Det. Lennie Briscoe

Jerry Orbach

The Quotable Lennie Briscoe

Discord

C-Square: "I'll have my lawyers all over you."
Briscoe: "Oh, no--not the lawyers."

Profile

(after being told a killing was the work of the devil): "No, this was done by someone who knows the neighborhood. Satan's not a local."

Born Bad

[Scene: Briscoe and Logan enter seedy male strip joint]
Logan (looking at young man stripping): "Kid's not old enough to be in here."
Briscoe: "*I'm* not old enough to be in here."

The Pursuit of Happiness

Russian bride broker: "You guys single?"
Briscoe: "Yeah, three times."

Big Bang

Forensic scientist: "You got a suspect with a nuclear reactor in his basement?"
Briscoe: "Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do!"

(leaving the room after interrogating a suspect): "I'll pass your sentiments on up the food chain."

(in response to finding out about the Nobel Prize winner's snootiness): "So he never stopped in to borrow a cup of protons?"

Mayhem

Briscoe [to homeless man]: "You hear anything?"
Man: "Yeah. St. Francis of Assisi told me to keep up the good work."
Briscoe pats the man on the shoulder: "Been there, pal."

Logan: "One of these days I'm going to pack up a Winnebago."
Briscoe: "And go where?"
Logan: "Upstate,...New Hampshire."
Briscoe: "Right--I spent a year there one weekend."

Blue Bamboo

Talent agent: "The man has--had--a lot of energy. I, on the other hand, have a wife."
Briscoe: "My condolences."

Performance

"Great. if we knew who it was, we'd know who it was."

[Scene: Lennie is practicing his speech to the dead girl's mother.]
"Oh hello Mrs. Russell. We just saw a video of your daughter getting raped and shot in the head."

Seed

(to Logan): "Ya know, Mike, if I didn't already know you don't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids."

Wannabe

School secretary: "I'm sorry, I can't release the Harrigans' address. You'll have to see the headmaster."
Brisoce: "Miss, we're not asking for the questions to next week's algebra exam."
Secretary: "LCC protects the privacy of its students and their parents. It has done so for one hundred and thirty years. It's not up to me to change school policy."
Briscoe: "Well, our organization goes back even farther than that, and our policy includes such things as search warrants."

Act of God

(to McCoy): "In retrospect, Counselor, it seems that the prosecution of Mr. Chapel was a bit premature."

Logan: "Have you been studying explosives in your spare time?"
Briscoe: "I worked on a similar case about the time you were born; a guy tried to kill his wife and blew up his cat."

"Some alibi--'I'm an extortionist, not an arsonist.'"

"Hey, they pay me good money to look like an idiot."

Privileged

"Maybe some guy didn't wear his aluminum hat and some rays told him to knock on doors and kill people."

Logan: "Now I know why I stayed single."
Briscoe: "I thought it was the quality time you spent with yourself."

Cruel and Unusual

Profaci: "You goin' to Hanrighty's later?"
Lennie: "Gotta date."
Profaci: "At midnight? You call that a date, Lennie?"
Lennie: "The later it gets, the better they look."

Bad Faith

"Get a team to canvas the buildings across the street. Maybe someone else was taking his dog out for a squirt."

(looking into dead cop's wallet): "Eleven bucks? That's about right for a cop."

(to Logan): "You want to get even with Krolinsky? Put him in the shower at Ossining for 5 minutes."

"[The Catholic Church as an] unindited co-conspirator? My aunt who says the rosary every morning is gonna have a conniption."

Purple Heart

[Scene: Mike and Lennie check the ID of a cabbie found shot dead in his cab.]
Mike: "Daniel Johnson, Corporal, awarded the Purple Heart in Desert Storm." Lennie: "Compared to this, driving across the sand in Kuwait must have been a piece of cake."

"Johnson's the 43rd cabbie killed in the last 12 months. These guys have shorter life spans than fruit flies."

Forensics guy: "Their car wash policy must be once every leap year. There's a million overlapping prints on that cab."
Briscoe: "What about the ones on top?"

Crime scene technician: "Last time we sifted a dumpster, the Investigating Officer got in here himself."
Briscoe: "That's facinating. I think you missed a spot over there."

Switch

Van Buren: "What about Dr. Hampton? Any man in her life?"
Briscoe: "Yes, but his name is Fluffy and he's been neutered. Other than that, her social calendar is pretty light."

Pride

Mrs. Durban: "Richard was 47. His wild oats were sown long ago."
Briscoe: "With all due respect, Mrs. Durban, some of us old guys still have some life left in us."

Van Buren: "What have you got?"
Briscoe: "New evidence that May-December romances don't work."