Dear Marc,
I feel very strange writing to you, but I would like to share my story. I live [on the East Coast]. Although both my husband and I are Jewish, we are not religious, and not an integral part of our local Jewish community. Be that as it may, I am an abused Jewish wife. My husband does not deny his religion, but he (being mentally and emotionally unstable) usually finds a reason to detach himself from any organization, including religious ones. For example, when we had a disagreement with our synagogue regarding a child's athletic schedule, his reaction was to ridicule the entire Jewish community. My reaction was to teach my son Hebrew myself, and then find a synagogue to accommodate his schedule. I was able to do this. I planned a private bar-mitzvah, but after serving him with divorce papers, he begged me to reconsider and as part of his "take me back" scheme, he offered me the bar-mitzvah I wanted. (big bash and all, planned and executed in four months!)
Now, two years later, there is no reconsidering to be done. The man has been verbally abusive, (and I mean five continual minutes of screaming obscenities at me and/or the children ) for years with these episodes occurring as often as three or four times a week, triggered by such things as children bickering. He has my children and I in fear of his tirades.
The verbal abuse escalated into physical abuse. My son has been bruised on his neck, shoulders, arms, and cheek. His shirt has been torn from his body numerous times. My husband's excuse: "I didn't hit him, I just grabbed him."
I have been kicked so that I was black and blue from my under my breast to my hip. The reason? My new puppy peed on the floor by my husband. He kicked the puppy, I went to protect it. His excuse? "I didn't hurt you, I was just trying to get you out of the way."
Less than a month ago, I was hit in the mouth during an argument. When blood started pouring out, he stopped. His excuse? "I didn't hit you, you bit your lip." The doctor assured me that there is no way, I could have gotten that kind of injury biting myself. My jaw was bruised as well.
But more than the physical abuse is the emotional abuse. Always the threats, threats of financial ruin, threats of taking the children from me, promises that I would suffer because as a lawyer, he knew the system. An example of emotional abuse: He needs to i.e. refinance a loan. Asks me to find a finance company and make appointment. If I say no, it is a week of verbal abuse of how worthless I am. If I do as he asks, there is a better than 50% chance he won't be ready with the information necessary by the time of the appointment. Then, on that day, I will be harassed and blamed for his failures. It's called a double bind. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. This behavior is constant. Regarding every aspect of our lives, including such things as tax returns. I would file separately, but as a limited partner with him in real estate, he won't give me the information I need as to my partnership earnings.
I could go on with thousands of stories. Indeed, I kept a diary over the last five years and when I read the incident, I get sick to my stomach. I'm very angry at myself for not having the strength to leave sooner, but I know I'm a victim of battered women's syndrome. Just plain scared. The first time I filed for divorce, I did it in secret and had the local police give him the papers. (I have never reported the physical abuse because of my fear). This time I was honest about it, and he is taking it in stride because he believes I want out bad enough that I will leave with basically nothing. That is not true, and I have instructed my lawyer that he must not make any monetary demands until I am out of the house. By the way, he is going to live in our million dollar 8000 square foot home, while I am looking for an apartment for myself and two kids. Originally he agreed to pay me fair market value for my share of the house. Now he says he's not sure, he may want to sell it, which means, in essence, he lives here, I live in the apartment, and he doesn't have to pay me anything. (a subject I will discuss with my lawyer tomorrow). This man is an abuser, he is mentally ill, but like the character in SPEED, he is absolutely "crazy, but not stupid"
For myself, I am a wreck. I haven't worked much in the past 15 years, because he discouraged it. (When I had a part-time job, he would demean it, i.e. I taught at a junior college and he would publicly say oftentimes, "she's so stupid and inept, she can't even get a job at a real college. When that didn't stop me, he would carry on every time I left for work. Finally he just offered me twice as much money as I was making to quit. It wasn't worth it. I allowed myself to be "bought." Another tactic to make me feel uselss). I am scared of my ability to support myself and children, and I know he will somehow (he is a brilliant attorney when he wants to be) maneuver the system so I can't get what I'm entitled to.
I am seeing a therapist and going to join a support group. An online group would also be helpful.
What caught my eye about your article, (it was NOT the agunah, for sure as I can't imagine ever wanting to remarry) was its emphasis on denial in the Jewish Community. Its not just the community, its the individual as well. To this day, my husband denies he ever abused me. We "argued" a little. I fell, or I bit my lip. As for the tirades, "they're just words, no big deal."
Anyway, guess I needed to blow off steam. Hope to hear from you.
(By an Anonymous Visitor to the Jewish Domestic Abuse and Agunah Problem Web Page)
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