definition of forgive / definition of forgiveness

an original definition by J. E. Brown

forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the benefits of apologizing.
Forgiveness cannot be understood unless you know precisely what an apology is.

Some people want to be forgiven but refuse to apologize for what they've done. If you feel you may be dealing with such a person, see Definition of Apology for a list of warning signs.

False Forgiveness

Some people are under the impression that forgiveness is mandatory. Such people will claim they've forgiven you when they haven't. To identify such people, look for illogical statements like: {Read this comp1ete article at http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Definitions/forgiveness.html .}

• “I accept his apology, but I don’t forgive him.”
• “I have forgiven you. I just don’t think we should hang out together anymore.”
• “I do forgive you. All I’m saying is I think we should see other people.”
• “I don’t believe in holding a grudge, so, I forgive everybody.” (That sounds like a naive statement of policy, not a statement of reflection or self-knowledge or self-observation.)
• When I was very young, my little playmates used to tell each other, “I hate you! ... But of course I love you In God’s Way.” As if that would satisfy either God or the hated person.

Excerpts from my book (in progress)

The main use of “forgiveness” language is to manipulate others into forgiving.

Abuse thrives on forgiveness.

Much of what people call forgiveness is actually settling.

Forgiving people who are not sorry is a sign of desperation.

Forgiveness is what happens when the hurt feelings subside and are not continually renewed by reoffense. Forgiveness is not a choice, but a natural process of mellowing. ... Announcing with your words (or with your attitude) that “I’ve decided that what I did wasn't so bad, and so I’ve decided it’s time for you to forgive me now” is one such reoffense.

— J. E. Brown

4th edition. 16 Sep 2007

Further Reading at Other Sites

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Concepts:

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More at This Site

• Is there a booklet of manners in your house?
  We offer this one:
  How Rude! -- a booklet about rude and abusive people, and how to recognize them

• Other Definitions (index)

• Home to Relationshop: educational materials for good relationships

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