This is derived from a satire originally published in the Joint Data Systems Support Center house organ, Bits and Bytes, 2:1 (Jan. 89) 10-12. Jim Pottmyer updated some of the questions that appear below to change outdated references (to seven-year-old hardware, organizations, buzzwords, &c.).

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©Copyright 1996 James J. Pottmyer

And Never The Trine Shall Meet

All U.S. computing is divided into three cultures. Much mischief and waste in government procurements happen because no one has written into the FAR [Federal Acquisition Regulations] or DAR [Defense Acquisition Regulations] any regulations prohibiting cross-cultural acquisitions.

The three cultures can be briefly named:

The borders between these cultures should not be confused with geographic borders. For example, Denver cannot figure out whether it's culture is West Coast or East Coast; but it definitely isn't Heartland. Phoenix, however, borders between West Coast and Heartland, knowing only that it is not East Coast; and Salt Lake City wavers between East Coast and Heartland, never approaching the West Coast.

South -- so distinct politically, culturally, and linguistically by other measures -- has no obvious computing culture of its own. Various parts of the South align either with the East Coast or the Heartland.

In order to have an objective measure of the culture to which a person belongs, here is a questionnaire that discriminates among the three cultures.

Check the answer or statement with which you most agree

1. The best programming language among the following is

a. Ada b. COBOL c. C/C++

2. Regarding program conversion:
a. God only knows what will happen if I can't convert all of my spaghetti code as soon as possible. b. God only knows what will happen if you make me touch even one line of code in any 20-year-old program that works.
c. God knows but doesn't care about program conversions.

3. The ideal cost for software is:
a. Determined by a multiple regression model based on at least 30 medium to large scale projects for which audited cost data is available.
b. Fixed by supply and demand in a free market.
c. Free.

4. The requester publication (freebie) that I actually read is:
a. Government Computer News.
b. Information Week.
c. Computer Design.

5. The most promising near-term use of a neural network is:
a. Diagnosing lower back pain.
b. Simulating a bridge truss structure.
c. Handwriting recognition.

6. The most promising end-user computer is:
a. Sun or SGI. b. IBM, HP, or DEC. c. $500 skinny client.

7. Problems in organizing a data warehouse can largely be solved with:
a. Relational data bases, entity-relationship models, and similar techniques.
b. Data dictionaries.
c. AI-generated hypertext.

8. Object-oriented design (OOD) is:
a. Another reason to program in Ada.
b. Odd, but can probably be done in C++.
c. A radical new paradigm, for which you must learn SmallTalk.

9. Specifications and standards are best set by:
a. Committees or consortia.
b. Adopting common elements in prevailing commercial practice.
c. Adopting the best individusal effort (contracting out the writing if no individual volunteer).

Sorry, I haven't figured out how to put a CGI script on America OnLine's server. Please tote up manually the number of a's, b's, and c's. To find the culture to which you belong, consult the phase diagram below.

Phase Diagram (8K download)

If you have a West Coast mind set (near the top of the graph), why are you reading this?

If you are of an East Coast bent (near the left), beware of doing business with people who order either white wine spritzers or beer on their expense accounts while trying to do business with you. Only over a 3-martini lunch can anyone properly understand the Byzantine complexities of your problem and the need for a righteous approach to computing.

If you are disposed to the Heartland (near the right vertex), beware of true believers from either coast who do not appreciate your practicality. Stick with your own kind.

If you are in an unshaded part of the graph (3-3-3, 4-4-1, 4-3-2, 5-4-0), do not suppose that your confused identity makes you qualified to bridge the cultures. Instead, you are without allies and will be attacked from all sides. You may wish to consider changing professions.

By James Pottmyer

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