THE QUOTABLE MIKE LOGAN



The Reaper's Helper

(to LA cop on phone): "Oh, an open homicide investigation? What do you think we're doing? Getting cats out of trees?"

"Hey, FAX you!"

Greevey: "Do you think a lot of cops are gay?"
Logan: "No way, man. The Department's got a special test. They look you in the eye, and if your left eye blinks before your right eye, they know you're gay." [winks with left eye]

Everybody's Favorite Bagman

"Max, that really frosts my cookies."

[Scene: Maggie gets out of police cruiser. Logan + Greevey pull up, Logan slips the siren on her. Logan and Maggie meet each other on the sidewalk; Maggie has gotten Logan a meeting with a furrier.]
Maggie: "So, is this good for a dinner?"
Logan (smirks, puts hands in pocket): "Well that depends on what dinner's good for."
Maggie: "Ohhhhhh. Well, let's put it this way: you don't have a chance in hell without it."
Logan: "Very cold, Maggie."
Maggie smiles lasciviously: "Light my fire."
Logan walks--no, struts--wordlessly away.

Indifference

(speaking of his mother and women like her): "You give her sympathy, she's going to want a fight; you give her a fight, and she's going to want a kiss; you give her a kiss, and I swear to God she'll bite your tongue out."

"Everything's a mirror to her. She holds a dying child up to it and all she sees is how it affects her."

Prisoner of Love

"So let me get this straight -- you almost go home with this guy who photographs people in sadistic poses with chains -- and you're *tempted* -- but there's something about him you don't trust??"

Out of the Half-Light

Greevey: "You still dragging things home?"
Logan [gesturing hands as if breasts]: "Hey, this one's REALLY smart."

The Violence of Summer

[Scene: Logan sifting through area under stairwell and picking out items with salad tongs]
Greevey: "Remind me never to eat at your house."
Logan: "They're perfectly good tongs. You think I'm going to throw them away?"

Torrents of Greed (I & II)

Logan: "So it's about 3 am... I wake up to the sound of barking."
Greevey: "This one has a dog?"
Logan: "I wish. I ask her 'What's going on?'. She says 'Cockroaches'."
Greevey: "Cockroaches that bark?"
Logan: "That's what I said! She said the exterminator was a bust so she got a gecko. It's a lizard, some kind of Gila monster from Brazil or something, I dunno."
Greevey: "And it eats roaches?"
Logan: "Down to the last drop. Barks when it's hungry."

Pilefsky: "You're bluffing!"
Logan: "Yeah, we'd be real upset if something happened to a piece of crap like you."

[Scene: police digging up NJ mob cemetery]
Stone: "What have we got?"
Logan: "Masucci's greatest hits."

Logan to Stone, after straightening up Beigal's fedora and putting it on the body: "Your witness, counsellor."

[Scene: Greevey and Logan go into club to look for Mascuci.]
Owner: "He's not here."
Logan: "Pardon me if we think you're full of it."

[Scene: after sister hits Mascuci]
Logan: "I *like* that woman!"
Greevey: "You would."

Mushrooms

"That little freak makes more in 40 minutes than I make all year."

The Secret Sharers

"It's just like the Gospels -- four guys telling the same story and they're all different."

Greevey: "I don't want to see this guy without backup."
Logan: "I don't want to see him without nuclear weapons!"

The Serpent's Tooth

"If you'd given me a shotgun while my mom was slamming me against a wall, I would've blown her head off -- but my father? Not even if he caught me killing the old lady."

The Troubles

Greevey [to Spanish-speaking perp]: "Yo sabe que muerto Mustafa?"
Perp, laughing: "*Tu* sabes que *tu* muertes Mustafa?"
Greevey: "No, *YO* sabe o yo muerto!"
Logan [to Greevey]: "I think 'yo' means 'I'. You're saying 'I killed Mustafa.'"
{must see Logan's sheepish expression for full impact}

Logan [looking at Arabic fax]: "Looks like a break-dancing chicken wrote this!"

Sonata for a Solo Organ

[Scene: Logan and Greevey have just found out the guy's kidney has been stolen]
Logan: "Talk about having your pocket picked."

[Scene: Logan and Greevey interviewing the victim in the hospital]
"Do you remember anything about the...[Logan has a confused look as he searches for the right word]...mugging?"

The Ways of Love

Logan: "Is [his wife] blond, about 30?"
Woman: "She's blond, but if Melanie's 30 I'm Vanilla Ice."
Ceretta: "Who?"
Logan to Ceretta: "It wasn't the wife."

Asylum

Old woman: "Night before last there was a naked man with a crossbow running up and down W. 74th Street."
Logan: "Where did he keep the arrows?"

Misconceptions

Doctor: "Some women sneeze too hard and it causes a miscarriage. Others run a triathalon and everything's hunkey-dorey."
Logan: "What's that, a medical term?"

[Scene: Logan has told Cerreta that when he was driving a cab back in college, he'd sometimes park outside Janie Meyers' house and leave the meter running, then pay the fare when he was "done".]
Cerreta: "So, that'd be what, 2 or 3 dollars?"
Logan (with big grin): "More like to Jersey and back."

Out of Control

Olivet: "Is it just me, or do you have a problem with all women who have triple digit IQs?"
Mikey (with irresistible grin): "You're the only one I know, Doc."

Renunciation

Phil: "The DMV says there are 24,000 Mercedeses in the city. Did we miss something in the go-go 80s?"
Logan: "Speak for yourself, big daddy. *I* had a *great* time." [priceless facial expression]

Coffer: "Hey, I'm a lover, not a killer."
Logan: "I'm happy for you, Romeo. You know, I bet there's a couple guys up in Attica who'd love your company." [must see for delivery]

Logan [to Coffer]: "Tell ya what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna put you in a lineup, and if either one of 'em picks you out, you're *toast*."

Severance

"Maybe Mr. Plowhorse was dunking his donut in someone else's coffee."

Blood is Thicker...

[Scene: Phil and Mikey coming out of store speculating on how Ryder would expect finding the body in a seedy area of town would close the case.]
Mike: "My ass. Case open."

"Come on, who cares about the religion of the guy your wife is boffing?"

Vengeance

[Have to see delivery for maximum effect. Scene: Logan questioning an accused serial killer.]
"You know what I want to know? Why'd you switch from ties to electrical cord? Did that work better?"

The Working Stiff

"I guess the moment's over."

Skin Deep

Forensics technician: "You've got a very well-mannered killer. She let him put his clothes on first."
Logan: "I'm sure he was grateful."

"Most people, you fight, *then* you have sex."

O'Hara: "OK, a lotta guys will pay big bucks to see a girl from the swimsuit issue without her swimsuit."
Logan: "So he could slip into something more comfortable?"

Logan [to Paul]: "Whaddaya want, a videotape of her boffing the guy and then sticking the scissors in his back?"

[Scene: Mike & Phil are going over lists of prostitute-models.]
Phil: "This one goes for $750-1000."
Mikey: "She presses your pants when she's done."

Forgiveness

[Scene: Cerreta and Logan, in examining a suspect's room, find high school awards on the wall. Phil asks Mike whether he got any awards in high school.]
Logan: "First prize, multiple dress code violations."

Helpless

"She's been raped?...Why do *I* feel like I need shower?"

Logan: "I think your esteemed colleague screwed up--now you cover his rectum, he covers yours."

Prince of Darkness

(To Cerreta, after interviewing a restaurant full of witnesses): "He came in from the kitchen...no, he came in from the back....no, no, he came down from heaven on a silver chariot!"

Lawyer: "Come on, it's a dinky federal charge."
Logan: "And we can get him a dinky federal cell."

Right to Counsel

Stone: "Read Mr. Doyle his rights."
Logan: "An attorney? My pleasure."

Securitate

Briscoe: "What's Rumanian for you're under arrest?"
Iliescu: "This is a mistake."
Logan: "Gee, sounds just like English."

Manhood

"You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. And if you move funny, I'll blow your head off!"

Black Tie

[Scene: Profaci is collecting for a charity walk and asks Logan to feel his leg (to prove he can walk the distance).]
Logan: "Hey, Profaci, don't ask, don't tell."

Profile

Woman: "You pray, you know the enemy of God."
Briscoe: "Oh...Satan...El Diablo?"
Logan: "Great. Let's book 'im."

Pride and Joy

Social worker: "She's angry and taking it out on herself."
Logan: "Don't we all." [priceless facial expression]

Apocrypha

Logan: " .... and then he fills their minds with a bunch of crap."
Briscoe: "You sure it's crap?"
Logan: "Hey, my mother used to hold a rosary in one hand while she beat the crap out me with the other. The next time I'm in a church, six of my closest buddies will be carrying me."

American Dream

"Let's give this one to Profaci and give him something to do besides the donut run."

Mayhem

[Scene: Detectives and uniformed officers have arrived on the scene of an assault--a woman has severed her husband's penis.]
Cop: "That'll make you keep it in your pants."
Logan: "Let's keep looking...."
Cop: "What'll we do when we find it?"
Logan: "Put it on a leash and walk it down to St. Vincent's."

[Scene: penis is found outside in a snowbank, obviously thrown from the window]
Logan: "Let's tack on littering, too."

Logan: "Put down the burrito, senor."
Perp: "You die!"
Logan: "Only if I eat that thing."

Doubles

Tennis coach: "There's a million kooks out there."
Logan: "And that's not counting the other 4 boroughs."

Coma

Briscoe: "Hey, if I open an account over there, I get free checking and a toaster."
Logan: "A two slice or a four slice?"
Briscoe: "Four slice. And if I deposit 50 grand, I get a vcr."
Logan: "Hey, if you deposit 50 grand, I'm calling Internal Affairs."

Blue Bamboo

Briscoe: "Here--I got you tuna on white. They were all out of blowfish."
Logan: "Arigato, baby."

White Rabbit

Briscoe: "What was the FBI doing in 1971?"
Logan: "Buying feather boas for J. Edgar Hoover?"

Progeny

"Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."

Performance

[Scene: Briscoe & Logan watch snuff film brought in by citizen. Camera on L&B as we hear screams coming from the TV.]
Briscoe: "Think she's acting?"
[BANG!]
Logan: "Nope."

"Where were their *parents*?"

Tatoo artist: "I did a real good job with that one. It'll last her the rest of her life."
Logan: "It already did."

Logan: "What was the old tape? Gang Bang Granny?"

Wannabe

Van Buren: "He did what for a living?"
Logan (gravely): "Very dangerous work. He was an accountant."

Act of God

Logan to Gastin after Gastin said he took Chappel's promises to finish the project at face value: "You'd be very popular at our weekly poker games."

"Your wife was sharpening someone else's pencil."

Pali: "I couldn't sleep--I went for a walk."
Logan: "Well, that either makes you the luckiest son-of-a-bitch that ever lived or you've been lying to us all along."

Cruel and Unusual

Logan: "Do I need a union rep?"
IAD guy: "You can have one if you want one."
Logan: "Yeah, and I can touch my knee with my elbow if I want to, but that's not what I'm asking."

Anita: "If you thought your kid was being abused what would you do?"
Logan: "This is America--I'd sue the bastard."

Bad Faith

[Scene: Logan and Cragen are discussing the suicide of Det. Marino, and the fact that Marino tried to "recruit" Mike for a session with a pedophile priest when Mike was 12.]
Mike: "The other week when he called me, I had a feeling what is was about. I did the same thing I've been doing for 25 years, I avoided the subject. I couldn't handle it."
Cragen: "My take, neither could he. Seeing Krolinsky brought it all back. Imagine the guilt about all the kids he fed that pervert."
Mike: "The only problem is he shot the wrong guy."

Defense attorney: "Did he make a proposition to you involving Mr. Krolinsky?"
Mike: I don't understand the question."
Defense attorney (with nasty sarcasm): "Do you want me to speak more slowly, Detective?" Mike (just as nastily): "Do you want me to answer that?"

Switch

Logan: "I'd like to know which personality's into this."
Building super: "That would be Nancy. She's a personal favorite of mine."
Logan: "I'll bet."

Waitress: "Can I help you?"
Logan (as they move to arrest Megan): "We're getting something to go."

Pride

[Scene: Briscoe has just arranged for a "date" with a young male prostitute, in order to get information from him about the case.]
Briscoe: "Whaddya think, should I stick with this tie?"
Logan: "Well, that's my personal favorite."

Lennie: "My respect for Durban is growing by the hour."
Mikey: "Yeah, he's so smart, he's dead."


Photos from Universal Pictures.