by Pseudolos
(from the July 1995 issue of Rainbow Wind Magazine)
Every get annoyed at the inroads fundies want to make in your personal life? Here are some ways to blow off steam!
Presenting: Pseudolos' Top Ten Ways to Annoy Fundies:
1) (If silent prayer is mandated in the public schools) Pagan kids: insist that you have to pray outside. If they won't go for that, pray skyclad. If they stop you, scream that your rights are being violated.
2) Pagan teenagers in the same situation: Two words: Tantric Magic. `Nuff said.
3) Pagan college students: Form a Pagan group on your campus. Then, demand funding comparable to the university's Christian groups. If you're turned down, remember that the Supreme Court is on your side!
4) The Supreme Court just ruled that religious displays could be put up on public property. Next May Eve, show up with the pole. Remember to file for a permit first.
5) When fundies push your school board to have creationism taught in the schools, make your own push. Insist that your own tradition's creation myth be taught, and that the Biblical version should be ignored, because it wasn't mentioned in Hesiod/the Eddas/whatever.
6) Ask Biblical inerrantists (now, there's an oxymoron!) if they believe that hares chew their cud, as said by God in Leviticus 11:6 and Deuteronomy 14:7. If they say yes, reply that you now believe they were right when they said their god was separate from nature (many thanks go out to Skipp Porteous of IFAS for this one!)..
7) Write a letter to your local paper, stating that if God loves everyone, then everyone is saved and the Cross has no meaning. Trust me: this one will make them scream! Either they'll have to admit that their God isn't one of love, or they'll have to open their minds.
8) (If `student-initiated' prayer is allowed into the schools) Wangle your way into a speech at your graduation event. When your turn comes, pray to one of your own gods (Eris comes to mind here). See how the Christians feel about being forced to listen in silence for a change! Animal sacrifice, however, is considered to be in poor taste and will stain your gown.
9) When inerrantists insist that the Bible is the literal world of God, say that it's nice that they have a God that bows to the vote of a committee (the Council of Nicaea).
10)Accuse inerrantists of idolatry, worshiping a book rather than the Presence which inspired it. When they disagree, ask why else they would ignore the evidence God has left of the Bible's inaccuracy (fossils, etc.). If they claim Satan planted it, or produce pseudoscientific `evidence' of Biblical creation, give the appropriate response: "Bwahahahahahah!!!"
One tip, however, when implementing the above: be ready to run for it. Jesus gives everyone a free choice to follow Him, which is why Christians decided to help Him out by enforcing His wishes with the sword.
Last modified: 11-18-95.