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The Funny Firm - Thursday 3/27/08
An Oregon man claims to be five months pregnant. KATU-TV reports the man first made the revelation in an article he wrote for a website where he included a picture of himself. Thomas Beatie says he used to be a woman, but kept his female reproductive organs following a sex change operation. He says he and his wife are expecting a baby girl in July. *…And of course an appearance on the Jerry Springer show a week later. (Mark Wheeler)
Sean "Diddy" Combs has settled a lawsuit against him. TMZ.com reports Gerard Rechnitzer filed the legal action last year. He claimed the hip-hop mogul assaulted him without warning at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, and claims Combs pushed his girlfriend and tried to spit on another woman in the parking lot. *No word on if he plans to change his name to Sean “Spitty“ Combs. (Paul Dudley)
Folks are waiting for their tax rebate checks coming this May. When did we ever have folks cheering for the IRS? (Gil Stern)
Pamela Anderson's marriage to Rick Solomon is officially annulled. Solomon sought annulment on the basis of what he called 'fraud.' *It's so rare to hear a word that means 'fake' in connection with a Pamela Anderson story. (Eggman)
A brain-reading headset that can detect thoughts and expressions will sell for $299. *Obviously, the first thing it will detect about the owner is that they are a gullible moron for spending $299 on a brain-reading headset. (Jim Barach)
A study says cell phones may cause tumors in the salivary gland. *There's no more sure way to get your wife suspicious than when you start salivating when you use your cell phone. (Jim Barach)
A Pennsylvania man sold one of the world's largest record collections for $3 Million on eBay. *The buyer now is trying to figure out where he can get a record player to actually listen to some of them. (Jim Barach)
Stanford will stop charging admission to students of parents who make less than $100,000 a year. *In other words, everyone will be treated like an athlete. (Jim Barach)
Heather Mills McCartney has announced she's been hired by Donald Trump to judge his Miss USA pageant in April. She's the perfect choice. *Last year's winner had a cocaine problem and this year the pageant's theme is gold digging. (Argus Hamilton)
Las Vegas, Nevada officials are asking to submit suggestions for naming the city's Triple A baseball team. *Entries so far include "The Pit Bosses," "The One Armed Bandits," and "The Green Felt Sox." (Bob Mills)
A tree in Cape Meares, Oregon has been declared the state's "Champion Sitka," based on height, circumference and canopy. *The panel of judges was made up of a park ranger, a professional arborist, and a dog. (Bob Mills)
Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey animal Welfare officers took 57 rabbits into custody after the elderly man who bred them confessed that he became "overwhelmed." *Police theorize that one of them somehow learned how to order Viagra on line. (Bob Mills)
The Funny Firm - Wednesday 3/26/08
Britney Spears fans are taking advantage of the chance to bid on the designer clothes she wore on the recent episode of the CBS comedy "How I Met Your Mother." Items include a Nanette Lepore Embroidered Rust Dress and a Juicy Couture Silk Printed Dress. The auction for charity runs through March 31st. *As expected, no underwear up for auction. (Rick Fancy)
The FAA is investigating two pilots of “Go! Airlines” in Hawaii who may have fallen asleep at the controls. *Apparently it happened during that drowsy time between Happy Hour and Last Call. (Jim Barach)
A judge says a "hot fuel" lawsuit may proceed which accuses oil companies of overcharging for gasoline when the weather is warm. *The oil companies dispute the claim, saying they overcharge in all kinds of weather. (Jim Barach)
Scientists are studying a Wisconsin man who can remember events from virtually every day for the past 40 years. *Of course, being a man the only thing he can't remember is his wife's birthday. (Jim Barach)
Ralph Nader says he is running for President as an independent. *He is an independent because nobody else in the country is supporting him this time. (Jim Barach)
According to the Oregon Urology Institute, more men choose to get a vasectomy during March Madness than at any other time of the year. The two to four days men need to recover from the procedure is the perfect excuse for staying home and watching the NCAA tournament. *This also explains the annual jump in March sales for chips, beer, and frozen peas. (Jerry Wolski)
The Los Angeles Times reports that the final Harry Potter book will be split into two films. *The first one will be called "Blockbuster" and the last will be called "Bigger Blockbuster." (Jerry Wolski)
Israeli billionaire Yitzhak Tshuva has gotten the green light to build a $6 billion casino on the Strip in Las Vegas, Nevada. *“Moses Palace” will include a hotel, a showroom and a wailing wall for the losers. (Bob Mills)
In Ringe, New Hampshire fifteen 80-foot pine trees were destroyed in a snow storm that slammed into the Altar of the Nations at the Cathedral of the Pines. *Renamed the Cathedral of the Stumps. (Bob Mills)
Las Vegas bus tours began showing homes and hangouts of the mobsters who built the strip fifty years ago. It was a risky venture. *The hotels lost a lot of money at blackjack because in those days the Los Angeles schools taught people how to count. (Argus Hamilton)
Charlie Rose hosted his PBS show with black eyes last week after he tripped and fell in New York while carrying a new computer. He sacrificed his face to save his MacBook. *The hospital logged it under accidents that will never happen in Los Angeles. (Argus Hamilton)
The Baseball Players Union vowed to investigate why no team has offered Barry Bonds a contract this year. The teams want to see how his federal trial comes out. *The next home run Barry Bonds hits could be shot by prison guards for trying to escape. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Tuesday 3/25/08
"American Idol" contestant Kristy Lee Cook now has a sandwich named after her. TMZ.com reports that fans can now get a taste of the "Kristy Lee Special" at Rosso's Delicatessen in Grants Pass, Oregon. Cook waitressed at the deli prior to her current stint on "American Idol". *It’s somewhat pointless really, if you’ve seen Kristy Lee Cook on the show, she clearly hasn’t had a sandwich in years. (Mark Wheeler)
*The "Kristy Lee Special" isn’t the first sandwich named after an American Idol contestant. If you remember just a few years ago, the rage at delicatessens was the “Studdard Rueben”. (Mark Wheeler)
Former 'Dr. Death' Jack Kevorkian has announced he's running for Congress. Kevorkian was convicted of second-degree murder and spent eight years in prison. *He's killed people and spent 8 years in the slammer - yep, he's qualified to be a politician, all right. (Eggman)
Heather Mills offered to tell talk shows about her marriage to Paul McCartney and her future career plans. She could be a counselor. *She was last seen on a Sacramento River bank encouraging the gold diggers to put their shoulders into it. (Argus Hamilton)
Warren Buffett will play himself on All My Children in May. He visits Erica in prison and tells her how to get out of an insider trading conviction. *They write these scripts so far ahead of time that people were making money in the stock market. (Argus Hamilton)
The Dow Jones average has moved up and down as the Federal Reserve moved to cheapen the dollar further by lowering interest rates. It didn't help gas prices. *The Arabs are not impressed with America's new paper-for-oil program. (Argus Hamilton)
Twenty-five year-old David Wilson of Salt Lake City, Utah is charged with biting his 68-year-old grandmother while they were watching “Silence of the Lambs.” *Wilson’s lawyer blames too much Chianti with his fava beans. (Bob Mills)
In Eastpointe, Michigan, someone stole a $3000, six-foot costume shaped like a pint of Guinness stout from a beer distributor who used it for promotion. *Police immediately set up roadblocks since in Eastpointe; it’s considered a DUI to drive while dressed as a beer. (Bob Mills)
An experiment with virtual teachers shows they outperform real teachers. *The only problem is that kids are now going on line with them to have sex. (Jim Barach)
The British Medical Association is urging higher taxes on alcohol, banning Happy hour and lowering blood alcohol levels for DUI laws. *This could cause a split between the English and the Irish that may never be healed. (Jim Barach)
The makers of Enzyte male enhancement drug have been convicted of fraud. *Just think how the customers feel. Not just inadequate, but gullible too. (Jim Barach)
*The company's advertising persona "Smiling Bob" won't be smiling when he goes to jail and sees the other inmates have all been taking Enzyte. (Jim Barach)
The Funny Firm - Monday
3/24/08
Researchers say money can buy happiness but there is a catch. You have to spend it on someone else. The University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School studied 600 volunteers and found that those who spend money on others reported greater happiness. *So that's why Elliot Spitzer gave thousands of dollars to a woman he didn't even know. (Paul Dudley)
In Los Angeles, a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from a restaurant. *To add insult to injury, the horizontal stripes on his prison outfit will add 100 more pounds. (Paul Dudley)
Corsicana, Texas sheriff’s deputies charged over 200 people with gambling at a clandestine cockfighting arena that featured bleacher seating, and overhead lighting. *Sad thing was the concession stand offered hot wings from some of the losers. (Bob Mills)
In Talent, Oregon three teenagers were treated at a local hospital for hemlock poisoning. *Needless to say, the Talent High School production of McBeth has been cancelled. (Bob Mills)
A Long Island, New York fire captain was convicted of DUI after he drove his fire engine into a utility pole following a parade. *On a brighter note, he saved a cat stuck on the pole. (Bob Mills)
The start of baseball season is just around the corner and the Florida Marlins are putting together a cheer leading squad of plus-sized men. *Otherwise known as Marlins fans. (Jim Barach)
The number of Americans giving up golf is increasing. *The sad part is that it's mostly people on the PGA tour who are conceding everything to Tiger Woods. (Jim Barach)
A report says that food and fuel costs are eroding workers real earnings. *With the soaring cost of gasoline and the amount of food Americans eat, it's no wonder people can't afford other expenses, like mortgages. (Jim Barach)
The Sharper Image has filed for bankruptcy. *The company's CEO signed the papers with a $500 solid gold pen with a leather grip and GPS device and mp3 player. (Jim Barach)
Heather Mills was awarded forty-nine million dollars for her divorce from Paul McCartney, which came out to fourteen hundred an hour for their four-year marriage. The decision was easy for the judge. *He simply called New York and got the going rate. (Argus Hamilton)
The Wall Street Journal reported gold prices are so high that gold prospectors have returned to California rivers and creeks. They stand knee-deep and pan for gold. *The Bear Stearns employees had no idea that alligator shoes were not waterproof. (Argus Hamilton)
Princess Diana's butler Paul Burrell was accused during the Princess Diana inquest of stealing the engagement ring off her finger after she died. No one can believe it. *It only took Eliot Spitzer a week to move up to second-lowest man on this planet. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Friday 3/21/08
Actress Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will reportedly add not one, but two children to their brood this year. According to "In Touch" magazine, the Hollywood couple is expecting boy and girl twins. The couple is also reportedly planning to move the entire family to France for the birth. *Well thank goodness the new Boeing 787 carries 330 passengers. (Mark Wheeler)
The Hadaka Japanese Restaurant in West Hollywood, California will serve sushi at private parties on a naked woman for an extra $1500. *If they really want to sell sushi on a naked body in West Hollywood, they may want to think about using a different gender. (Rick Fancy)
*They also offer the “Spitzer Sampler” for $80,000. (Bob Mills)
A bill is moving through the Minnesota State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. *It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport men’s rooms where they belong. (Bob Mills)
Clearfield City, Utah’s new Aquatic Center has an $88,000 ultraviolet sanitation system to guard against waterborne parasites. Just their luck. *Now water comes with antibiotics already in it. (Bob Mills)
NASA’s Langley Research Center is designing a parachute system that will whisk space shuttle crews to safety in the event of a problem on the launch pad. Like, for instance, a jilted lover suddenly attacks her successful rival and -- nah, too farfetched. (Bob Mills)
The study says the older population in the U.S. will double by 2050, to 81 Million. *That means that the number one show on TV will more than likely be reruns of "Matlock". (Jim Barach)
A Japanese astronaut will wear boxer shorts on a space mission to test their comfort. *Comfort is an issue, but sometimes you need to keep the lunar unit from orbiting. (Jim Barach)
A study says that zigzagging is the fastest way to get up a hill. *Of course Mr. Zigzag has been the preferred way for many people to reach a certain height. (Jim Barach)
Bill Gates says use of the keyboard with computers may eventually be replaced by touch screens or voice commands. *This is the dream of every guy with online porn capability. (Jim Barach)
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel last week. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. *If gas gets any more expensive we're going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp. (Argus Hamilton)
Parliament passed a law last week that will impose new sin taxes on the British population. It's now really expensive to buy alcohol, smoke tobacco, and drive gas-guzzling cars. *Is it any wonder why Prince Harry wants to go back to Afghanistan? (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush vetoed a bill to ban torturing detainees last week. The momentum has swung over to his side. *Now that it's been discovered there are mood-enhancing drugs in American drinking water, prisoners are demanding the right to be waterboarded. (Argus Hamilton)
Researchers say money can buy happiness but there is a catch. You have to spend it on someone else. The University of British Columbia and Harvard Business School studied 600 volunteers and found that those who spend money on others reported greater happiness. *So that's why Elliot Spitzer gave thousands of dollars to a woman he didn't even know. (Paul Dudley)
In Los Angeles, a 500-pound man was arrested for stealing food from a restaurant. *To add insult to injury, the horizontal stripes on his prison outfit will add 100 more pounds. (Paul Dudley)
Corsicana, Texas sheriff’s deputies charged over 200 people with gambling at a clandestine cockfighting arena that featured bleacher seating, and overhead lighting. *Sad thing was the concession stand offered hot wings from some of the losers. (Bob Mills)
In Talent, Oregon three teenagers were treated at a local hospital for hemlock poisoning. *Needless to say, the Talent High School production of McBeth has been cancelled. (Bob Mills)
A Long Island, New York fire captain was convicted of DUI after he drove his fire engine into a utility pole following a parade. *On a brighter note, he saved a cat stuck on the pole. (Bob Mills)
The start of baseball season is just around the corner and the Florida Marlins are putting together a cheer leading squad of plus-sized men. *Otherwise known as Marlins fans. (Jim Barach)
The number of Americans giving up golf is increasing. *The sad part is that it's mostly people on the PGA tour who are conceding everything to Tiger Woods. (Jim Barach)
A report says that food and fuel costs are eroding workers real earnings. *With the soaring cost of gasoline and the amount of food Americans eat, it's no wonder people can't afford other expenses, like mortgages. (Jim Barach)
The Sharper Image has filed for bankruptcy. *The company's CEO signed the papers with a $500 solid gold pen with a leather grip and GPS device and mp3 player. (Jim Barach)
Heather Mills was awarded forty-nine million dollars for her divorce from Paul McCartney, which came out to fourteen hundred an hour for their four-year marriage. The decision was easy for the judge. *He simply called New York and got the going rate. (Argus Hamilton)
The Wall Street Journal reported gold prices are so high that gold prospectors have returned to California rivers and creeks. They stand knee-deep and pan for gold. *The Bear Stearns employees had no idea that alligator shoes were not waterproof. (Argus Hamilton)
Princess Diana's butler Paul Burrell was accused during the Princess Diana inquest of stealing the engagement ring off her finger after she died. No one can believe it. *It only took Eliot Spitzer a week to move up to second-lowest man on this planet. (Argus Hamilton)
The Funny Firm - Friday 3/21/08
Actress Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will reportedly add not one, but two children to their brood this year. According to "In Touch" magazine, the Hollywood couple is expecting boy and girl twins. The couple is also reportedly planning to move the entire family to France for the birth. *Well thank goodness the new Boeing 787 carries 330 passengers. (Mark Wheeler)
The Hadaka Japanese Restaurant in West Hollywood, California will serve sushi at private parties on a naked woman for an extra $1500. *If they really want to sell sushi on a naked body in West Hollywood, they may want to think about using a different gender. (Rick Fancy)
*They also offer the “Spitzer Sampler” for $80,000. (Bob Mills)
A bill is moving through the Minnesota State House that will ban convicted sex offenders from using My Space and Face Book. *It’s Minnesota’s effort to get sex offenders off the internet and back into airport men’s rooms where they belong. (Bob Mills)
Clearfield City, Utah’s new Aquatic Center has an $88,000 ultraviolet sanitation system to guard against waterborne parasites. Just their luck. *Now water comes with antibiotics already in it. (Bob Mills)
NASA’s Langley Research Center is designing a parachute system that will whisk space shuttle crews to safety in the event of a problem on the launch pad. Like, for instance, a jilted lover suddenly attacks her successful rival and -- nah, too farfetched. (Bob Mills)
The study says the older population in the U.S. will double by 2050, to 81 Million. *That means that the number one show on TV will more than likely be reruns of "Matlock". (Jim Barach)
A Japanese astronaut will wear boxer shorts on a space mission to test their comfort. *Comfort is an issue, but sometimes you need to keep the lunar unit from orbiting. (Jim Barach)
A study says that zigzagging is the fastest way to get up a hill. *Of course Mr. Zigzag has been the preferred way for many people to reach a certain height. (Jim Barach)
Bill Gates says use of the keyboard with computers may eventually be replaced by touch screens or voice commands. *This is the dream of every guy with online porn capability. (Jim Barach)
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil reach a new high of a hundred ten dollars a barrel last week. It caused gasoline to hit four dollars a gallon on each coast. *If gas gets any more expensive we're going to have to book our fill-ups through a pimp. (Argus Hamilton)
Parliament passed a law last week that will impose new sin taxes on the British population. It's now really expensive to buy alcohol, smoke tobacco, and drive gas-guzzling cars. *Is it any wonder why Prince Harry wants to go back to Afghanistan? (Argus Hamilton)
President Bush vetoed a bill to ban torturing detainees last week. The momentum has swung over to his side. *Now that it's been discovered there are mood-enhancing drugs in American drinking water, prisoners are demanding the right to be waterboarded. (Argus Hamilton)
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