pet bird to the world of finance by lining the cage with
"The Wall Street Journal."
Your
situation at work improves today as that troublesome Rolodex repairman is
forcibly removed from you cubicle. Your boss indicates today that you
will either receive a raise or free access to the office microwave.
Be prepared for a professional setback in the afternoon as your
parking spot is taken away for a while in celebration of asphalt awareness
week.
Today
is the ideal day for bargain hunting. Begin by cruising garage sales
looking for a rare set of Liberace placemats. In the afternoon, spend
hour and hour watching the Home Shopping Channel waiting for those hard to find
Lyle Wagner salt and pepper shakers you've always wanted. Scorpio, Libra
and coffee growers with weak bladders figure prominently.
A nostalgic
mood overcomes you today. Memories flood your mind as you flip through a
photo album and spot a snapshot of you and uncle Ned dropping water balloons on
aunt Berth's bridge club meeting. In the attic, you'll find those old
home movies of you and your date, a box of frozen brine shrimp, going to the
senior prom. Don't be intimidated by co-workers, law enforcement
officers, or antique dealers who worship battery acid.
Your hidden
musical talents blossom today as you win first price in Biff Windman's
Tri-county Kazoo-a-thon. You're awarded a two year kazoo scholarship, 8
dollars in cash, and a small farm animal. This newly discovered talent
leads to T.V. appearances, book offers and complaints from neighbors.
Pieces, Virgo and postal
workers with big plastic bins figure prominently in all phases of your life
today.
Good news
arrives in the mail today, possibly in the form of an affidavit stating that
you're no longer wanted in South Carolina for taking liberties with a road
flare. In the afternoon, set aside some time to explain to friends why
you've commissioned a world famous retro 70's artist to sketch a mural of
Charles Nelson-Rielly in your living room. Don't be intimidated by
authority figures, distant relatives or midgets with curling irons.
Tonight
you'll suffer from severe nightmares, possibly involving Peter Jennings in a
leather halter top. Other nightmare include being forced to hold an
intelligent conversation with any member of the cast of Baywatch or being tied
up in front of a television set and being forced to watch the new Tony Danza
sitcom.
An ambitious
project comes your way today as you are asked by the department of the interior
to wrap the state of Idaho in tin foil and baste it over a hot hibachi.
You'll accomplish this task with surprising ease, leaving you with angry
Idahoans but a good sized amount of tasty baked potatoes. Don't embarrass
yourself tonight by calling NASA and pestering them about America's need for
the first manned mission to Phyllis Dillers bedroom.
This is a
day of heartbreak as you are ex-communicated from the local quilt club for your
unlawful use of several bolts of fabrics. You day improves however, as
you receive the news that the adoption papers have been finalized and you are
now the proud parent of a 17-inch circular saw. Be especially careful
today around jealous co-workers, blimps with leaky fuel pumps, and carnival
rides being held together with duct tape.
You focus
today should be on charity, community events and pen pals who seal envelopes
with Poly-grip. In the afternoon, you'll be asked to audition for a role
in an upcoming stage play which chronicles the life of a schizophrenic safecraker
who can only count up to four. Wake up and smell the coffee today, just
don't get your nose to far into the first layer of foam.
Today would
be a great day to re-name a national park after yourself. Make sure and
go to the park you have named after yourself and remove all the
signs....replace them with new signs that have your full name. Within no time
at all you should be getting the well deserved attention you deserve.
Men, get your business affairs together today, it's a great time to start
your life-long dream of opening a health spa for out of work ventriloquist
dummies. Women, you may find yourself attracted to vinyl couches, see how
long it takes your body to stick to one.
Halloween is
almost here, that means it's time to dig up the un-used candy from last year.
By the way, avoid the debacle that got yourself into trouble last
year....menthol cigarettes are not acceptable halloween candy. Today you
are brimming with creativity....impersonate a large serving of Jell-O and crawl
into the refrigerator. Men, do something macho today, change the oil in
your Harley while smoking a cigar. Women, avoid men who smoke cigars
while changing the oil in their Harley's. May the platypus of delight
find his way to your house.
Men, good
news arrives today as a local women's group votes you the personification of
celibacy. Women, attend a stamp collectors convention wearing only rubber
rainboots and a smile. Make collect calls to people you don't know. You focus
today is on love, romance and meat packers named Troy. Try and hook your cable
T.V. service into you microwave oven so you can watch some hot T.V.
Parents,
your daughter has finally left the nest....she's running off with a rodeo clown
who's got a prison record....don't worry, it's only a copy of the Johnny Cash
hit "Folsom Prison Blues." Women, a fig salesman from Phoenix will
want to move in with you. Who knows, maybe it's time to take the plunge! Donate
your collection of aardvark nerth to the charity of your choice.
Today is a
great day for business. Start your own inanimate furniture rental business.
Remember, furniture you can't see keeps the costs down. A business tax tip:
Bribes to public officials are not deductible. Act on impulse today, if a tear
gas canister comes through your kitchen window, it may be time for a little
self evaluation. Sometime today you may be called upon to perform the Hiemlic
maneuver on a small poodle.
Men, use
common sense today, avoid dating women who smoke cigars. Women, avoid
purchasing perfume from any guy who claims to be related to absolutely no one.
Also, avoid guys who like watching T.V. news in stereo. Sometime
today a cardiologist will steal your heart away. Try and get it back
and then sue for malpractice.
Sometime
today think of a way to surprise your friends and then do it....one way
would be to announce your engagement to Sebastian Cabot ....no word though on
if he's still actually alive. Disappointment will come today as you find
out the ten thousand dollars you invested in a time share isn't what it used to
be. Apparently the time share entails you sharing time with a guy named
Vinnie locked in a steam bath at a spa in Ashtabula, Ohio.
Today would
be a great day to get a new wardrobe, you are short on cash wash all of your
clothes in one load. You'll be able to get that psychedelic look that all
the kids are looking for. While you're at it, why not put the dirty
dishes in the same load, this saves valuable time. Men, always refer to
your girlfriends as babes. Women, always refer to your boyfriends as dudes.
A new love interest may enter your life today....avoid barking like a
dog, drooling, or heavy panting while in the presence of your new love.
Call up the
local bowling alley and and find out why you never see Wink Martindale
polishing the 9-pin with lemon fresh pledge. Today go along with the
ideas of your mate, however draw the line at water wings, goober sandwich
spread and anything sportscaster Marv Albert has tried.
Today
would be a great day to start a diet. Remember, there is no such thing as
diet Cheeze Whiz. Beware of cap drivers who want to massage your toes.
Tell a loved one that the waffle iron in the kitchen is a transmitter to
the planet Pluto. However only on Wednesday's in the evening hours.
Today is a
good day to evaluate priorities, take a moment to find yourself and then borrow
a knit hat from a wandering holyman who thinks the world ended sometime between
the invention of velcro and the bungi cord. Sometime today try and fold a
circular road map. Get to work early and belch the alphabet to your boss.
You may however be out on the street quicker than a sailor on a day pass.
Reminisce
with friend about the time Liz Taylor and you went out and got tattoos.
It wold appear that your love life is about as stable as
a brontosaurus on roller skates. However, don't fear, things should
pick up tonight as you meet an archaeologist with a paleolithic skate key.
Today,
go on your gut feelings, if you can't find someone's gut, rent one.
Sometime today get your finances in order, the bank is starting to take
notice that most of your personal checks are made out to to guys with nicknames
like "The Fist", "Scratch", and "Bones".
Take your collection of Don Ho records to a skeet shooting range and have
some fun.
Today a
midget will appear at your doorstep with two bar stools, a skip rope and a
pamphlet on hypnotism. He introduces himself in a trance and places
himself between the barstool and asks you to skip rope on his chest.
Women, your husband will be arrested today for attempting to rob a bread
shop with a toaster oven. Avoid excessive eating of Pop Tarts.
Your
creative juices flow today, however the world may not be ready for the first
bulletproof clay pigeons. Women, your husband's beer gut will be
declared a state park so expect company soon. However, you may be able to
make a killing on a concession stand and gift shop. Place an overseas
call to anyone in Austria named "Gunter".
September 4,
1997 update
Today is the ideal day for cleaning and organizing. Begin by
sand blasting that crayon drawing of Pat Sajak flossing his teeth off your
kitchen ceiling. If you are pressed for space in your garage, today is
the day to finally throw out those faded 8x10's of Gavin McLeod trying to
organize a bowling league. Gemini's, Leo's and trumpet players with moist
mouthpieces figure prominently in all phases of your life today.
September 3,
1997 update
Turn obstacles into opportunities today. If you're girlfriend says no
to your proposal of marriage, sell yourself to someone who will. If your
boss refuses to give you a raise, sell the office copier at a swap meet for 50
bucks. Find any carpet cleaner who calls himself "The Carpet
Doctor" and sue him for mal-practice. Parents, your son is going to
run amok and hold a can of Cheeze Whiz hostage....sell the T.V. rights to
the highest bidding network. In hindsight, maybe it was a bad idea to
name your son Dorthy. You daughter Bruno will however make the
cheerleading team this year.
Friday,
August 1, 1997
Summer's on the way !! It's time to plan for Summer fun ! Avoid visiting any
tourist attraction that features a " Drive-by Shooting Gallery. "
Don't send your kid to a camp that features lessons on how to jump from a roof
top with an umbrella and a happy thought. Outdoor activities are in order, go
out and purchase the new " Bert Convy Lawn Dart Set. " When traveling
avoid any roadside diner that refers to their food as " Digestive Track,
Gas Producing Stomach Bombs. " Take time to clean your house, it would be
a good idea to rid your house of any or all of your pictures of Ed Asner
laughing so hard he has milk coming through his nose.
Thursday,
July 31, 1997
Today remove the baseboards from your house and nail them to the ceiling.
This way if the Earths gravitational pull goes haywire and your ceiling is now
your floor, your house will still look fashionable. Focus on cleaning up,
today, use William Shatner's hairpiece to clean your oven.
Wednesday,
July 30, 1997
Today is a good day to organize your finances. When collecting receipts,
remember that your donation to " Actors Without Talent " is
deductible. Friends come by this afternoon to admire your rare collection of
placemats celebrating the great ironing boards of Europe. If a backyard cookout
is in your plans, keep in mind that opossum thighs are a taste treat that are
hard to pass up.
Tuesday,
July 29, 1997
Today, don't be intimidated by obnoxious co-workers, feisty in-laws or
leather salesmen named Spike. Men, this week shows a slim chance for finding
new romance. As a matter of fact you've got about as much of a chance at
finding a new love interest as Al Bundy has of making the cover of " Ms.
" Magazine.
Monday, July
28, 1997
Today recreate the love scene from the movie "From Here To
Eternity" by making love to a small clump of seaweed in the local Japanese
food market. Today find out the meaning of the word "the". Your
focus today is on physical therapy, incurable hiccoughs and Elvis impersonators
who list Pee Wee Herman as their greatest influence. Steer clear today of
high places, sharp objects, and Turkish prison guards who encourage inmates to
hang David Hasselhoff pictures in the mess hall..
Friday, July
25, 1997
Today is a good day to tell your relatives that you are now a human rap
machine and are heading out on a world tour with Snoop Doggy Dogg. A
local bridal boutique figures prominently today as your car will crash into it.
You will be jolted by news today that your son is now the lead singer for
a punk band called "Gumby Riot."
Friday, July
25, 1997
You may experience weird dreams tonight, one that involves visions of Mr.
Rodgers dressed as a nun, running around Afghanistan toting an Uzi yelling at
camels. Don't worry your life is at a good point as the local pawn shop gives
you 20 bucks for your health. It looks like it's gonna be a day of
surprise, as an entire busload of convicts breaks into a dance number from
"Guy's and Doll's.
Thursday,
July 24, 1997
Today is a great day for starting your own business. Start by selling
used Tupperware to militant groups through mail order. Bringing home the
bacon brings new meaning today as you daughter marries Kevin Bacon. Take
time to ponder the possibilities of home canning without guilt.
Wednesday,
July 23, 1997
Today is an ideal day to earn extra income. Begin by prowling the
neighborhood and selling damaged appliances to unsuspecting victims. Extra
money will come your way when you win the local Bakery's slogan contest by
entering "Baking bread is the Yeast we can do!" In the afternoon
hours, take advantage of an opportunity to lease out your laundry closet to
singer Andy Williams.
Tuesday,
July 22, 1997
Today is the day to take a chance. Start by calling your bookie and
placing a bet on a horse called "limping Louie". In the
evening hours, jet to Las Vegas and lay a chunk of cash on the number 41 1/2 on
the roulette table. Take time to dust off your collection of Melrose
Place action figures.
Monday, July
21, 1997
Today, attempt to sell your collection of Flintsone drink coasters which can
go for a premium in the right trailer park. If you have some free time,
reminisce with local devil worshipers. You will stop traffic when you attempt
to wallpaper the busiest intersection in town. Fill the trunk of your car with
maple syrup, head to the International House of Pancakes..
Friday, July
18, 1997
Frozen dinners are in your future as you will fall in love with a very
thick salisbury steak. Make sure not to accept any marriage proposals
from anyone with a twitch and claiming to be The Jolly Green Giant.
You'll get the news today that your son is leaving home to join a new
punk rock band called "The Militant Nuns."
Thursday,
July 17, 1997
You'll receive a long distance call today....probably from someone far away.
Earn extra money money by teaching night class at the local Laundromat. Title
your lecture: "Lintballs....the unsung dryer residue". Love romance
and a fetish for unsafe electric can openers are in the picture, so be sure to
destroy the negatives. Fulfill you lifelong dream today....book a flight to Las
Vegas and see the 8 o'clock "Nude On Ice" show.
Wednesday,
July 16, 1997
Arts and crafts are the focal point of your existence today. Begin by
skillfully weaving a wallet out of pickle loaf and stale pasta. If there is a
local arts and crafts fair, make sure to enter your mosaic tile of Maury
Povitch.....avoid embarrassment, don't display you helium paperweight. Avoid
sharp objects, fatty foods and guys trying to sell you pork chops from a set of
lime green sampsonite luggage.
Tuesday,
July 15, 1997
Punctuate you day with an international flair. Begin by climbing onto your
roof and hurling french toast at unsuspecting Volvos. In the afternoon hours,
call as many travel agents as possible and claim to be the Japanese ambassador
looking for a cozy 3 day cruise of Liza Minelli's septic tank. Put down
that bullwhip!....It's going to be a wonderful day!
Monday, July
14, 1997
You are becoming a force in you community, unfortunately it's because of you
large size and it's a gravitational force. Today, stake your claim on all
aspects of life, or at least go to the supermarket and claim you steak . Virgo,
Taurus and baseball umpires with sequined leather chest protectors figure
prominently in all phases of you life today.
Friday, July
11, 1997
A random remark could misfire. For example, don't tell your boss that the
unemployment office is begging for you to come join their team. do things to
revitalize yourself emotionally and physically, attempt to ride an exercise
bike to Cleveland. Continue you quest to separate all the berries from all the
boxes of Captain Crunch at the local supermarket.
Thursday
July 10, 1997
Long distance communication, health care and backed up city sewage tanks
play a major role in your life today. a dear relative has a brush with the law
today as they are booked for suspicion of getting too friendly with a tube of
roll-on deodorant. This evening, your focus is on paperwork, home maintenance,
and having dental work done against your will.
Wednesday
July 9, 1997
Your emphasis this afternoon should be on goals, friendships and designer
bean bag toilets. In the evening hours, you'll receive word that a distant
relative has passed away and left you with a motor home, trailer hitch, and his
set of Mary Hart corn cob holders. Today is the day to stand pat on all your
personal and professional dealings. If you can't stand pat at least stand
Charlie or Fred.
Tuesday July
8, 1997
Your focus today is on strengthening relationships, health care and
needlepoint murals of pro bowlers picking up the 6-10 split. Public recognition
reaches your family today as the local news flashes a composite drawing of a
deadbeat relative. Show concern today for those less fortunate by donating time
and money to any organization that claims to wean people off any nasty Urkel
infatuation.
Monday July
7, 1997
In the morning hours you'll find yourself romantically attracted to oak trees
and large shrubbery. If possible, attend a major league baseball game and
continually throw extra balls onto the filed to enhance the game. Your focus
today is on peace love and obnoxious guys wielding gas powered chain saws.
Sometime today rent an adult film and try to follow the plot.
Friday July
4, 1997
A gang of angry wiener dogs infiltrates your neighborhood. The leader will
sport a Woodstock tattoo and bark with a Brooklyn accent. These are not fitness
crazy wiener dogs as most of them have packs of smokes rolled up in their fur.
After the dogs leave, compare rolls of fat with any phone company employee
named Stan the pole climber.
Thursday
July 3, 1997
Bad news arrives today as your daughter reveals she is addicted to fresh sea
prawn. But the problem is soon solved with just an overnight stay and a couple
of two day follow-ups. Today, realize your true potential and fall in love with
the volume control on your car radio. Summer is in the air so make sure to
harpoon the winnebago across the street.
Wednesday
July 2 , 1997
Today, shave you head and rent out your scalp to a leading tire manufacturer
and have them print their logo on your dome. If you are ridiculed by friends
and family, sprint to the nearest manhole and recite the preamble to the
constitution. Tell your boss today that you would like to be called a
"military strongman". In the afternoon hours, climb to your roof and
throw stale pretzel sticks at foreign helicopters.
Tuesday July
1, 1997
Ladies, convert your hair curler into an all purpose airport signal flare.
Men, today rub your body against any oak tree you can find, if you cant find
any oak trees, rub your body against a blue Dodge Coronet. Have fun absorbing
things with pink fiberglass insulation. Use you electric bug zapper to light
dinner candles. Cover your body with a relief map of Madagascar and go to the
grocery store pretending that nothing is wrong. Use a slingshot to launch Jell-o
molds over your backyard fence.
Monday June
30, 1997
Newsweek. Focus is on finding out whatever happened to blimps. Backhoe your
3 car garage, and then plant romaine lettuce. Jerry Springer could pose
problems today, as he profiles you and your family, make sure dress like
trailer trash, it always makes the show more exciting. Men with
lubrication tools figure prominently.
Friday June
27, 1997
Long overdue recognition by your peers is in the stars today as your as your
boss rewards your hard work with your own parking space. Unfortunately it's in
front of a fire hydrant and your car is towed by mid-afternoon. Focus this
evening on long term goals, short term goals, and soccer goals. Your budding
tap dance career comes to a tragic end today as unexpected bunions force you to
cancel your scheduled tap dance interpretation of "Roget's Thesaurus."